Windang na windang
good morning, it's 5:34 am and i'm already setup my pc. ok so what now. basically, ferdie and i, again, went home together and we stopped by in a near by food stall to eat tukneneng. He asked me if i want some and so i said, no thanks. he alone eat tukneneng and i snap out of begging to eat. well basically, it's because it's too much for me, that everyday i should always ask and beg, not literally, but you know share his food. by the way i'm not really hungry and that being with a friend makes me and i feel full. d'ya know what i mean? whatsoever. when i came home, i was pissed because my mom has to ask favor and let me do chores, which pisses me off, because i just arrived and i'm tred and i wanted to sleep to clear my mind with these bugging things that roams in my head. i can't even think straight and i'm so bothered about certain things, same shits. it really haunts me. i hate that. i thought i got over it and yet it's still roaming inside my embicile, worthless, pathetic mind. This crap never ended. it has never ended. i'm really darned pissed off. I want to die. i'm sick and tired of this thoughts that creeps in my mind. confused, bothered and terrified. i can't even stop thinking about it. I always feel like i'm not being treasured or valued and important. the reason also why this happeneds is because i'm so very way too darn sensitive, which falls me to pieces. if only i could find myself the way i was before. it's so unbelievable that now i have thiese feelings. make it stop, please. Everytime I tried to do stuff to forget those people, it still tries to haunt me. every special and precious moments that's going on, stays in my head and makes me feel pathetic and so darn frustrated and devastated. if only i could be a hundred percent apathetic.
i can't hardly imagine, any changes that could possibly happen to me. i'm trying to, but same things keeps happening. i just realized that whatever effort i try to make a change the original thing floats and haunts me down. it's making me sick. well i had a coaching session with my tl and discussed about my QA and AHT. then the progress report that i made. it suck and it embarrasses me all the way down. my good ness too bad and yet so sad. i feel like it's going to be difficult for me to do such task. i really hate it. i need to improve more. i thought it'll be something good and stuff but yet not. while i was having a coaching session with tl, ron came around and listened and i feel so embarrassed about the things discussed to me and also when i do the explaining part. after the coaching session i thought ron will invite me to grab a smoke but not. somebody messaged him and i don't know what's it all about. i'm vaguely pissed off. i'm disoriented today, my mind is. i really hate it. hindi ko maintindihan bakit ganito ang nararamdaman ko today. it's making me darn sick and tired. ano ba? naiinis na ako. nabwibwisit na ako. ano ba naman tong mga bagay na pumapasok sa utak ko. yung nararamdaman ko e nakakainis. hindi ko naman dapat pansinin pero pilit itong nagpaparamdaman. sawang-sawa na ako. punyetang buhay ito..... fed up na talaga ako sa buhay ko. kung pwede bang mamatay na lang. it's so tiring and confusing. hindi ko na alam talaga ang gagawin ko sa buhay ko. please naman o, make this or these things go away. lagi na lang akong ganito. hindi ko na lam kung anong gagawin ko. kasi naman pumunta-punta pa sya tapos wala rin lang naman. ano ba ang gusto nilang mangyari? sawang sawa na ako. nalulungkot nanaman ako. tanginang buhay ito. tanginang damdamin 'to. if only these people could hear me out loud about myself and what i'm feeling, siguro maiintindihan nila. basiclly hindi naman nila ito mlalaman kasi loser ko. hindi ako mapakali. hindi ako makaisip ng diretso and stuff. it's so pathetic. bakit ba lagi ko nalang naiisip yung taong yun. bakit sya pa ang naiiisip ko. lahat ng oras sya ng sya ang nandun sa utak ko. nakakainis. hindi naman ako insecure pero i'm feeling it now. nakakainis, for crying out loud. i'm annoyed and pissed and now frustrated and devastated about things that's happening to me. ayaw ko na nang ganitong thinking. ayaw ko nang mag-isip at kung pwede lang patay nyo na ako please lang. this is so pathetic. ano ba ang gusto ninyo mangyari sa akin? sige nga sabihin mo sa akin? ang kinakatakot ko rin e maghiwalay-hiwalay. bakit di mo ba ako bigyan ng magandang thinking at interests. kasi naiinis na ako. hindi ko lubusang maisip bakit ganito ako. argh! this is shity. this darn shity and annoying and depressing. ano kaya inom ako ulit ng isang katutak na gammot? hmmmmmm.... gusto ko mamaya pag-uwi ko, bigla na lang ako mamatay at matutulog ako para wala nan akong maisip. kasi naman e, gusto ko kasi ng assurance. assurance lang is hat too much to ask. hey you! can you hear me? do you hear me? i'm barely screaming out loud what i want and i want you to show to me your assurance so i can be happy, so i don't or i won't be restless anymore. i'm so restless.
ok i have decided to find my solace for today and to find the medium to forget about it. now, when i received the call. and after that call, i felt light and happy and i was able to feel good. i'm down on my hands and knees shout on to the heavens on high, i'll never ever going to make friends no more. i would just focus more with myself. i would bring back the days where i am alone, and everybody hates me. all i can think of is what to do for the day. i still remember that feeling. i was able to manage not thinking of anyone and just being myself and having myself as a friend. i missed that feeling and i will try to bring that back. as what i'm telling you i'm sensitive, nostalgic, tearjerker and pathetic. i don't care what ever shit other people say about me, as long as i'm enjoying myself, my old darn crappy pathetic worthless self, that's fine. it will be fine and nothing to worry. now i will try to be stronger. i will try to be something and someone good. i will never ever going to worry about anyone else. i will refrain myself from thinking about those people. it's a waste of time, it makes me restless, it makes me sad. it disturbs me and bothers me a lot. i can never be perfect but as long as i can do whatever i wanted, then i can say that i'm perfect.
i do have a lot of questiones in my head. complaints, queries and confusions. i was wondering if i am important to them? am i important? what's my pourpose, specifically in this world.
