supportive 2
i'm back, sorry i was not able to to finish my journal yesterday. i've been busy and has no time to continue it. anyways going back to the topic, i just felt like very insecure and envious with ron because of that scenario in the party. well this is during when we are dancing on the dance floor. it's about this girl who likes him. God i never felt so bad about it. because i just realized that night that i'm nothing. i'm pretty concious now with my physical looks. yeah, he is good looking with the way he dress and stuff. he looks clean and good. my god i wish i was like that. i really hate myself for that. if only i had listened to my mom about the way i dress up and stuff, then i wouldn't feel this way. because i'm someone that can live whatever i wanted to be, and i'm looking like a worthless scalawag shit. geeees.... i hate myself as of the moment. this is a very unpleasant shit for me.
well yesterday i was so pissed off. i barely hated both of them, ron and ferdie, because their the only ones that has this good conversation about stuff and i'm left behind. this ron freak, always talk to ferdie all the time about good stuff and he does not even share it to me. like i felt so ignored and abandoned. he only talks to me about his bad feelings about JOS and stuff, but never shared something different that i would feel comfortable. well i guess that's the problem with me or i am the problem. if only i could die just right now, that would be muchly appreciated.
going on, yesterday after work i was bout to talk to tl about stuff but she told ferdie that she wouldn't have the time to talk to me today or that day for some reason which i don;t know. so i was really pissed. then ferdie approached me in the smoking room and told me something something which he can't say to ron, and it is the reason behind not testing me last saturday and shit stuff. i was really pissed off. one more thing i got pissed off was when ron and ferdie both spending their lives lively and without knowing my feelings and acknowledging me. god, why do i have to get stuck with this idiots......they both noticed that i was so snobbish and snooty when we were doing some activities at work.
well after that scenario, ferdie went ahead and left and ron invited me to follow him and accompany him at cdr king. then we went to ice breakers at the bldg and ferdie ordered an ice cream and whatever you call it. then they only have their own conversation. i was so quiet and i just smiled at both of them whenever they say something.....their soooooo numb. i really hate it. after ferdie ate his ice breaker dessert, ron invited us to sing at the videoke bar or whatever you may call it....so we sang a few songs and the saddest part was, both of them have duet songs, so i'm pretty much ignored, abandoned, left behind and intentionally unrecognized... i felt so bad about it and it pissed me off. both of them are having conversations, good conversation about certain celebrity and movie topics and i'm left behind. of course i'm behind them and they don't even acknowledge me. i really hate them. i was supposedly should have left and went home but it's gonna be awkward, i know! anyways when we went home, obviously he would wait for me to get a ride but he decided to cross the street and go straight home. ok i was so disappointed and felt pathetic for myself. i said, darn it man, darn it.... when i went home of course my mom asked me where i've been and i was so a so called liar. i told her that i went to BIR to get my id and told some crappy stuff. anyways when i was about to sleep, that was around 5pm, this brat messaged me, the message was, "brodly, naaalala m b ung kninang umaga pagdating k? malakas b tlga ung boses ko? dinig b ng buong flr?", i was like what?... what do you want to prove, i told myself. duh as in T-H-E! am i the person you would only message for that crappy, bullshit worthless, egocentric scenario? so what i did i did not reply. i told myself, "bahala ka sa buhay mo, punyeta ka!". so i closed my eyes then my mom closed the door. i started to cry that very moment. because i felt so pathetic for myself. i have proven that i'm really worthless and really destined to be a "man is an island". very, very, very pathetic. (crying!).
