The days of wondering & wandering

I don't know what the fuck is going on lately. I felt even much closer to NB. She just keeps asking for me and keeps talking to me but I really don't want to assume things. May be it's because I am the only one that is within reach.

I am hoping that somehow it's not the way things gonna be when people are back from slumber. But I know myself... I will investigate further to have a final and concrete answers to these questions and dramas shoved in my face. 

O well, so much to say, so much to analyze, so much dramas it's just making things worse and annoying. 

I'll know soon that few things will change kindly.

Jaded

I wanted to let go and free myself from this intimidation and unkind thoughts and points of view. It's not really making me feel good as I've realized. I am trying to find distractions and diversions to totally eradicate myself from disappointments and sadness. No matter what I do, I believe I am used to with it and it keeps haunting me. I never wished to end up like this. Sometimes I just don't know who to blame why I have become what I have become. Then it all ends up that it's me to blame.

I could not even learn how to become someone who basically like what they are. I keep pn asking myself, why can't I be somebody else. Why can't I be satisfied with what I currently have? Why am I so pathetic which annoys myself much?

I have been trying to watch tons of movies, TV series and imagining kind things but it boils down to being so alone and confused. I don't know how I can move myself from all these pain. I wanted to be happy and feel good but no matter what I do, the pain and sorrow keeps knocking on my door like a crafty thief that deceives and leaves casualty.

I hope I could do something to hold on to patience running thin even more tightly. I hope someone would show up and give me the love and affection that I have been looking for. In this case I would even explore and at least be content and happy.

Changing the mind and heart has been projected. Trying to leave the grudge, hate and wrath all behind. No matter where I go it's all coming to me. It never did leave me alone and it even give me so much pain and sorrow.

A lot of things have been tried and showed towards others to build good relationship, but I guess it was not enough. Still needs to prove enough projection to show and make everyone convinced with the thy actions.

No matter what, I guess all I can do is wait and keep trying and be more authentic. Authentic in a sense others will be more convinced.

Unkind emotions

The excitements and joy felt when knowing that someone will be taking over just deteriorated. At first glance, disappointments and discouragement just said hello. Things were not as what's expected. It even made the mind worked hard to plan ahead and made it restless.

The question is, what basically went wrong? why was the grass not green? Anyway, it has just been a day or two dealing with intimidation and so getting to know more is actually something we should consider. It is in the anticipation that all these thoughts and first impressions are wrong.

Let the light shine down and show the clear and transparent picture of it all. Hopefully, intimidation would find it's way out and envy would die six feet underground.

New day, new setup, new annoyance and hello sweet distraction.

Stalling

I am not so fucking sure why these people are getting into my nerves. Since the day they were known and acquainted, they were able to show gestures that are so vague which is mind boggling and disturbing...

IT even made me explore deeper into the situation since advises and inspirational words are being shoved to my face, I try to face it and do something that would somehow provide answers to the questions left unanswered. Basically, to have the final closure of it all.

One down and one to go. I have to basically let go of the other one as this link has shown and expressed subtly what the link is trying to relay. That link's gesture is enough for me to realize that what the link did was just a trial on how I would approach the situation and the link does not intend anything more about it.

The 2nd link, a little weird, strange, vague, vulnerable I guess, but is trying to do things that the other link did. There's a lot of gestures shown which gives somehow a clue about the intention but it also is compensated with gestures which are purely vague that makes everything in general, blurry.

I have made plans for the 2nd link but are just waiting for the right time and situation to implement or make it into action. There are some things that we still need to analyze before making it happen to not waste time, effort and most especially not to be humiliated towards others.

Planning for the attack but scared to death. Learning how to overcome these fears and weariness. How I wish I could learn how to deal with them so everything is okay.

I will give some time. After the 30th, let's see what they will be up to....

