Jaded

I wanted to let go and free myself from this intimidation and unkind thoughts and points of view. It's not really making me feel good as I've realized. I am trying to find distractions and diversions to totally eradicate myself from disappointments and sadness. No matter what I do, I believe I am used to with it and it keeps haunting me. I never wished to end up like this. Sometimes I just don't know who to blame why I have become what I have become. Then it all ends up that it's me to blame.

I could not even learn how to become someone who basically like what they are. I keep pn asking myself, why can't I be somebody else. Why can't I be satisfied with what I currently have? Why am I so pathetic which annoys myself much?

I have been trying to watch tons of movies, TV series and imagining kind things but it boils down to being so alone and confused. I don't know how I can move myself from all these pain. I wanted to be happy and feel good but no matter what I do, the pain and sorrow keeps knocking on my door like a crafty thief that deceives and leaves casualty.

I hope I could do something to hold on to patience running thin even more tightly. I hope someone would show up and give me the love and affection that I have been looking for. In this case I would even explore and at least be content and happy.

Changing the mind and heart has been projected. Trying to leave the grudge, hate and wrath all behind. No matter where I go it's all coming to me. It never did leave me alone and it even give me so much pain and sorrow.

A lot of things have been tried and showed towards others to build good relationship, but I guess it was not enough. Still needs to prove enough projection to show and make everyone convinced with the thy actions.

No matter what, I guess all I can do is wait and keep trying and be more authentic. Authentic in a sense others will be more convinced.