so today, i am trying to sway away from this 2 people who are great, gifted and extraordinary. i envy them. i tried to avoid them as much as possible but i was being hunted. of course i don't want to show them that i'm avoiding them, but i'm pretty sure that it is pretty obvious. a while ago when he was taking in calls and i was doing some call shadowing i went ahead and ate my lunch downstairs, alone. then he messaged me and asked me where i am. i replied that i am downstairs and i'm already eating my lunch. so a few minutes later i saw them. you know i really have a strong instinct and feeling that they are approaching. when i looked at my left i saw them. of course i made some excuses and stuff... anyhoo i just want to start all over again. why would i have to always feel this way everytime i start all over. first at teletech, i met a person and i felt so bad that we have to part away because of some instances. when i transferred here at siemens di ba, i promissed not to make friends anymore. i don't want that feeling, meeting someone that is very special to you, what i mean is a friend that is always there for you, then everything's gonna go away. what i'm saying is, i don't want that stupid feeling anymore, please help me. AYAW KO NA MAKIPAGKAIBIGAN!!!! for crying out loud.
actually he texted me and asked if i was in the office. i did not reply. by the way when they finally saw me taking my lunch he told me that i should have messaged them. i was avoiding that and i really wanted to eat alone and i just wanna be alone, so i just want to freak out let it go and get over it. he also invited me to have a smoke and told me about the message he received from our tl and asked me if she messaged me. well i lied, i'm a liar in some instances. i said no. but i did save the messages that she sent me. you see, i'm really a big fat ass liar, because i want to be alone. i'm not expecting him to, you know, accompany me or something like that. i just want him to get out of my life as much as possible please. i want to return to innocence. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, for crying out loud.
ok i don't know if she will talk to me later, or she'll make another excuse, like she has reports to do and stuff. i won't accept that. i'm just holding my temper. hopefully this will fix the problem. i can hardly imagine, if ever everything's has been solved, i'm telling you, i will be mostly ignored, neglected, abandoned and abhored. surely, for crying out loud. he who must not be named really irritates me and i want him to fall on his knees and be kicked when he's down. yeah you can say that i'm bad but i really wanted to see him fall.
going back about when the problem is solved. you'll see i won't be acknowledged anymore and i will surely be ignored and abhored, like they don't need anything from me anymore. that's a lovely scenario. how pathetic. that's what i really like so that i could be dead as soon as possible. why? well my only hope and wish is to be dead, or to die or my death.
well basically, i saw him being coached after taking a few calls. he seem very happy most probably because of positive feedback and, GOD, i don't wanna feel so envious and stuff but this stupid emotion of mine keeps telling me to feel one. i hate it. make it stop for crying out loud. i wanted to be numb or you know, dead. that's all i wanted is that hard to do.
ok i'm pretty prepared to take in calls and i don't care. come what may. see you tomorrow for more info, alright? ciao!
well yesterday i was so pissed off. i barely hated both of them, ron and ferdie, because their the only ones that has this good conversation about stuff and i'm left behind. this ron freak, always talk to ferdie all the time about good stuff and he does not even share it to me. like i felt so ignored and abandoned. he only talks to me about his bad feelings about JOS and stuff, but never shared something different that i would feel comfortable. well i guess that's the problem with me or i am the problem. if only i could die just right now, that would be muchly appreciated.
going on, yesterday after work i was bout to talk to tl about stuff but she told ferdie that she wouldn't have the time to talk to me today or that day for some reason which i don;t know. so i was really pissed. then ferdie approached me in the smoking room and told me something something which he can't say to ron, and it is the reason behind not testing me last saturday and shit stuff. i was really pissed off. one more thing i got pissed off was when ron and ferdie both spending their lives lively and without knowing my feelings and acknowledging me. god, why do i have to get stuck with this idiots......they both noticed that i was so snobbish and snooty when we were doing some activities at work.
