just another pathetic day!
ok so what's the buzz? well here i go again feeling pathetic, worried, confused, peculiar and inquisitive. i don't know why. i can't seem to act strongly. there's always something in my mind that bothers me. yeah, FEAR! strange, but true. weell a friend told me that all people has the fear of something. you cannot say that you, yourself don't have the fear. i do believe that. i can't seem to think straight and do the appropriate things to make me feel alive. if only somebody would give me strength, encouragement and make my mind clear about things. i've realized that the reason why i'm feeling this way is because i got carried away by my parents and let's just say family. the lifestyle, how they raise you and also it affects the level or your level in the family. well i guess it all depends on your standing. how you stand in your life, either at home or in the society. i envy others. eventhough they don't have the luxury and fate in life, they manage to conquer their fear, worries and stuff. they find a way to make theirselves satisfied and happy at the same time. unlike me, i can't seem to find my happiness and contentment. i really feel so empty. the worse thing in me is that i don't have all the luxuries but i feel empyt. not only luxuries but simple things that a typical person has. o well, so sad yet so bad and pathetic. no one cares. no one minds. one thing that is a problem with me also is i don't express my inner feeling to anyone. i pretend that i'm strong and can handle situations but at the back of my head, I"M NT! I can't seem to figure out things that i should be doing. still searching for myself. that's the hardest thing in life, if you're still surrounded by the AUTHORITIVES, there's nothing you can do but just to obey and follow orders. o well i suck, to cut it short. worthless, non sense, embecille and stuff. what else can i say to myself? i'm still hoping that everythings gonna change. it'll change, someday, somehow, but not right now. hopefully i won't say that or i don't have to say that forever because i know i won't live forever....haaaaaaay! i know i should not be like this, or else it would just drag me down. so what can ido? can you please tell me coz i really don't have anyidea.
there's so much to say but, GOD, it's killing me softly now. i really would like to format my brain. if only that's possible for humans then it will highly be appreciated. just like computers. once the computer gone bad. you can instantly format it or have it serviced and just a blink of an eye, it's all brand new. i'm going to find that THING. i don't know what that is but surely, it'll hit me instantly and make me feel that i'm alive.
well actually all i do for life to become worthwhile is to use my computer and discover things for computers, play guitar, compose songs, lyrics or poems, clean the freaking house as what they've obliged me to do. do all what they're asking for, smoke, make my younger sister get annoyed, message friends uisng my phone and they'll never reply as if they don't care.
while i was doing this crap, this person near my station is so arrogant and bitchy! if somebody's going to talk to him he would stare at the person and smile and it's like he's down to earth. but when i just asked him about something, yeeeees, he does not look at me and he would just reply with a close answer, either yes, no, none, or something else. that's it. that shit head! what i can say to him is, your gonna get yours, you stupid monkey head.
it's 5:50 am. 10 minutes before i log-in. ok hopefully everything's gonna be good. hopefully this would not be a hard time and day for me and everything's gonna be light for me to handle. te feeling of being left behind or out of place is not unusuall for me. everyday of my life, i always experience that. 7 minutes before i log in....
ok i took my first call and lasted for about 23 minutes. it is a good call and i love it, but i feel like it's not enough to finish the call. anyway, it's a lovely call, i can say.
well basically just to share with you, he visited me on my station, and invites me to grab a smoke. how thoughtful of him. i appreciate that. ok then of course momentarily he would go home already. well i hate this shift. it's boring and i feel sleepy. if only i could have my schedule replaced. but somebody told me that it is not allowed to change the schedule. ok i sill not attmept to do that. he told me that i should try to attempt and ask her if that's possible. ok fine, i've realized that there's nothing to loose. every day has it's day, every day has a new beginning. so what! i don't feel it..... it's the same old story that i hear and it's the same old thing that i'm experiencing.
