clueless!!!!

october 30, 2005 5 days until i start with my new job. well i went there for the first time last friday at libis. it's a very cool place. a lot of bars and malls to go to. well finally i have recovered from my pain and agony with the person that i really was yearning. i did not think about him much now. but yesterday i managed to burn him a cd. actually two cds. well as far as i know anyone that is special to me i give them something that i can afford so that somehow i could leave something for them to remember me. i'm not asking for something but i think i shall say it is my tradition. a while ago i was planning to meet him at robinson but when i called him on his cellphone, he said that he is in quiapo with his wife. so i thought well, it will be postponed. he said to me if i'm available next week. stupid me, i did not inform him that i will start on friday and i'm not sure if i will be available next week. so i was so sad and mad that i messaged him regarding that but he did not even replied. he did not even informed me that he has an appointment, so that i could plan my appointment. o well i just went to church and pray for everyone that i know and thank Him for giving me another chance. i also messaged one of my friends but she also had an appointment. ok so what i did i just went to church and went straight home. thinking about what i can do while i'm at home. i did a few chores and soem personal things and decided to write something about today. i can't really think about what i can do for now. i'm clueless on what i should do. i wanted to break free from these thoughts. i just don't know what is going to happen. o well we'll see the next chapter of my life.
i pray that someday the people i treasure would think about me and realize that i'm a true friend and that i am a part of their lives.

ano ba?!!!

October 20, 2005 I’ve been wondering about things. It’s been almost a week since I’ve lost my 2nd job, and now, looking for my 3rd job. I can’t get over it, what I mean is, loosing someone who made me something that I did not pursue. We’re actually doing a comic story. Based on the existing story in the bible that did not specify how it ended, or how his life ended. Well finally, I’m almost done with chapter 1. I need to think more scenes that will be logical to the story. I remember Stephen Spielberg, a writer, director and producer, who made top selling stories that were made as a movie.
Going back to myself, I don’t know what to feel, what to expect and what to think. Now that I’ve lost my job, I can feel the agony of having no money and seeing your family, crawling and grasping on the knife to survive. I wanted to contact the company, siemens, about my application. Nothing seem to be happening. I don’t know if I’m hired or not qualified at all. Hopefully they would contact me whatever the result is. So I won’t expect much about the company because I’m so sick and tired, in fact dead tired. I can’t just stay here at home and do never ending chores. I could not believe what is happening to me. Well I guess I’m being punished because I’ve been an egocentric, selfish slut. I admit that I’ve never been a good person or shall I say an ideal person. I’m so pathetic, and wasted.
This person that I’ve met is a very extraordinary person. I really like the way he encourages me, praise me or enlighten me with some things. I can say that he is an ideal person, that I could really treasure for the kindness and love as a friend. One thing that I hate is, he never ever tried to initiate to contact me or message me about how am I doing, how the story was, or even how he is. I kept on messaging him asking him regarding those things until I ran out of load. Haaaaaay…. If he knows what I’m feeling right now, If he only knew how I’m doing, then definitely he would try to contact me, or for the sake of our plans in creating a story, if he really is highly interested, he would contact me or keep on asking me how it was. I know he has his family to attend to, of course I will not be a priority, duh!
Well I’ve decided to focus and try to learn how to end this feeling of importance (you know what I mean.). someday, maybe later, I’ll be better, I’ll be highly confident with myself. I know that I’ve been a loner, I made it to think about myself and not others or not thinking about the importance of friendship. What I’m trying to say is, I can meet new people and make friends with them, but I will not let myself to get attached with them much.
Someday, I’m going to make it alright but not right now. Well blessings in disguise, I finally have a job. A while ago while I was working with the story I have decided or something went on my mind to follow up my application. I guess it’s because of my frustrations. Well I thought I did not make it to that company, but when I called the company they told me that they would actually call me later on regarding the job offer. I jumped for joy and immediately went down to my mom and told her about it. I GOT A JOB. Finally, everything’s ok, I guess time is really giving me more chances which I myself will never ever spoil again. This will be the last time that I will be kicked off. I will make it better this time.
A while ago I went to my friend who came from Japan. Well she’s looking for a job, so I helped her and give her some hints and tips for some interviews and stuff. I told her to practice English and she should be smart in answering questions. I did not tell her what had happened to me because I don’t want to discourage her. Well earlier I decided to buy me a load to spread good news to Lee and some of my colleagues in TT. Guess what, nobody replied and nobody seem to care. Those shit heads! I thought they’re my friends. I thought they would care and they would even still communicate with me. Especially this art geek. Which I think is just using me to pursue his dreams in creating a comic and to become popular in terms of comics. Honestly, I don’t want to think like that, I believe that this person is kind and a worth fighting for, do you know what I mean? He is worth in treasuring as one of the greatest people who entered in my life. I promised myself not to ever message him. Wait for him to message me and ask me about what I did, how am I doing with the story and stuff. I think it’s not that important for him regarding this stupid story. I think he’s just playing me. Once I have found out that everything is just a hoax. I’m going to kill him with my bare hands. I’m serious.
One thing for sure, I am a kind of person that is open and can understand things. If you don’t like me, say it to my face immediately and I’ll understand. I’ll stay away from you, I’ll get out of your way. Yes, I admit that it will hurt my feelings but that will be nice for me. That I would be good, next time. One of my plans next time is not to get attached much with any people to avoid this kind of feelings that I’m feeling, because it makes me restless, lonely, unease, pathetic, and all kinds of sadness and sorrow.
God, he’s so hard to forget. I can’t stop thinking about our friendship and how he really understands me. He’s the only friend who really understands me and made me pursue things which I did not pursue. He’s amazing, he’s so extraordinary. I pray that one day the comic that we’re doing will become popular, successful and himself.
Now that I will have a new job, I pray that we both have the time to meet and do the story together so that it will show that he did the story too.
O well, let’s just see what will happen after several weeks. Thank you God for such greatness, goodness and mercy that you have always provided me. I hope that I would be good in return. Thank you so much for everything

