as the expression goes.......
another day, another life, another suffering.....good morning! it's 5:30 am and i'm just getting prepared. i was able to relax somehow but then, a lot of things toconsider. first, good news, my sister received a call from an irish employer. well, my sister is going to ireland to work and fulfill her dreams. anyway, good thing that i have ferdie on my side. mwahahahahaha! i really appreciate this guy. at least hes' there to always accompany me. by the way, i received a message from that person. another quote another instance of nothingmess. i don't like to receive messages like that. it does not mean a thing at all. it's a joke and i don't feel like it's sincere and all. so i did mind messaging that person, basically, because i'm sleeping that moment. i just hate it when it happeneds. i'm not expecting for it anymore and yet i keep on getting messages, or it keeps coming back. '
well i can't really decide whether to meet panther or not tomorrow. i'm pretty scared and shy about what's going to happen. i know it's not a typical way of living my life. it'll be so much and too much diversed. i don't know whether if mom would even allow me. i really don't have any idea or clue if i want to. i'm thinking twice. it's a good thing to meet new people but it's not the usual meeting. that person is old enough and i'm aware. that person works in the justice and i believe he's smart and stuff and has a lot of experiences in life. please lord help me and show me signs for me not to go. well i really wanted a change but not like this change. i'm so scared to be humiliated and get rejected because i look terrible and i'm not too attractive. i don't have any experiences but based on the things i read, people are choosy and i definitely know what they want. i admit that i can't give things that they want. it'll be flattering if they like me, but i'm not sure yet about that. o well, life is ever so strange. i'm dowwn on my hands and knees shout on to the heavens on hig, give me a sign for me to identify to meet panther or not. thank you!
i just heard ferdie will be transferred in night shift next week. too bad and yet so sad that we really need to part ways again. everything is getting out of place. i'm left behind. **sigh** o well there's nothing i can do about things like this. well, if this is my destiny, i just have to let it go through. at least somehow, i know whitin myself that i've helped them and i've made them feel that they are important and i value and treasure them, their friendship. i hope things will not change and that things will be the same as we have been since the first time we've met and spent time together. i actually envy them, because at least they can manage to live their lives even without me. they can actually continue with their life. unlike me, i'm really emotional and sensitive with what's happening. i can't barely breathe, sleep and think straight because i'm missing them. that's the problem with being nostalgic and a tearjerker. how i wish i could snap out of being like this.
yesterday i've managed to download mp3s and updated my friendster profile and photos. i've uploaded new photos and so bad i was able to check that persons profile. i hate it and made me feel so bad when i saw that person's profile and pictures. darn it. why is it that, that person is always on my mind. i can't snap out of being so attached with them. they don't seem to care at all anyway. i really hate them for that. but i keep on hoping for some possible things that could happen. when i'm alone, they are inside my head. it's really dragging me down all the way down, like i'm six feet under. or more than that. i did not dream to live my life underground. i did not dream to let anyone drag me down. i only dreamed for them to make me special or feel special and important and being treasured and valued. but i guess they just doin't care at all. argh!
