FOREVER

ok another day another journal another happenings. finally the people who i've been waiting for arrived. actually they'll be transferring to another firm which made me sad and freakin' pissed. why? well because i finally found some people who i consider friend. actually this is the second time in the same team. then you're gonna know that they'll be leaving too. haaaaaaaay! what a darn life, i guess. ok let me count. how many days will i be seeing them. they'll be here until december 18. ok todays is november 27. let me count the days.....approximately 14 to 16 days to go until they are completely gone. what a shame this is. so pathetic and sad for me. i'd really wanted to have a long term buddy. i can't barely understand why would this happen to me. is it because i'm not lucky enough or having a friend did not ment for me? i feel so shity about my life. i'm having fun, found somebody that is fun to be with. yet they are taken away from me. if only a certain thing could happen to me like someone would appreciate me and that they would be after me because they really wanted me to be their friend. to cut it short they really, really, really like me? well when will it happen. when will i have somebody to be with forever. i mean FOREVER! so far i think i'm pretty lucky because at least i've found and met true friends in my life even in a short period of time. at least He shows that i'm still important and i'm not that unfortunate not to have friends.
well so far as what i can think of, come what may! go on with my life. it sounds like i've lost somebody in my life, but yeah it's true. i've lost a person that i could meet once in a life time. well i've asked god to bless them for whatever journey they may take. more success for them and more happiness and encouragement that they could have for their whole life. and i thank Him for everything.

stuff!

ok so days go by and by building relationships with some of the coworkers here. was able to build up conversation and jokes with them unlike before. so everyday i got excited to go to work for some bonding to build up. thinking as if that will make it more good and or whatsoever. i know it's very shameful to borrow things from anybody especially from your coworker. ok i'm not really rich or something just to purchase one. but i hope that they would even understand it. i know they also keep on borrowing stuff from others and from me and i don't mind at all like i won't give a word then i'm not doing the word given to them. sometimes i thonk that people are talking about me everytime i did something that i know is very embarrassing. eventhough they don't even know what happened or they're not present in that situation that i got embarrassed. to cut it short i'm paranoid. especially whenever i'm trying to borrow stuff from them, it's like in the back of my mind, i think they are talking shit about me. like for example i borrowed someting from them they would even think that i can't buy that and they are saying to others that we're both workin' and why don't i buy one instead of borrowing it. but when it comes to them it's like it's ok and like nothing happeneds and stuff. o well we all are different and it'll be too unfair. what else can i do about it.
well i kept praying at night. talking to god about what a bad boy i've been for my whole life. kept reflecting on things that i did. not being pathetic but just being truthful and logical, i guess. kept thinking about what have i done in my life and am i to blame. i wish i could get that stuff. stuff which i can't explain, define, and even know exactly i should be wiht. well who cares? no one would be there just to give it to me or anyone that could define it to me. o well, i don't expect. the only thing that i know is that the stuff is there. it exists. it's waiting for me to find out, but it's me that is not looking and not finding out where the hell stuff is.
i really don't understand these people. i know to myself that i've been a bit good for them. i always do what hteir favors are. i don't leave them behind. i always make sure that they're having good times and stuff. but in return....nothing! nothing so good, nothing so great, nothing so important, nothing so convincing for me to be much alive. i don't know. one thing i know is that they hate me. i guess? sappy pathetic little me. i hate to say so much more about my feelings but i can't just hide it. i need to let it out and any ways just to let it out of my system. because in that way or in this way it releases some of my burdens and start all over again, just like reformatting a hard drive. and by time it would come back in the same way it was.
we don't have work tom for it's an ocassion, thanksgiving. i'm not living in the states but for my job it's holiday. so i'm still wondering what could go wrong again......

team bonding

november 20, 2004

it was the day where all my team mates had decided that we all have our team bonding. it's just the day where all of us, not all of us but some of us went to a bar to drink, have some fun, talk about silly, funny things about certain situations that are really funny in all of us.

ok first before everything happened during that night, at work we all had our work done accordingly and talking to our team mates if they will attend the team building. so my first thought was i will not come. well i'm not feeling ok with some of them, because of the situation that i thought was good, or whatsoever.... so i've asked them in an indirect way if they will come. ok so they said yes and they will come and they will have some fun.... so me instead i told them that i don't know if i'm coming, let's just see. ok so three of my colleagues said that they will just follow on where will be the gatherings, because they have an appointment with the doctor and whatsoever.

our shift ends at 2 pm but the team leader told us that we'll have a meeting for an hour to hav an over tm. ok so we were still at work doing nothing for an hour, waiting for 3 pm just to start the gatherings. everything was ok till they said that our first stop was at the mall. ok so here's my two friends saying that they don't have money and i do to, i said to them. so we just forced our selves and we first went to an ATM to withdraw money, i really thank GOD that i managed to keep a gran, or else i'm plus-bankrupt person. so we had a chit chat and stuff.