OCTOBER 15, 2005

another day, another year, another situation. well pretty much, history repeats itself. the fear of rejection has always hunted me and now i'm held captive. i don't know until when, but what sad about what had happened to me is i found a new friend. we jive together. we both have the same interests and hobbies, almost. we're actually creating a comic, a story which was based on his idea.

he find me alright and a good "writer", duh! as if.... he was amazed because i was able to write a story that meets his ideal story and stuff. he is also amazed by me because i really do research in what we're planning to do and that's what he likes.

he once told me that he is encouraged to go to work because of the project we're doing. all he can think of is the art of the comic we're creating. he also said that he's very tired of work and fed up with work, same as me. but when he found out about my hobby, not talent, he became interested and started to talk about the scenes to incorporate with the story. he even shared a lot of movies that he had watched to give me some ideas also about the story.

actually, he is the first ever, person, friend, buddy, dude that ever inspired me. he's very nice, straight forward and easy to get along with. we are both excited with the comic we're putting up. of course i'm the writer and he's the artist. he will draw the characters and stuff, but i do some research also with the cloths, gadgets and armors. i show it to him just to give him some ideas about those things.

actually, i met him before, but not that close as now that i really treasure him a lot. this is the only time that we both started to know each other. we just started to get along with, last week, i would say about oct 6, 2005 when he was transferred from another team. at first i did not mind him. i did not care and stuff. but because of that scenario, that's all it started.

so we've been buddies since then up to now. imagine, that's only a week and a day. furthermore, when saturday comes, i just can't wait for monday to see him again to discuss about the stories and what i have researched on. it was the most exciting part. until today, i've lost my job, for whatever reason. i thought it will not come. i thought it had passed but it didn't. so he's the only one who i consulted after. i told him about it and stuff. you know what? i was so touched and started to cry when he told me that he's going to miss me and he'll always be there for me whatever happeneds. he also told me that he might not stay longer also in the company because of his personal reason with his boss. and so he's like encouraging me or supporting me for what i am feeling, that it is just ok.

i immediately told him that this friendship and comic we're planning will not stop. we will continue it until we finished a book. he gives me a lot of encouragement, that i should have been a writer and that i should have practiced my writing skills to become a professional writer. he really do believes in my strong points. which i really appreciate and he's the only person who made me feel that the world is great, there's no reason to end your life. he even told me that our company is worth fighting for... well nothing we can do about it.

i told him that we'll contact each other through mobile, and email for the comic we're doing. today i just did message him but i don't get no reply, i wonder why?
hopefully tomorrow i'll be able to go to his house or we're able to meet to talk about this plan and i hope he won't lose interest..... Hopefully he would message me for Christ sake.

he's 28, married with a kid. when you see him, you'll think that he's young. he really is my GREATESt BUDDY EVER!

I WILL REALLY TREASURE HIM, CONTACT HIM IN ANY OTHER WAY. HOPEFULLY WE'LL SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN.

if you could read this lee, I really wanted to thank you for the opportunity, for opening up and showing the doors for my hidden talents. you're the greatest man.....

I WON"T EVER, EVER, FORGET YOU!