The days of wondering & wandering

I don't know what the fuck is going on lately. I felt even much closer to NB. She just keeps asking for me and keeps talking to me but I really don't want to assume things. May be it's because I am the only one that is within reach.

I am hoping that somehow it's not the way things gonna be when people are back from slumber. But I know myself... I will investigate further to have a final and concrete answers to these questions and dramas shoved in my face. 

O well, so much to say, so much to analyze, so much dramas it's just making things worse and annoying. 

I'll know soon that few things will change kindly.

Jaded

I wanted to let go and free myself from this intimidation and unkind thoughts and points of view. It's not really making me feel good as I've realized. I am trying to find distractions and diversions to totally eradicate myself from disappointments and sadness. No matter what I do, I believe I am used to with it and it keeps haunting me. I never wished to end up like this. Sometimes I just don't know who to blame why I have become what I have become. Then it all ends up that it's me to blame.

I could not even learn how to become someone who basically like what they are. I keep pn asking myself, why can't I be somebody else. Why can't I be satisfied with what I currently have? Why am I so pathetic which annoys myself much?

I have been trying to watch tons of movies, TV series and imagining kind things but it boils down to being so alone and confused. I don't know how I can move myself from all these pain. I wanted to be happy and feel good but no matter what I do, the pain and sorrow keeps knocking on my door like a crafty thief that deceives and leaves casualty.

I hope I could do something to hold on to patience running thin even more tightly. I hope someone would show up and give me the love and affection that I have been looking for. In this case I would even explore and at least be content and happy.

Changing the mind and heart has been projected. Trying to leave the grudge, hate and wrath all behind. No matter where I go it's all coming to me. It never did leave me alone and it even give me so much pain and sorrow.

A lot of things have been tried and showed towards others to build good relationship, but I guess it was not enough. Still needs to prove enough projection to show and make everyone convinced with the thy actions.

No matter what, I guess all I can do is wait and keep trying and be more authentic. Authentic in a sense others will be more convinced.

Unkind emotions

The excitements and joy felt when knowing that someone will be taking over just deteriorated. At first glance, disappointments and discouragement just said hello. Things were not as what's expected. It even made the mind worked hard to plan ahead and made it restless.

The question is, what basically went wrong? why was the grass not green? Anyway, it has just been a day or two dealing with intimidation and so getting to know more is actually something we should consider. It is in the anticipation that all these thoughts and first impressions are wrong.

Let the light shine down and show the clear and transparent picture of it all. Hopefully, intimidation would find it's way out and envy would die six feet underground.

New day, new setup, new annoyance and hello sweet distraction.

Stalling

I am not so fucking sure why these people are getting into my nerves. Since the day they were known and acquainted, they were able to show gestures that are so vague which is mind boggling and disturbing...

IT even made me explore deeper into the situation since advises and inspirational words are being shoved to my face, I try to face it and do something that would somehow provide answers to the questions left unanswered. Basically, to have the final closure of it all.

One down and one to go. I have to basically let go of the other one as this link has shown and expressed subtly what the link is trying to relay. That link's gesture is enough for me to realize that what the link did was just a trial on how I would approach the situation and the link does not intend anything more about it.

The 2nd link, a little weird, strange, vague, vulnerable I guess, but is trying to do things that the other link did. There's a lot of gestures shown which gives somehow a clue about the intention but it also is compensated with gestures which are purely vague that makes everything in general, blurry.

I have made plans for the 2nd link but are just waiting for the right time and situation to implement or make it into action. There are some things that we still need to analyze before making it happen to not waste time, effort and most especially not to be humiliated towards others.

Planning for the attack but scared to death. Learning how to overcome these fears and weariness. How I wish I could learn how to deal with them so everything is okay.

I will give some time. After the 30th, let's see what they will be up to....