well after that scenario, ferdie went ahead and left and ron invited me to follow him and accompany him at cdr king. then we went to ice breakers at the bldg and ferdie ordered an ice cream and whatever you call it. then they only have their own conversation. i was so quiet and i just smiled at both of them whenever they say something.....their soooooo numb. i really hate it. after ferdie ate his ice breaker dessert, ron invited us to sing at the videoke bar or whatever you may call it....so we sang a few songs and the saddest part was, both of them have duet songs, so i'm pretty much ignored, abandoned, left behind and intentionally unrecognized... i felt so bad about it and it pissed me off. both of them are having conversations, good conversation about certain celebrity and movie topics and i'm left behind. of course i'm behind them and they don't even acknowledge me. i really hate them. i was supposedly should have left and went home but it's gonna be awkward, i know! anyways when we went home, obviously he would wait for me to get a ride but he decided to cross the street and go straight home. ok i was so disappointed and felt pathetic for myself. i said, darn it man, darn it.... when i went home of course my mom asked me where i've been and i was so a so called liar. i told her that i went to BIR to get my id and told some crappy stuff. anyways when i was about to sleep, that was around 5pm, this brat messaged me, the message was, "brodly, naaalala m b ung kninang umaga pagdating k? malakas b tlga ung boses ko? dinig b ng buong flr?", i was like what?... what do you want to prove, i told myself. duh as in T-H-E! am i the person you would only message for that crappy, bullshit worthless, egocentric scenario? so what i did i did not reply. i told myself, "bahala ka sa buhay mo, punyeta ka!". so i closed my eyes then my mom closed the door. i started to cry that very moment. because i felt so pathetic for myself. i have proven that i'm really worthless and really destined to be a "man is an island". very, very, very pathetic. (crying!).
so today, i am trying to sway away from this 2 people who are great, gifted and extraordinary. i envy them. i tried to avoid them as much as possible but i was being hunted. of course i don't want to show them that i'm avoiding them, but i'm pretty sure that it is pretty obvious. a while ago when he was taking in calls and i was doing some call shadowing i went ahead and ate my lunch downstairs, alone. then he messaged me and asked me where i am. i replied that i am downstairs and i'm already eating my lunch. so a few minutes later i saw them. you know i really have a strong instinct and feeling that they are approaching. when i looked at my left i saw them. of course i made some excuses and stuff... anyhoo i just want to start all over again. why would i have to always feel this way everytime i start all over. first at teletech, i met a person and i felt so bad that we have to part away because of some instances. when i transferred here at siemens di ba, i promissed not to make friends anymore. i don't want that feeling, meeting someone that is very special to you, what i mean is a friend that is always there for you, then everything's gonna go away. what i'm saying is, i don't want that stupid feeling anymore, please help me. AYAW KO NA MAKIPAGKAIBIGAN!!!! for crying out loud.
actually he texted me and asked if i was in the office. i did not reply. by the way when they finally saw me taking my lunch he told me that i should have messaged them. i was avoiding that and i really wanted to eat alone and i just wanna be alone, so i just want to freak out let it go and get over it. he also invited me to have a smoke and told me about the message he received from our tl and asked me if she messaged me. well i lied, i'm a liar in some instances. i said no. but i did save the messages that she sent me. you see, i'm really a big fat ass liar, because i want to be alone. i'm not expecting him to, you know, accompany me or something like that. i just want him to get out of my life as much as possible please. i want to return to innocence. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, for crying out loud.
ok i don't know if she will talk to me later, or she'll make another excuse, like she has reports to do and stuff. i won't accept that. i'm just holding my temper. hopefully this will fix the problem. i can hardly imagine, if ever everything's has been solved, i'm telling you, i will be mostly ignored, neglected, abandoned and abhored. surely, for crying out loud. he who must not be named really irritates me and i want him to fall on his knees and be kicked when he's down. yeah you can say that i'm bad but i really wanted to see him fall.
going back about when the problem is solved. you'll see i won't be acknowledged anymore and i will surely be ignored and abhored, like they don't need anything from me anymore. that's a lovely scenario. how pathetic. that's what i really like so that i could be dead as soon as possible. why? well my only hope and wish is to be dead, or to die or my death.
well basically, i saw him being coached after taking a few calls. he seem very happy most probably because of positive feedback and, GOD, i don't wanna feel so envious and stuff but this stupid emotion of mine keeps telling me to feel one. i hate it. make it stop for crying out loud. i wanted to be numb or you know, dead. that's all i wanted is that hard to do.
ok i'm pretty prepared to take in calls and i don't care. come what may. see you tomorrow for more info, alright? ciao!
posted by ly at 9:49 AM
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