PARANOIA galore

what a day! well last night i went to a friend because it was her birthday last friday. which i did not come becasue of an unreasonable cause . well i'm old enough, adult already to do what i know i want. just kept wondering why my mom still the one who decides whether i should leave or not. can't take this anymore. well my mom told me yesterday morning that i could go there once she got home from the mall. so i was very happy that finally she permitted me to go, but before that she's giving me an option. either i go to a friend's house or attend an office outing.

so finally she went home late and when she got home it's like she doesn't want me to go there anymore. but i insist and finally i got out of the house. told her that i'll be home around 8 pm. actually what i was thinking last night was that she only permitted me because she asked me to buy something. but i was so unsuccessful because i came home late. of course you wouldn't spend an hour to your friends house, duh! i should've not gone there if it'll just be an hour to spend time. i was very pissed off that day. then when i finally got home my mom was scolding at me, yadiyadiyada.... i almost utter that i'm old enough? i just can't stand it anymore.

so just slept immediately for this day got to go to work. i thought the ambiance here was ok, fun, exciting and everything nice. well guess what? it's not! my seatmate doesn't talk to me. did not even heard anything from him. felt like he hated me ultimately. ok so here i am, speechless, kept listening to my mp3 collections. kept sentimenting about different stuff. and finally i felt like i'm fed up! that's the scariest thing that i don't wanna feel. well why? because i think that i'm in a job that makes me happy and an easy work load. am i right? well that's for me to find out. ok then while the time passes by. my two buddies arrived. ok chit chat using an instant messenger and stuff. then invited me to grab a smoke. did not notice that our leader's gonna come and join. ok so we're four in total. take note FOUR! ok we went down for a smoke. i was speechless. did not even have the chance to join their conversation. well why? of course the leader grabbed their attention about the firm they're going to transfer. yadiyadiyada...blah blah, blah.... ok so while we're smoking, three, THREE of them are talking with my position at the back of them. first we we're a bit close at each other. then time by time they're beginning to seperate from me. well i said to myself, wow that's the niciest thing i ever experience, again! ok i started to think again that it's another sign! another freaking nerve breaking, death defying, head spining sign. i said again to myself, who cares, nobody cares, even the care bears don't care. blah blah blah blah. kept swaying away from those paranoias again. so during that smoking session for about i guess 9 minutes or more, i did not speak. did not even moved my mouth. then our leader asked me why i don't i apply in the same firm as where both of my buddies are now. well one of my buddy said that my travel is so far from home to that firm. so he begin to ask me where i live. ok yadiyadiyada. and he begin to discourage me about staying here in this firm. well mind your own freaking, damn business. which i understand why he told me that. well it's really true that the pay here is not enough compared to other new companies. who cares. i don't care.

what a pathetic, paranoid, insane, shit am i. shame on me. i just really wanted to be happy is that too much? well earlier i started to think that both of my buddies does not feel like hangin out with me. ok fine, here we go again, paranoid. i just don't wanna think about this silly thoughts. it makes me sick. why don't i just drop dead. well hoping it's not the same old thing in a brand new day!