unhealthy
well here i am and back in the same damn old messed up place. i've isolated myself again and took the farther station from tl's station. basically, i'm mad and i'm shy to face her and look at her. because of what she had said to me yesterday. just what i thought, he was mad at me because of the jokes i pressed on her. too bad for me and especially for her. what a pathetic loser. well basically she's my boss and i should not throw jokes like that so no one gets hurt. so i've decided after we had a conversation not to talk anymore. just to keep quiet and never mingle with anyone about her. i never ment to hurt her feelings when i tell jokes. i just realized, without thinking, that it will hurt others feelings. that's what my mom tells me, i should always think first before saying anything. i should have filter in my head. i don't talk much but when i utter something it's coming out worse than ever. i feel so sorry about what had happened these past few days. i felt it that she felt bad about what i have said. i've noticed it since wednesday. so i'm really sorry for crying out loud. well too much damage had been done, no undo key. if only life has an undo key. well in reality there's none.
now i felt like i'm worse than ron. honestly. i should hav been the one transferred than him. if ever he was not transferred then everything's fine and comfy. more success to him and more bad luck to me. he deserves the opportunities that were given to me. he should have been the one having these tasks for his career growth. i'm so messed up. everything's messed up, and the reason is me. i always fail things. i don't want them to make me feel important because i'm not. hindi ako nagpapaka importante sa kanila and i just want to live my life alone. i think i'm the one here that has this personality problem not those people i know of. so i need t die, now! i think i might have to go away and disappear. i know He is telling me something that i'm not even paying attention and not even listening. i think i have a big wall in my ears the reason why i'm not getting things right, as HE is telling me what to do to make life better.
today's the day that i know things are not ok. so i need to do something but i'm not sure what to do. geees, this is getting bad and irritating. i can't just go like this all the time. am i being bad? just tell me and inform me so that at least i a m aware. i tend to say things about other's attitude but i don't even observe myself of being that too. i can't take this anymore and i'm almost pretty sure, i am a dead man sooner or later, you'll see. hopefully. 2 minutes to go before i log in. goodluck with my calls and please make it good somehow, enlighten me with intellectual things so i would not fail on my work......just like yesterday.
guess what, cy is the fw for the day. good thing. good luck with him. honestly, i felt bad about it because i was not chosen to be a floorwalker. well anyway, that's ok ad alright. the world does not go round on me alone. o well, that's what i get of being an asshole. i'm not showing my face to tl because i don't want to. walang pakialamanan. please lang noh! i'm also thinking aout my agenda later. after my shift, i don't know where i will stay, because rex messaged me to go there after lunch or on lunch. now the enext problem is, i don't know if he'll allow me to stay there for one night because as far as i'm concern, my mom knew that i will be in batangas with the team building but definitely not. i have never told anyone about that yet because they'll gonna kill me. everything will gone wrong and bad. so good luck with me. hopefully when i go to rex's place, everything's fun and comfy. i guess i will receive a call now.
good thing that my call was pretty easy. well this fw stayed on my cluster and i hate it i felt so intimidated and i'm sorry. i hope someone would save me from all of the unclean. what i wanted to happen right now is to feel like i'm contented and satisfied but it's too far from the reality. i always tend to have illusions and fantasies about my life but definitley it will not ever happen because of myself. i hate myself, really. how can a person grow if you hate yourself. too bad and pathetic. i will try to be calm and feel good today. as long as know notices me and no one cares about me and that's just fine. i don't want to have a coaching session again with her because i believe that will be pretentious and all. ayaw ko na so to speak. i just can't wait to go home and have some fun. i'm not looking forward to become a floor walker on tuesday. it's not good. don't they ever spin me around or i'll spin their heads so they die. i'm so amazed with what is happening to me today that i could just kill myself.
well i went on bio break then suddenly precious asked cy where i am. i said i'm here. and so please don't ask me to transfer there on my station because i don't want to.mwahahahahahahahaha! o i just can't wait go to rex's house. i will not mingle anymore to anyone except for ferdie. that's a fact. in the smoking room earlier i did not talk to anyone i knew there. well because id on;t feel like pretending. people would just talk to you because they cannot resist of just being quiet just like me. i can be just quiet for the rest of my life. like i don't talk to anyone and stuff. to avoid mistakes because i'm a walking mistake. unhealthy......i want to leave this messed up place now! i wanted to go away and disappear. why can't it happen to me. why can't i just die rtight now. this is so annoying. now i can see that i will never be successful and worthy. so i deserve to die.
