stuff!

ok so days go by and by building relationships with some of the coworkers here. was able to build up conversation and jokes with them unlike before. so everyday i got excited to go to work for some bonding to build up. thinking as if that will make it more good and or whatsoever. i know it's very shameful to borrow things from anybody especially from your coworker. ok i'm not really rich or something just to purchase one. but i hope that they would even understand it. i know they also keep on borrowing stuff from others and from me and i don't mind at all like i won't give a word then i'm not doing the word given to them. sometimes i thonk that people are talking about me everytime i did something that i know is very embarrassing. eventhough they don't even know what happened or they're not present in that situation that i got embarrassed. to cut it short i'm paranoid. especially whenever i'm trying to borrow stuff from them, it's like in the back of my mind, i think they are talking shit about me. like for example i borrowed someting from them they would even think that i can't buy that and they are saying to others that we're both workin' and why don't i buy one instead of borrowing it. but when it comes to them it's like it's ok and like nothing happeneds and stuff. o well we all are different and it'll be too unfair. what else can i do about it.
well i kept praying at night. talking to god about what a bad boy i've been for my whole life. kept reflecting on things that i did. not being pathetic but just being truthful and logical, i guess. kept thinking about what have i done in my life and am i to blame. i wish i could get that stuff. stuff which i can't explain, define, and even know exactly i should be wiht. well who cares? no one would be there just to give it to me or anyone that could define it to me. o well, i don't expect. the only thing that i know is that the stuff is there. it exists. it's waiting for me to find out, but it's me that is not looking and not finding out where the hell stuff is.
i really don't understand these people. i know to myself that i've been a bit good for them. i always do what hteir favors are. i don't leave them behind. i always make sure that they're having good times and stuff. but in return....nothing! nothing so good, nothing so great, nothing so important, nothing so convincing for me to be much alive. i don't know. one thing i know is that they hate me. i guess? sappy pathetic little me. i hate to say so much more about my feelings but i can't just hide it. i need to let it out and any ways just to let it out of my system. because in that way or in this way it releases some of my burdens and start all over again, just like reformatting a hard drive. and by time it would come back in the same way it was.
we don't have work tom for it's an ocassion, thanksgiving. i'm not living in the states but for my job it's holiday. so i'm still wondering what could go wrong again......