first stop was in the mall. we went to eat there. i was forced to eat there although i'm not hungry. well how is it like i'm the only one that didn't order. of course humiliating and plus-pathetic. so i ordered something to eat joined them eating. forced my stomach to stuff the food that i'm eating.

i took a picture of the whole group and just noticed that one of our team mate was not captured. so a friend grab the camera and took another shot, but i just now i was not captured and also the others at my side. ok fine, whatever.

after we ate there we now went straight to a grill restaurant and had few drinks. i was damn pissed because they always give me a lot o f bottles. i really don't like the taste of beer much. so i ordered 2 coke in can and mixed it with my beer just to eliminate the taste. ok so people that surrounds me began to ask me what ma i doing?. i told them that i like mixing drinks and it's delicious. during that time that i mixed the coke and the beer, another team mate just arrived. and began to make stories about mixing drinks and stuff, and also i was able to manage to ask him about certain things that i know about something from him. the reasn is that i've noticed that he's talking at all and i don't want him to feel that it's worthless that he came, because he did not even enjoyed at all.

ok so i started to think of different things that i can ask him, and that is his stay in thailand. we had a long discussion regarding that. well another thing was a coworker was the one that makes the bonding more fun, he even managed to talk about a lot of funny things that all of us would barely laugh so hard that you would even cry for laughing. he was always there making fun of everything. i'd really enjoyed that day.

the next stop was in a billiard place. during that time some of mty co workers went home already, and some even tried to play billiards. so we started playing and stuff and we even took pictures of them.

i started to talk to this 2 co workers which i had already established closeness, or shall i say they're becoming my bestfriend. they were both nice just like the other coworker that i had, we were always together to go home and stuff, but when the closeness was established he already resigned. so this is the same thing that happened to the 2 other co workers that i had established closeness to each other, will resign. i event told them that everytime i had established closeness to people here, what'll i hear from them is that they'll resign. they had also said that to me, the same way they felt. i was really damn sad and lonely. i don't want to miss people really, especially if i found the true friend. actually i also found true friends here but they don't care about me. so not that true. but anyways these were the people that i had a very long conversation with. during our travel to the grill restaurant, playing billiards and after playing billiards. our last stop ever was in a cafè. we had a few cofee drinks there just to refresh ourselves from being drank.

that was the time that i've realized that one of my co-worker was very good with establishing the continuity of bonding with others. he manages to make it stronger till the last time of the day. i even told myself that he can be a team leader really, because he can manage the team more than someone can. so we our chit chat at each other and made the day history in our lives. the day that i felt complete and satisfied. i hope that those 2 co-workers that will resign will cancel their resignation, and they would still consider working here. also staying here as my good old friends.

i thank god that at least i had exprienced having a true friend that i haven't experienced before, although it's just a short amount of time being with them at the same time. i hope that there would be somebody like one of the two co-workers that i have, that would establish frinedship forever anywhere i go, he's also there....how envious i am seeing that.....

i really envy them both because they've managed having a good friendship, they both resigns just to be together, they will work in a same company, live together in the same house.... to cut it short, they've established good, strong, unbreakable, indisposable bonding, and that's what i've been craving for. if only i could find somebody who would be like that. who would accept me, understand me, and most importantly who like me as what i am. to have this bond.

well my only wish for them is to have a good life, success, good health, to make their bond more stronger.

They are blessed and will be. god speed for them both. well i'm gonna miss them ei! i'll see ya around the world.

trick or treat?

another day, finally last day of my work for the week. interesting that it's pay day, the most awaited day for working people, to hang out with friends, family, loved ones and whatsoever. well what i'm planning to do today? not sure, don't even have an idea about my plans. well yesterday told my mom that i';; treat her to watch movie and stuff. even told her that i'll bring her to a body massage place to relax herself. actually this is one of the things that she hadn't experienced yet. after all the days work or shall i say for all the services that she had been through for the family for about half the centennial year. i've been wondering what would be the outcome of this day a nd hopefully that this will be done as possible.

well, just received the message from my mom and she wanted me to call at home. ok so i thought it was something so very damn important. well, it was all about what i should do when i got home. she told me to go to a certain person in the market because she had ordered a meat there to sell. and told me to buy some vegetables for dinner. so i told her that my pay is not enough and so she said that it's ok. so first i thought how much money will be left . so i computerd. the money that will bre left is around a couple of bucks. so i'm thinking, how the hell am i going to treat her out this day or tomorrow? i'm so freakin' pissed. if it weren't for this stupid hr personnels then my salary will be reasonable. just can't accept this down management here in this company. the reason why a lot of employees are resigning and transferring to another company for higher pay and also for a fair promotion. in this company, CL, people who got promoted are just a bunch of stupid assholes. they were chosen because the sponies like them and because it's their friend. to cut it short they don't measure it on the ability and integrity of the applicant but because of personal likes and dislikes, shlal i say.

o well, they'll get their own karma. hoping that there's a chance that the company would change. what can i do but just work and work even if they're not paying us right. for sure there are some hocus pocus going on here. they'll get their own trash.