well basically tl asked cy why i was in this cluster and she thought that i did not want to sit beside her. well honestly, yeah! i just masde an excuse that somebody was seated there. but when i arrived no one's seated there. it's a good thing that i am seated here. i want to stay here and please don't mind me coz whatever you say, i will not leave this cluster, ok? so leave me alone!
i just realized now that this station actually makes me feel good and comfy. i feel like i'm alive and alone. that is what i like. thankfully i was not being transferred back t my station. i wanted to fly high, so high that i could touch the sun and feel free like a bird. grabe! talagang si RON e wala na. talagang nakalimutan na nya ang lahat and stuff. wag na wag nyang sasabihin na inabandon namin sya ni ferdie dahil sya ang lumayo at hindi kami. ni hindi nga sya lumalapit sa akin ever. keber! basta good luck na lang sa kanya at sana mmaging masaya na sya sa buhay nya.
going back with myself. moving on, what will be the agenda later. after my shift, 6 am what will i do? will i be able to find a way to make myself happy and stuff? will i make something cool. wala naman akong pera. i'm pissed off by my mom, coz she took my money and the reason why i don't even have money. i only have less than a hundred bucks. my good ness. so pityful. i don't want to borrow from anyone coz i'm not used to with that. it's embarrassing. i work then i just need to borrow money from others. that's humiliating. very humiliating.
anyway i am going to try to have m y lunch with ferdie, because i want to. i just wanted to experience going down the building and talk something about things and all. i will not transfer back to my station because i feel like i could die when i see her. i am humiliated by what she had told me yesterday and i don't care if she feels like i'm avoiding her and if she will talk to me later regarding that. she is open to everything but i'm not because i know things will be worse once i open up and tell what i feel about her. i'm really so sorry about what happened that's why i'm avoiding myself to have conversation with her. the problem is me, ther's no problem at all. thankfully she's not asking about how i am today because definitely i would say i'm ok but deep inside of me i'm not. so leave me alone please.
o well today's the day i pray i'll make it through. so far so bad. so i'm gonna kill myself now. i can ferdie from here and he's very busy working on with his or with the queueue. i envy him because at least you can see his career growth and stuff, unlike me.
well i just took my last break for the week and i met 3 people there, kris, jp and the other guy which i don't know who. well we've talked about ghosts and had fun with it. then psyzophrenia, i don't know the spelling, and had a fun for quite a little while. at least i was able not to think about the sad things in life. mwahahahahaha!
well i guess i'll have to see you on monday again, and just inform you about further things that will happen. by the way tl is not around as well as the other tls and i wonder why? good luck !
ciao
now i felt like i'm worse than ron. honestly. i should hav been the one transferred than him. if ever he was not transferred then everything's fine and comfy. more success to him and more bad luck to me. he deserves the opportunities that were given to me. he should have been the one having these tasks for his career growth. i'm so messed up. everything's messed up, and the reason is me. i always fail things. i don't want them to make me feel important because i'm not. hindi ako nagpapaka importante sa kanila and i just want to live my life alone. i think i'm the one here that has this personality problem not those people i know of. so i need t die, now! i think i might have to go away and disappear. i know He is telling me something that i'm not even paying attention and not even listening. i think i have a big wall in my ears the reason why i'm not getting things right, as HE is telling me what to do to make life better.
today's the day that i know things are not ok. so i need to do something but i'm not sure what to do. geees, this is getting bad and irritating. i can't just go like this all the time. am i being bad? just tell me and inform me so that at least i a m aware. i tend to say things about other's attitude but i don't even observe myself of being that too. i can't take this anymore and i'm almost pretty sure, i am a dead man sooner or later, you'll see. hopefully. 2 minutes to go before i log in. goodluck with my calls and please make it good somehow, enlighten me with intellectual things so i would not fail on my work......just like yesterday.
guess what, cy is the fw for the day. good thing. good luck with him. honestly, i felt bad about it because i was not chosen to be a floorwalker. well anyway, that's ok ad alright. the world does not go round on me alone. o well, that's what i get of being an asshole. i'm not showing my face to tl because i don't want to. walang pakialamanan. please lang noh! i'm also thinking aout my agenda later. after my shift, i don't know where i will stay, because rex messaged me to go there after lunch or on lunch. now the enext problem is, i don't know if he'll allow me to stay there for one night because as far as i'm concern, my mom knew that i will be in batangas with the team building but definitely not. i have never told anyone about that yet because they'll gonna kill me. everything will gone wrong and bad. so good luck with me. hopefully when i go to rex's place, everything's fun and comfy. i guess i will receive a call now.