i had put a new name on mt friendster. it is LYro. a new name for me. i like to change names to get away from some pathetic craps. anyway i'm so mislead by all these emotions that i have. it's killing me now. i wonder what else can i do. what will be the other things that would make me satisfied and happy all throughout the day. i'm burnt out. now i'm wondering what i will do after work. i don't know if i should be happy for the moment or enjoy or i just have to die. what do you think? if only someone would just kill me now, as in, now, at this very moment so i can rest in peace. **sigh** i'm so pathetic, i'm so irritated and i'm really getting annoyed. i find myself annoying. make it stop! i hope that person could read all of my journal, and for that person to know what i'm feeling and how i'm feeling and how that person made me feel with the actions that person is just doing. that person does not even have a clue about my life. now i keep getting messages from that person through my phone. i'm ignoring it because i believe that person just felt the guilt when ferdie messaged that person yesterday. well i don't want to force people. i want them to realize the things on their own. man, i hate it when that happeneds. it's so frustrating and devastating for me. o well, life's a bitch! you go with your life and i'll go with my own freaking, pathetic, worthless, stubborn, crappy life. wishing you all the best, wishing you luck, happiness and satisfaction. hope you could see things much clearly now. coz i'm starting to see it now. i think the reason why i'm feeling this way is because they left me hanging here. as what i kept saying, if you don't like me, say it to my face. i admit that i will be mad, feel mad and bad and sad but it's ok. there's nothing i can do with facts. there's no way for me to manipulate the fact. i respect and trust every people, i know. i don't have any doubts at what people are capable of. as long as i have the proof, that's enough to tell me this is not a trustworthy person. i can give my trust to anyone but it's hard for me to trust anyone if they have the reason for me not to. I am a kind of person that would do anything just for anyone, especially to a friend. even if it degrades my being. that's how attached and oriented i am when it comes to friends. people won't realize that. as long as they are gaining something from you, they won't mind the kindness and greatfullness of that person but just see and focus more with the satisfaction you have provided them with, to motivate and encourage them. i know and i'm aware that i should not expect others to be like me. but i do believe with ethics and initiative. well basically, the reason behind these all, is their ego. those bastards. those back stabbing bastards. they're not helping you know. eventhough i'm feeling this way, there's no way form e to blame HIM. i do believe that everything that is happening is a trial and has it's purpose. it's just that i don't exactly know what it'll be. i still believe that i'll be able to search for my solace. it's somewhere out there, i know it's there, waiting for me. please wait for me........
i just checked my email from excite and read my horoscope. here goes.....
"A very close friend or a member of your current peer group -- who means a great deal to you -- has recently found it necessary to go out of their way to tick you off. At least, that's the way it seems. It's worked, too -- better than it should have. You're not just angry, you're furious. Before you let go and let them have it, be sure you're right. Feeling righteous is far better than feeling guilty."
I do believe in this statement and i know it's really happening. i've tried to read that person's horoscoope and somehow it is intertwinde. too bad, that aquarians have to be pathetic all the time. o well that's life anyway, as the expression goes.
o well the day is almost over nad tomorrow will be my last day and i'll be spending my day off again. for now, i haven't decided yet whether i should meet panther. well i'll just ask permission first from my mom and whatever the decion will be, bahala na si batman, let me just leave it to the hands of batman.
well i can't really decide whether to meet panther or not tomorrow. i'm pretty scared and shy about what's going to happen. i know it's not a typical way of living my life. it'll be so much and too much diversed. i don't know whether if mom would even allow me. i really don't have any idea or clue if i want to. i'm thinking twice. it's a good thing to meet new people but it's not the usual meeting. that person is old enough and i'm aware. that person works in the justice and i believe he's smart and stuff and has a lot of experiences in life. please lord help me and show me signs for me not to go. well i really wanted a change but not like this change. i'm so scared to be humiliated and get rejected because i look terrible and i'm not too attractive. i don't have any experiences but based on the things i read, people are choosy and i definitely know what they want. i admit that i can't give things that they want. it'll be flattering if they like me, but i'm not sure yet about that. o well, life is ever so strange. i'm dowwn on my hands and knees shout on to the heavens on hig, give me a sign for me to identify to meet panther or not. thank you!
i just heard ferdie will be transferred in night shift next week. too bad and yet so sad that we really need to part ways again. everything is getting out of place. i'm left behind. **sigh** o well there's nothing i can do about things like this. well, if this is my destiny, i just have to let it go through. at least somehow, i know whitin myself that i've helped them and i've made them feel that they are important and i value and treasure them, their friendship. i hope things will not change and that things will be the same as we have been since the first time we've met and spent time together. i actually envy them, because at least they can manage to live their lives even without me. they can actually continue with their life. unlike me, i'm really emotional and sensitive with what's happening. i can't barely breathe, sleep and think straight because i'm missing them. that's the problem with being nostalgic and a tearjerker. how i wish i could snap out of being like this.
