sh*t
well basically, i've been over reacting . why did i say that? well it's because i've been so snooty and snobby. well basically because i'm starting to hate myself for being what i am. i really never felt like this before. i thought everythings gonna be fine, but i've noticed that i was pretty pathetic and darn worthless. basically i haven't finished my blog yesterday so i am continuing it today. as you will notice it has a different title than what i have with this new one. well basically i'm starting to avoid these people but i did have a great time yesterday with them. i did not want to show them that i am avoiding or swaying away from them because of my insecurities. so yeah, yesterday i thought that bought of them went home already and got pissed off of me because i felt like i'm acting like a vip. gradually i went and talk with our tl regarding the situation. ok blah, blah, blah, blah about the situation that is going on. then when i finally finished my conversation what we had was the hard feelings about the christmas party last saturday, december 17, 2005 to be exact. everything was clear to me now, except that i really wanted to sway away from this guys.
going on , i thought that these guys left already but when i looked back i saw ferdie and he's waiting for me. so i said, ok so they were waiting for me. i remembered that the last thing i've told tl was, "just don't tell them that i'm avoiding or starting to avoid them. it's a personal reason". but i'm pretty scared that i will be so called a bastard that day for what i've said to tl regarding avoiding them. nevertheless tl would mention that or say that to them. well i forsee that once these people started to know that, of course they will get mad at me. well that's alright because i really wanted to be alone and pathetic of myself as what i have been long before.
yesterday after our conversaton with precious, i mean after my conversation with precious, i saw them waiting for me. of course they would wait to gather information about what we've talked about. so we went down and they started to buy food. what i did is buy a can of beer and bought a pack of cigar. well unfortunately it is because this ron guy here wanted to know the information about our conversation. ok i've started to think that this will be the time that he will start to abhor me. ok so i told not everything about the conversation that i had with precious. but i was straight forward to ron about the situation. i don't have to be in detail because it will be a very long sh*. i've asked him that if he is mad at me, just tell me and i don't care about it, yeah! so i was wrong about what i thought that he would get mad at me. he said when i ask that, that he is not mad and it's ok with him, he did not care. so i told myself SH*T! i'm really stupid and idiotic. because i was wrong with what i'm expecting to happen.
ok everytime that we have our debriefing after our calls i show depression, frustration, and it's like i was not in the mood. but it did not help. i don't know there's something in me that haunts me and that makes me realize about what i'm doing. i really hate it, my god i don'ts like this feeling.
so today before i started to compose this darn sh*t journal. they've invited me to go downstairs and eat. but what can i do? i just did accompany them to eat something at jollibee. i did not eat and they are inviting me and asking me what i wanna eat. of course, hello i don't want to eat. what i did was bought a can of beer again and drank it outside the bldg while we were having a smoke.. so at this very moment, that i'm typing, i'm waiting for him to talk to precious, our tl. i've asked myself why should i be waitnig for him. what am i trying to prove here? i'm sooooooooo really pathetic. i hate myself i wish that i could die just right now. if only somebody would just kill me now. it will be a relief.
ron told me not to open blog spot because it is prohibited here in ops to browse websites. well i said i don't care and it's not about something that would bother those FISH people. and so he replied, "sige bahal ka yung sa akin lang naman is just to inform you". ok fine, whatever man, i don't care. can you please mind your own freaking business. that's what i told myself. so 10 minutes ago? he left and went somewhere which i don't know and he left his things on this workstation that i'm working on. and i wonder why he is taking so much time and what should i do right now? should i leave now ? anyways i'm going somewhere i just have to finish this blog so i can go home and do stuff that i want. ok till next time see you tomorrow.
P.S.
they're having their conversation now. hahahahaha whatever see you tomorrow and by the way MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR, MAN!
going on , i thought that these guys left already but when i looked back i saw ferdie and he's waiting for me. so i said, ok so they were waiting for me. i remembered that the last thing i've told tl was, "just don't tell them that i'm avoiding or starting to avoid them. it's a personal reason". but i'm pretty scared that i will be so called a bastard that day for what i've said to tl regarding avoiding them. nevertheless tl would mention that or say that to them. well i forsee that once these people started to know that, of course they will get mad at me. well that's alright because i really wanted to be alone and pathetic of myself as what i have been long before.
yesterday after our conversaton with precious, i mean after my conversation with precious, i saw them waiting for me. of course they would wait to gather information about what we've talked about. so we went down and they started to buy food. what i did is buy a can of beer and bought a pack of cigar. well unfortunately it is because this ron guy here wanted to know the information about our conversation. ok i've started to think that this will be the time that he will start to abhor me. ok so i told not everything about the conversation that i had with precious. but i was straight forward to ron about the situation. i don't have to be in detail because it will be a very long sh*. i've asked him that if he is mad at me, just tell me and i don't care about it, yeah! so i was wrong about what i thought that he would get mad at me. he said when i ask that, that he is not mad and it's ok with him, he did not care. so i told myself SH*T! i'm really stupid and idiotic. because i was wrong with what i'm expecting to happen.
ok everytime that we have our debriefing after our calls i show depression, frustration, and it's like i was not in the mood. but it did not help. i don't know there's something in me that haunts me and that makes me realize about what i'm doing. i really hate it, my god i don'ts like this feeling.
so today before i started to compose this darn sh*t journal. they've invited me to go downstairs and eat. but what can i do? i just did accompany them to eat something at jollibee. i did not eat and they are inviting me and asking me what i wanna eat. of course, hello i don't want to eat. what i did was bought a can of beer again and drank it outside the bldg while we were having a smoke.. so at this very moment, that i'm typing, i'm waiting for him to talk to precious, our tl. i've asked myself why should i be waitnig for him. what am i trying to prove here? i'm sooooooooo really pathetic. i hate myself i wish that i could die just right now. if only somebody would just kill me now. it will be a relief.
ron told me not to open blog spot because it is prohibited here in ops to browse websites. well i said i don't care and it's not about something that would bother those FISH people. and so he replied, "sige bahal ka yung sa akin lang naman is just to inform you". ok fine, whatever man, i don't care. can you please mind your own freaking business. that's what i told myself. so 10 minutes ago? he left and went somewhere which i don't know and he left his things on this workstation that i'm working on. and i wonder why he is taking so much time and what should i do right now? should i leave now ? anyways i'm going somewhere i just have to finish this blog so i can go home and do stuff that i want. ok till next time see you tomorrow.
P.S.
they're having their conversation now. hahahahaha whatever see you tomorrow and by the way MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR, MAN!
posted by ly at 2:21 PM
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