good thing that my call was pretty easy. well this fw stayed on my cluster and i hate it i felt so intimidated and i'm sorry. i hope someone would save me from all of the unclean. what i wanted to happen right now is to feel like i'm contented and satisfied but it's too far from the reality. i always tend to have illusions and fantasies about my life but definitley it will not ever happen because of myself. i hate myself, really. how can a person grow if you hate yourself. too bad and pathetic. i will try to be calm and feel good today. as long as know notices me and no one cares about me and that's just fine. i don't want to have a coaching session again with her because i believe that will be pretentious and all. ayaw ko na so to speak. i just can't wait to go home and have some fun. i'm not looking forward to become a floor walker on tuesday. it's not good. don't they ever spin me around or i'll spin their heads so they die. i'm so amazed with what is happening to me today that i could just kill myself.
well i went on bio break then suddenly precious asked cy where i am. i said i'm here. and so please don't ask me to transfer there on my station because i don't want to.mwahahahahahahahaha! o i just can't wait go to rex's house. i will not mingle anymore to anyone except for ferdie. that's a fact. in the smoking room earlier i did not talk to anyone i knew there. well because id on;t feel like pretending. people would just talk to you because they cannot resist of just being quiet just like me. i can be just quiet for the rest of my life. like i don't talk to anyone and stuff. to avoid mistakes because i'm a walking mistake. unhealthy......i want to leave this messed up place now! i wanted to go away and disappear. why can't it happen to me. why can't i just die rtight now. this is so annoying. now i can see that i will never be successful and worthy. so i deserve to die.
well basically tl asked cy why i was in this cluster and she thought that i did not want to sit beside her. well honestly, yeah! i just masde an excuse that somebody was seated there. but when i arrived no one's seated there. it's a good thing that i am seated here. i want to stay here and please don't mind me coz whatever you say, i will not leave this cluster, ok? so leave me alone!
i just realized now that this station actually makes me feel good and comfy. i feel like i'm alive and alone. that is what i like. thankfully i was not being transferred back t my station. i wanted to fly high, so high that i could touch the sun and feel free like a bird. grabe! talagang si RON e wala na. talagang nakalimutan na nya ang lahat and stuff. wag na wag nyang sasabihin na inabandon namin sya ni ferdie dahil sya ang lumayo at hindi kami. ni hindi nga sya lumalapit sa akin ever. keber! basta good luck na lang sa kanya at sana mmaging masaya na sya sa buhay nya.
going back with myself. moving on, what will be the agenda later. after my shift, 6 am what will i do? will i be able to find a way to make myself happy and stuff? will i make something cool. wala naman akong pera. i'm pissed off by my mom, coz she took my money and the reason why i don't even have money. i only have less than a hundred bucks. my good ness. so pityful. i don't want to borrow from anyone coz i'm not used to with that. it's embarrassing. i work then i just need to borrow money from others. that's humiliating. very humiliating.
anyway i am going to try to have m y lunch with ferdie, because i want to. i just wanted to experience going down the building and talk something about things and all. i will not transfer back to my station because i feel like i could die when i see her. i am humiliated by what she had told me yesterday and i don't care if she feels like i'm avoiding her and if she will talk to me later regarding that. she is open to everything but i'm not because i know things will be worse once i open up and tell what i feel about her. i'm really so sorry about what happened that's why i'm avoiding myself to have conversation with her. the problem is me, ther's no problem at all. thankfully she's not asking about how i am today because definitely i would say i'm ok but deep inside of me i'm not. so leave me alone please.
o well today's the day i pray i'll make it through. so far so bad. so i'm gonna kill myself now. i can ferdie from here and he's very busy working on with his or with the queueue. i envy him because at least you can see his career growth and stuff, unlike me.
well i just took my last break for the week and i met 3 people there, kris, jp and the other guy which i don't know who. well we've talked about ghosts and had fun with it. then psyzophrenia, i don't know the spelling, and had a fun for quite a little while. at least i was able not to think about the sad things in life. mwahahahahaha!
well i guess i'll have to see you on monday again, and just inform you about further things that will happen. by the way tl is not around as well as the other tls and i wonder why? good luck !
ciao
posted by ly at 3:42 AM
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