Ocean's Thirteen, Disturbia, The Contract

November 10, 2007
21:30MNL
Good day, the main people of the house are out, attended a very special day for couples (marriage) of our neighbor in Villa Escudero, a 2-hour drive from our place. Thankfully, no one here to bother me with my privacy, somehow…. I have my younger sister and a helper with me, though. Well, my sister was suppose to be with my family, there having some freaking fun, though I am having fun too, here in the house. But of course, they gave me some chores… like, watching over my sister, who’s not feeling well, taking care of what we're going to have on dinner and lunch. My elder sister used to call the house from time to time (pregnant), to check on our younger sister and gives advises on what I should be doing….Checking on my younger sister. Well, I have asked our helper to take care of her, coz I want to be free…if you know what I mean.
While waiting for the day, I have watched 3 movies. Ocean’s Thirteen, The Contract and Disturbia, respectively. I decided to watch these movies because I know I won’t be able to watch them once the main people of the house are here. I took the time to kill it by watching the said movies. What I can say about the movies? Well they’re all great and interesting to watch. At first, I thought that the movie, the Contract was not too interesting, but I was wrong. I liked it and in addition, I appreciated how the writers twisted the movie. At first I thought it was predictable, but I have noticed how movies nowadays are twisted, creatively.
Let’s start with Ocean’s Thirteen. I thought it was a sequel of the movie Ocean’s twelve, but technically, it is, but when you watch the movie, it is a different story. Just like in some TV series…New season, different story. Moving forward, it’s about revenge for an old friend who was a victim of a conspiracy between business partners regarding their planned casino/hotel business. It’s worth it coz as I have mentioned earlier, I used to think that I know what will happen next, but they really have created it creatively twisting. You would think that they failed but its part of their plan to strike revenge. Of course in the end they were victorious. There’s also this part, where they planned to have an unknown person experience the worst stay in the hotel ever, by giving him an untidy, smelly and bug-full room, but in the end they let him win with more than a million dollar money in a slot machine in the airport. That part is like a thank you in behalf of what they just did to him…lovely.
Secondly, The Contract movie. It’s a good enough and simple, but complicated movie. At first, I thought the main character of the movie was a villain and would be imprisoned or something, but in the end he is a very useful person to the government though he kills people and he protected the lives of innocent people who caught him and would surrender him to the authorities since a higher authority had a plan to kill the people who caught the killer. Anyway there’s this part where they met another couple in the woods who are also camping to help them. The guy (another couple) died because the gun was passed to him by the younger guy, pointing to the killer while they were waving at a helicopter who are with the killer. Then in the end the girl they met in the woods was now with them and thinking that they younger guy’s dad has feelings for her now….duh!.... it’s great but predictable.

Lastly, I have watched Disturbia. It was once told to me by my boss that she watched it and she was really disturbed. He also mentioned it to me that it is morbid and stuff. I also did not know that the main character is the character in Transformers. I find him a good, funny and wild(?) actor. But he’s in my ‘favorite actor” list now. He was once in a TV sitcom in Disney channel (I forgot the title). So I put the movie to the test to check if the movie is really too bloody, morbid and stuff… at the start of the movie, it was like a feel good movie, and 80% of the movie is about a teenager who lost his father due to a car accident and stuff, punching his teacher on the face and gave him a 3-month house arrest because of that. Then as the story goes it also shows how he met his girlfriend next door, and giving how he lived his life imprisoned in his house and built a sensor detector gadget on his feet so he could not get far away from the house by 3-meter radius from the modem like receiver or else they will be given a fine of I don’t know, it was not mentioned….. anyway, it was solved and it ended just the way I like it.
In short, I enjoyed my day today, because I was able to somehow clear my mind out of troubles and worries and work. At least I am relaxed and feeling free from these shits! I’m still looking forward to watch more movies that are available here. I’m still looking at some drawers here if I have missed something else for me to watch. I am planning to watch more movies by tomorrow, Sunday, to relax my freaking annoying brain and breathe. Until next time. I will post another blog here. I just noticed that I could do this more often since I have my internet connection online, unlimited, and it’s worth to abuse it though I have to consider the electric bill. Anyway I’ll see you again.

nostalgia gain!?!