Just for me to share, i found a saying on the website and it says, "Will is the key to growth". ok yeah, i do believe that, but in mycase i don't have a will because i'm still controlled by people at home. i wanted to break free, but how can i do that. where do i start? a lot of questions left unanswered. me myself does not have a clue, hint or just simple tip. looking for an answer but, duh, where can i grab it?
by the way, yesterday before i left work, i took time to read the blog of the person who commented on my blog. she's 17 years old and same thing as me, she has problems with her mom. she mentioned that she always end up fighting with her mom. she also love to create peoms. when i read her poem, i was pretty amazed and inspired by her creation. i really like it.
on the other hand, one thing i've noticed, he is still here. he's shift ended at 6am and i'm wondering why he's still here. will he wait for me to take my lunch or something? o well i don't know. but i'm happy or will be happy if that's the case. so that i would have a companion to take my lunch. well basically we were pulled out just now, and had some feedback regarding the KPI crap thing at work. we tokk it about an hour and 14 minutes to be exact. and i'm about to take my lunch about 12 minutes and counting. i brought me afood. so i can save money for us to play bad mintho on sunday. by the way next sunday, because they have their own reasons not to come or to postponed it this coming sunday. o well i've received their email and so i've replied with a single word, "ok". whatever. with that reply, it conotes a lot of meaning. subtle meaning which no one would definitely know the exact meaning, whatever!. i've missed a lot of things. and now it's all coming back to me and it makes me realize and makes me regret those things. sh8t!
o well, what would be the best thing to do? who knows, what could happen? SIRET! well earlier before i went ahead and continue this, he texted me and asked me when will we watch narnia. ok i told him that i was just waiting for them. then i get no decent reply regarding that. he just informed me about something that he will eat at a fast food chain. ok then i get no reply after i replied on that. ok...so what now? our tl is still here and i'm wondering the hell she's doing here. would she coach me or something? well i don't wanna ask her because she told me about that stuff. oh yeah, before i forget, FISH is not around. mwahahahahahaha! hopefully she's busy fixing his papers and stuff to work abroad. well hopefully he would be gone by now, as in right now, at this very moment, NOW! he's my nightmare. so better go away before i make him go away, just kidding.
what if this person, showed something, or made me realize that this person missed me. mwahahahaha funny. la lang kasi i believe it's a good feeling. ain't it cute. yeah you can say, dream on! well i'm still thinking about the possibilities, but it's too far from the possiblities. !
o well it's already 11am and still waiting for 3pm to get outta here. i want to go home so i can play with the computer. well because i want to. just to play red alert2. i've tried to install that last night but it was not successful. the installation was successful but when i tried to load and play it. it won't display anything on the screen. so i'll try it again later.
basically i think ron went home already. he did not reply with my messages and so that's bad. anyway, moving on, i want to go home. i want to freaking sleep and freaking wipe out all the worries that i have in my mind. it's slowly killing me now. i just can't understand this feeling i have. it's better for me to just die now. will somebody kill me please. i'm begging you, anyone? so many problems so many worries and fears. i just can't breathe. i really want to have a peice of mind Contentment, happiness, and a so called life to live. so tired, so darn, freaking tired, i could start to bang my head on the wall until i bleed to death and bleed me dry.
i'm totally confused with everything i see,feel and think. just like this situation, when i message somebody i treasure, they don't reply and so i think that it's a gesture of i'm not worthy. then when you finally meet, that person would approach you and make you feel good and whatever you may call it. now you tell me. what is that? i don't have a definite understand. i want a conversation, an honest, truthful serious conversation. no pretentions and lies just the real conversation. that's all i'm asking for, is that hard to ask, is that too much to ask? my goodness, things are getting worse than i thought. i thought i got over it but definitely not. i can't take this anymore, and i'm pretty sure that it will kill me and might as well kill me now and immediate, not softly, not slowly but instantly. i will really appreciate that, highly appreciate it. i feel like i'm in a cage. nowhere to run, nowhere to hide and nowhere to breathe. is there an option that we can choose to live the way we want our lives? hopefully there is, how i wish! it's really pissing me off, with the things going inside me head. ANO BA???!!!!!!! make it STOP. i really want to rest and make my mind clear and free from doubts.
earlier this person told me something about the recommendation for that person's promotion. ok i know for a fact why that person would go home. it's because that person wants to talk to it's parents and share stuff and stuff and stuff, whatsoever. how nice. i seem to envy that kind of gesture. i don't know because i'm a pathetic stupid worthless person and wondering why i'm still here. in the first place why do i have to meet these kind of people? why did HE let me meet these kind of people. it's just dragging me down and making me feel bad. they are good and nice people, but it makes me feel so sad, bad, confused and even brings me down. i totally dragging myself down. it's stressing me out. i sometimes feel so insecure which i'm not. i was shocked when i felt insecure because i've never been insecure til now. tapos, sasabihin ko na sa tagalog, bakit ginagaya ko lahat ng mga bagay na ginagawa nya? hello napaka walang originality ko naman ata. at parang ako yung greatest fan at sya ang idol ko. ang pangit man! super pangit. nakakahiya talaga ican''t take this anymore. hindi naman ako ganito dati. marami na akong nakilalang taong katulad nya pero ngayon ko lang na-experience ito. shuckers! i'm pretty scared of myself. now i'm discovering, or beginning to discover my new FEAR. please, i don't wanna know that fear because definitely it will drag me down even worse, worse than worse.