yesterday i've managed to download mp3s and updated my friendster profile and photos. i've uploaded new photos and so bad i was able to check that persons profile. i hate it and made me feel so bad when i saw that person's profile and pictures. darn it. why is it that, that person is always on my mind. i can't snap out of being so attached with them. they don't seem to care at all anyway. i really hate them for that. but i keep on hoping for some possible things that could happen. when i'm alone, they are inside my head. it's really dragging me down all the way down, like i'm six feet under. or more than that. i did not dream to live my life underground. i did not dream to let anyone drag me down. i only dreamed for them to make me special or feel special and important and being treasured and valued. but i guess they just doin't care at all. argh!
i had put a new name on mt friendster. it is LYro. a new name for me. i like to change names to get away from some pathetic craps. anyway i'm so mislead by all these emotions that i have. it's killing me now. i wonder what else can i do. what will be the other things that would make me satisfied and happy all throughout the day. i'm burnt out. now i'm wondering what i will do after work. i don't know if i should be happy for the moment or enjoy or i just have to die. what do you think? if only someone would just kill me now, as in, now, at this very moment so i can rest in peace. **sigh** i'm so pathetic, i'm so irritated and i'm really getting annoyed. i find myself annoying. make it stop! i hope that person could read all of my journal, and for that person to know what i'm feeling and how i'm feeling and how that person made me feel with the actions that person is just doing. that person does not even have a clue about my life. now i keep getting messages from that person through my phone. i'm ignoring it because i believe that person just felt the guilt when ferdie messaged that person yesterday. well i don't want to force people. i want them to realize the things on their own. man, i hate it when that happeneds. it's so frustrating and devastating for me. o well, life's a bitch! you go with your life and i'll go with my own freaking, pathetic, worthless, stubborn, crappy life. wishing you all the best, wishing you luck, happiness and satisfaction. hope you could see things much clearly now. coz i'm starting to see it now. i think the reason why i'm feeling this way is because they left me hanging here. as what i kept saying, if you don't like me, say it to my face. i admit that i will be mad, feel mad and bad and sad but it's ok. there's nothing i can do with facts. there's no way for me to manipulate the fact. i respect and trust every people, i know. i don't have any doubts at what people are capable of. as long as i have the proof, that's enough to tell me this is not a trustworthy person. i can give my trust to anyone but it's hard for me to trust anyone if they have the reason for me not to. I am a kind of person that would do anything just for anyone, especially to a friend. even if it degrades my being. that's how attached and oriented i am when it comes to friends. people won't realize that. as long as they are gaining something from you, they won't mind the kindness and greatfullness of that person but just see and focus more with the satisfaction you have provided them with, to motivate and encourage them. i know and i'm aware that i should not expect others to be like me. but i do believe with ethics and initiative. well basically, the reason behind these all, is their ego. those bastards. those back stabbing bastards. they're not helping you know. eventhough i'm feeling this way, there's no way form e to blame HIM. i do believe that everything that is happening is a trial and has it's purpose. it's just that i don't exactly know what it'll be. i still believe that i'll be able to search for my solace. it's somewhere out there, i know it's there, waiting for me. please wait for me........
i just checked my email from excite and read my horoscope. here goes.....
"A very close friend or a member of your current peer group -- who means a great deal to you -- has recently found it necessary to go out of their way to tick you off. At least, that's the way it seems. It's worked, too -- better than it should have. You're not just angry, you're furious. Before you let go and let them have it, be sure you're right. Feeling righteous is far better than feeling guilty."
I do believe in this statement and i know it's really happening. i've tried to read that person's horoscoope and somehow it is intertwinde. too bad, that aquarians have to be pathetic all the time. o well that's life anyway, as the expression goes.
o well the day is almost over nad tomorrow will be my last day and i'll be spending my day off again. for now, i haven't decided yet whether i should meet panther. well i'll just ask permission first from my mom and whatever the decion will be, bahala na si batman, let me just leave it to the hands of batman.
posted by ly at 1:16 PM
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