I have these thoughts in my head. If it weren’t for this project I would not have met them. I would not have collaborated with them and get used to with their presence. I’m worried that once this project is over, I believe I will be nostalgic again. I really hate it. I hate that feeling. That’s why I’m scared of knowing or mingling with new people. Because once I enjoy it, I would really look for it and find a time to mingle with them, then once something went wrong, I will regret it. I would even feel the way I’m feeling at this moment. How I wish I did not meet them at all.

I just noticed that I keep on experiencing this freaking shit. They said that you don’t have to loose hope and all because there are a lot of people in this planet who I can deal with and don’t have to dive into it much for me not to feel this way. Actually, I’m not leading this way it’s destiny. It just happens all along. Well I guess this is my purpose. Try to help others and give support to them, and I don’t get any. I’m always the one who is hurt. Ok that’s given. But I just can’t take it. There’s something in me that tells me that I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to be treated like this. But what else can I do. I know I’m stupid and dull and I don’t really learn from things that are happening to me. I just keep on experiencing the same things.

I’m not really sure what will happen on Monday, july 16, 2007. I don’t know if they would even talk to me with what I have acted last Friday. Well I did that because I was ignored and stuff. O well I guess I just have to make a stand with what I did.

The next damn thing!!!!

Ok, it’s been a while since I write something about the things going on in my life. First of all I wanted to share to you that I got a lot of pimples on my freaking face. Well before I was so proud that my face was clear and stuff, but now, I even look like a monster. Reasons behind this are, I used to stay up late due to work. I got a lot of projects and needed to coordinate to several personalities here, that are not that serious like me. Well they are serious but not the type of seriousness that I possess. I know it is not right to expect someone or somebody to have traits like what I have. It would lead to frustrations and all. It’s just that it’s disappointing and breaks my freaking heart and mind that I could not accomplish something in a timely manner. Secondly, reasons behind the pimple stuff, personal problems. When I say personal, it’s domestic and family and personality and character problems. Well I usually realize the way I acted lately. I just don’t understand why I tend to act that way. Sometimes I feel like I just wanted to end this life so that the only problem that I would face is my destination after life.

Moving on, earlier I was freakingly excited to work with the PRS team because I will be discussing stuff for them to understand my thinking. Why did I say that? Well basically I’m no programmer. I don’t even have the way programmers think. I don’t understand the depth concept of things in programming. We are working on a database, one of my projects, I could not work it all alone because I don’t have the programming skills. For you to know, I am a computer science graduate, but I was not able to use that education after I graudated. I was too eager to work immediately in a call center due to personal reasons. Then after sometime I tried applying to work in a programming position but I only get a message, ”We’ll call you”. Ok so am I suppose to believe that. Basically, they wanted an experience programmer. So I lost my hope in applying to that position. I started to apply as an RTA in WF division. I do believe that I have the skills to analyze things and compute things. So I was absorbed and all, then promoted as a reports analyst. A lot of projects was thrown to me that involves programming. So I thought, am I being haunted? O well I just thought that this will be an experience for me. At least somehow I can apply for a programming position. But I doubt my skills with that because I am sure that I still can’t cope with programming and stuff.

Going back to that main topic, I was a bit pissed off earlier because they are ignoring me. I was discussing something and yet this person treats me like a stupid person. I even told them that I’m no programmer and I really don’t have any idea in programming because I haven’t have any experiences. Ok to tell you the whole story, earlier a friend asked me if he could join us. So with open arms, I agreed and felt happy about it. I thought he’ll be the only person to join us but he even invited another person I hated. So I did not mind, then I started to explain to my team mate about the table in our database but my friend is getting his attention that made me look stupid. Ok so I still did not mind. Then suddenly this team mate was called outside by an agent. Another distraction. I was totally pissed. So when he went out I also went out and made this facial expression that I was pissed then left the room and went ahead to the smoking room to assess and reflect on what I just did. I was able to calm myself and tried to forget about it. Then I went back to the room and found them doing something which I don’t know. Then I smiled and asked for his attention. What he did when I call his attention, he was focused more on what my friend is showing to him. He did acknowledge but did not pay attention. There’s a big difference. So I was very, ultimately, extremely pissed off. I went ahead and got out of the room subtly. I did not come back and just stayed in the Command Center room and just accessed my laptop remotely. I did not want to bring the laptop with me because it would show them that I am pissed. Question is, who wants to be ignored? I hate that feeling. I’ve been ignored since I was brought up in this world and accepted that fact. Then it would still happen to me? O well I was just thinking that I guess I am a walking non sense person. I am still trying my best to be better somehow but I guess it’s just not enough. I believe, that there’s really something wrong in me which I could not identify. In this way it really shows that I’m so stupid. I am trying to understand people but it’s just that they don’t want to understand me. Well I guess I am born to be like this whatever I try to do, it turns out that my destination will be the same.