i want to cry, freak out and scream out loud, cry out loud, go crazy and smash something. please make it stop. i'm begging you. that's the least you can do. i'm crying now because i really can't take this anymore. i'm really crying now......i don't know if it'll make me feel better, but please, please one more wish for me, make me go back from what i was. i'm looking forward for it.
there's so much to say but, GOD, it's killing me softly now. i really would like to format my brain. if only that's possible for humans then it will highly be appreciated. just like computers. once the computer gone bad. you can instantly format it or have it serviced and just a blink of an eye, it's all brand new. i'm going to find that THING. i don't know what that is but surely, it'll hit me instantly and make me feel that i'm alive.
well actually all i do for life to become worthwhile is to use my computer and discover things for computers, play guitar, compose songs, lyrics or poems, clean the freaking house as what they've obliged me to do. do all what they're asking for, smoke, make my younger sister get annoyed, message friends uisng my phone and they'll never reply as if they don't care.
while i was doing this crap, this person near my station is so arrogant and bitchy! if somebody's going to talk to him he would stare at the person and smile and it's like he's down to earth. but when i just asked him about something, yeeeees, he does not look at me and he would just reply with a close answer, either yes, no, none, or something else. that's it. that shit head! what i can say to him is, your gonna get yours, you stupid monkey head.
it's 5:50 am. 10 minutes before i log-in. ok hopefully everything's gonna be good. hopefully this would not be a hard time and day for me and everything's gonna be light for me to handle. te feeling of being left behind or out of place is not unusuall for me. everyday of my life, i always experience that. 7 minutes before i log in....
ok i took my first call and lasted for about 23 minutes. it is a good call and i love it, but i feel like it's not enough to finish the call. anyway, it's a lovely call, i can say.
well basically just to share with you, he visited me on my station, and invites me to grab a smoke. how thoughtful of him. i appreciate that. ok then of course momentarily he would go home already. well i hate this shift. it's boring and i feel sleepy. if only i could have my schedule replaced. but somebody told me that it is not allowed to change the schedule. ok i sill not attmept to do that. he told me that i should try to attempt and ask her if that's possible. ok fine, i've realized that there's nothing to loose. every day has it's day, every day has a new beginning. so what! i don't feel it..... it's the same old story that i hear and it's the same old thing that i'm experiencing.
Just for me to share, i found a saying on the website and it says, "Will is the key to growth". ok yeah, i do believe that, but in mycase i don't have a will because i'm still controlled by people at home. i wanted to break free, but how can i do that. where do i start? a lot of questions left unanswered. me myself does not have a clue, hint or just simple tip. looking for an answer but, duh, where can i grab it?
by the way, yesterday before i left work, i took time to read the blog of the person who commented on my blog. she's 17 years old and same thing as me, she has problems with her mom. she mentioned that she always end up fighting with her mom. she also love to create peoms. when i read her poem, i was pretty amazed and inspired by her creation. i really like it.
on the other hand, one thing i've noticed, he is still here. he's shift ended at 6am and i'm wondering why he's still here. will he wait for me to take my lunch or something? o well i don't know. but i'm happy or will be happy if that's the case. so that i would have a companion to take my lunch. well basically we were pulled out just now, and had some feedback regarding the KPI crap thing at work. we tokk it about an hour and 14 minutes to be exact. and i'm about to take my lunch about 12 minutes and counting. i brought me afood. so i can save money for us to play bad mintho on sunday. by the way next sunday, because they have their own reasons not to come or to postponed it this coming sunday. o well i've received their email and so i've replied with a single word, "ok". whatever. with that reply, it conotes a lot of meaning. subtle meaning which no one would definitely know the exact meaning, whatever!. i've missed a lot of things. and now it's all coming back to me and it makes me realize and makes me regret those things. sh8t!