Well moving on, my friend asked me if I’m ok and if there’s something wrong and all. So I told him that there’s none and in fact I’m good. I just thought of an alibi that I just need to talk to the people in the command center. But actually I’m really pissed off with what just happened. He even told me that I was snooty or suplado when they went to the smoking room and they caught me there. I did not talk to them or acknowledged their presence because I am pissed off. He was able to ask me those questions when I decided to go back to the room to get my mug. So I immediately went back to the CC room coz I’m really pissed off. After a while I decided to buy food and ate my lunch upstairs, then I saw him with my peripheral vision with his things on him. But I did not looked at him because I did not want to talk to him. So I was happy that I could get back to work. I went to the room and was speechless. I was not talking to my team mate and just did what ever I have to do. He asked me some things about the database. I told him to wait. Then he waited for 5 minutes and went outside because I did not prioritize his question/request. So I wrote my answer on the paper then put it on his desk. I know that was rude, but I wanted to let them know my importance in the team. I am doing the reports so I know the detailed information of the reports that I do.

He was actually late earlier without informing me. So I told him that he will report to me. He needs to inform me if he will be late or something. The things that I hate on him is he keeps on going out of the room because his team mates are asking him stuff which is no longer his task for the moment because his reporting to me. I just don’t get it why he’s such a sassafrass, meaning an a-hole. Basically his older than me and yet his work ethics are poor.

My action plan will be the following: on Monday, July 16, 2007 I will enforce him to do his task and provide me the things that he had accomplished to update the timeline. I will also inform him about the house rules. I hope I could implement this on Monday.

O well, this is actually not the whole story, but definitely I’ll prepare myself on what will happen to me once I meet my friend on Monday. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, HELP ME!!!!!

office space

March 16, 2007 at 19:00 MNL and still in the office due to late RTA again. As usual and will always be late. O well it’s been a while since I decided to write something about life. Well, just to mention about work. I got my increase. I don’t know if I should say that I am promoted as a reports analyst. I already conduct training for new hired RTAs, like KIRK and JOSEPH. Both guys are nice and ok to be with. They’re funny and they make sense when they say something. In short, smart. They seem to manage to make sense and to know a lot of things. That is why at this moment they shimmer. Earlier, i felt like I’m a loser (which I have been a loser), I told myself that before I was someone who is being appreciated and adored and always been cared about. Now, I guess I have ended my worth. I guess I just have to leave that behind me. I guess I just have to appreciate them and not me being appreciated anymore.

The reason for me to saying this is because earlier I felt pathetic. I also realized that I am an egocentric person thinking that everyone would always think that I’m important or something. Well I know this sounds really pathetic and embarrassing and whatever you may call it, but I am sensitive and nostalgic when it comes to these pathetic nesses. So annoying and yet so lovely when you see that other people are happy because of that person whom you have recommended is what your co employee likes and appreciates. Then I will be ignored. Mwahahahahahahahahaha! P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C….

Honestly I envy them with their smartness, their knowledge about certain stuff and topics that tend to interest other people. I envy them with that skill and knowledge and personality. How I wish I could be like that. A person who makes sense and someone who would really value and treasure you. O well I guess I’ll just end up a pathetic loser for the rest of my life.