o well, what would be the best thing to do? who knows, what could happen? SIRET! well earlier before i went ahead and continue this, he texted me and asked me when will we watch narnia. ok i told him that i was just waiting for them. then i get no decent reply regarding that. he just informed me about something that he will eat at a fast food chain. ok then i get no reply after i replied on that. ok...so what now? our tl is still here and i'm wondering the hell she's doing here. would she coach me or something? well i don't wanna ask her because she told me about that stuff. oh yeah, before i forget, FISH is not around. mwahahahahahaha! hopefully she's busy fixing his papers and stuff to work abroad. well hopefully he would be gone by now, as in right now, at this very moment, NOW! he's my nightmare. so better go away before i make him go away, just kidding.
what if this person, showed something, or made me realize that this person missed me. mwahahahaha funny. la lang kasi i believe it's a good feeling. ain't it cute. yeah you can say, dream on! well i'm still thinking about the possibilities, but it's too far from the possiblities. !
o well it's already 11am and still waiting for 3pm to get outta here. i want to go home so i can play with the computer. well because i want to. just to play red alert2. i've tried to install that last night but it was not successful. the installation was successful but when i tried to load and play it. it won't display anything on the screen. so i'll try it again later.
basically i think ron went home already. he did not reply with my messages and so that's bad. anyway, moving on, i want to go home. i want to freaking sleep and freaking wipe out all the worries that i have in my mind. it's slowly killing me now. i just can't understand this feeling i have. it's better for me to just die now. will somebody kill me please. i'm begging you, anyone? so many problems so many worries and fears. i just can't breathe. i really want to have a peice of mind Contentment, happiness, and a so called life to live. so tired, so darn, freaking tired, i could start to bang my head on the wall until i bleed to death and bleed me dry.
i'm totally confused with everything i see,feel and think. just like this situation, when i message somebody i treasure, they don't reply and so i think that it's a gesture of i'm not worthy. then when you finally meet, that person would approach you and make you feel good and whatever you may call it. now you tell me. what is that? i don't have a definite understand. i want a conversation, an honest, truthful serious conversation. no pretentions and lies just the real conversation. that's all i'm asking for, is that hard to ask, is that too much to ask? my goodness, things are getting worse than i thought. i thought i got over it but definitely not. i can't take this anymore, and i'm pretty sure that it will kill me and might as well kill me now and immediate, not softly, not slowly but instantly. i will really appreciate that, highly appreciate it. i feel like i'm in a cage. nowhere to run, nowhere to hide and nowhere to breathe. is there an option that we can choose to live the way we want our lives? hopefully there is, how i wish! it's really pissing me off, with the things going inside me head. ANO BA???!!!!!!! make it STOP. i really want to rest and make my mind clear and free from doubts.
earlier this person told me something about the recommendation for that person's promotion. ok i know for a fact why that person would go home. it's because that person wants to talk to it's parents and share stuff and stuff and stuff, whatsoever. how nice. i seem to envy that kind of gesture. i don't know because i'm a pathetic stupid worthless person and wondering why i'm still here. in the first place why do i have to meet these kind of people? why did HE let me meet these kind of people. it's just dragging me down and making me feel bad. they are good and nice people, but it makes me feel so sad, bad, confused and even brings me down. i totally dragging myself down. it's stressing me out. i sometimes feel so insecure which i'm not. i was shocked when i felt insecure because i've never been insecure til now. tapos, sasabihin ko na sa tagalog, bakit ginagaya ko lahat ng mga bagay na ginagawa nya? hello napaka walang originality ko naman ata. at parang ako yung greatest fan at sya ang idol ko. ang pangit man! super pangit. nakakahiya talaga ican''t take this anymore. hindi naman ako ganito dati. marami na akong nakilalang taong katulad nya pero ngayon ko lang na-experience ito. shuckers! i'm pretty scared of myself. now i'm discovering, or beginning to discover my new FEAR. please, i don't wanna know that fear because definitely it will drag me down even worse, worse than worse.
i want to cry, freak out and scream out loud, cry out loud, go crazy and smash something. please make it stop. i'm begging you. that's the least you can do. i'm crying now because i really can't take this anymore. i'm really crying now......i don't know if it'll make me feel better, but please, please one more wish for me, make me go back from what i was. i'm looking forward for it.
posted by ly at 1:23 PM
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