1. is it correct that my purpose is having no purpose? ?
2. Is it that my purposse is just to show people that i do care for them and i cvalue them and i treasure them?
3. to be rejected, ignored and abhored?
now i am confused? abandonement.....ok someone told me about it. i don't wanna go in details but i rest assured someone that i won't ever abandon that person and it's a guarantee. i even messaged that person that whatever happenes i will be there for him and i will be alway on that persons side. that person said that that person was touched and crap.
with what i said. so when he actually say that, i felt good and it made my day ok and it made me and gave me a good nice sleep. then now i don't feel that, that person is thankful that i'm here and stuff. yeah, i know we alll have our own freaking lives. just let them llive their lives. i know that. i just hate it when you see that person, having fun on his own and stuff. shit i really hate this feeling. i'm so sensitive and i hate it. i'm not like this before. i'm wondering why, now, i'm feeling it all the way. it's dragging me downa nd makes me sick and tired. i can't take this anymore and i'm almost pretty sure, that i will have to kill myself. i will commit suicide. i'm so weak and tired and sickened of this whole pathetic, tearjerker, nostalgic life. shit! this is no good. please help me, somebody kill me please. i'm on my knees pretty,pretty please, kill me i want to die. why am i so sensitive? can you please tell me? why am i not like others. they don't care about stuff. they don't care about people and stuff. i wanted to know if i can be just like that. if i can be like that, i would od anything just to live one day in their shoes. ako kasi pag nabilib ako sa isang tao, ginagaya ko na lahat ng ginagawa nya, pero in a subtle way. tapos i'm always thinknig about what that person is doing now and how that person is and stuff. that's why i message them and stuff because i'm craving for their presence and the good times spent together. i really hate myself. i hate it like i could kill myself. this is not a healthy emotion. this is not a usual emotion that people has. why is it so hard for me to be just me. i was not like this before and yet now i'm being like that. so you're saying that i am what i am feeling now. garsh this is so too damn stupid and crappy. this is bullshit. i know i'm not making sense anymore in what i'm writning here. it's all because i'm freaking out inside, i'm screaming and crying out loud inside. i cannot organize myself. my thinkings and thoughts. i'm disoriented because of them. they're suckers and they're so inconsiderate. i know i'm not the best man or best person for them but they are for me. i'm showing kindness and stuff and yet it's like thay don't appreciate it . they con't even care. i feel like i'm just being use. you know whwat i want to happen? i hope that one of them would tell something bad about me or they're straight forward to me that they feel horrible when i'm with them. that would be nice so ic an make a move to avoid them. so i can go back from where i started, originally. iw ould stop this change and stuff but i will really have a major change. mwahahahahaha! once that happened everything's gonna be fine. won't have to experience this shits no more. so i can live my life, normally.
i just realized that i don't beloong here. idiomatically sayoing. i don't really freaking belong here. these feelings, thoughts and tears that i ched, is not worth it. if only they could read this blog, I want to make it stop so i can breathe. if i just breathe everythings gonna be fine and comfy. if you don't show me or even let me feel that i'm important to you people, well it's better that we're off. i don't wanna show or waste my time and effort of building this stuppid rapport and shit. it's just making me sick and it's making me restless. i can't even sleep, i can't even speak. people at home find me crazy and insane, because i talk to myself and i do gestures that crazy people do or mentally illed people. i really hope that i got out of my head. i got crazy so i won't be aware of anything of these no more. mwahahahahaha! if only i could admit myself to a mental hospital so i can live my life. i just don't understand why i am feeling this way. i know i'm redundant with what i'm saying but i really wanted to release all this pain that i'm feeling inside. i can't share it to anyone because i'm a bit scared and stuff. paranoid as what i can say. then suddenly i just realized to read the email. then suddenly i just realized, why am i reading all the emails from that person? garsh too bad. i'm so pathetic. i'm a loser. loser! for crying out loud! argggggggggggggghhhhhhh!!!!
i want to break free, break away, find my solace, breakdown, go away, freak out and divulge to freeform. that's what i want. promoise. well i took my lunch with fredie and told him about what i feel about bening pissed off. well told him that i'm pissed off because of the camaraderie of fish and her. it's a part of that. but not necessarily it. i was not able to tell him the full detail or the whole detail about it. i've mentioned about that person when i had a coaching session with tl. ok fine then changed the topic. i have no strongness to tell him what it really is, i find it odd and uncomfortable.
going oin i'm trying my best to make my day wonderful and cool. the problem is while i'm on the way to go home. i tend to think of stupid crappy pathetic stuff about me. i hate it. so i was thinking if it is possible for me to pursue thinking about nice things and stuff. that would be cool and kind. if ever i had managed to make those thoughts go away from my mind, then it'll be highly appreciated. i want to forget about that person, the companionship and stuff. it's so darn pathetic, such a tearjerker here. if i hadn't met them, most probably i won't have this long crappy stupid blog about that shit. originally i myself have this person and we're always together spending so much laughter and rapport. then this thing came along and so things gone complicated than i ever thought. so much to say, so much to utter, but i just want to go and just leave these thoughts away. i managed to forget lee, since i just met him about a week. i'm not worried no more. na-uh! i hope i will manage to do the same now. please.... i thought i had manage to forget it but it's coming back, haunts me and makes me ill. i wanted to stick to my own darn self and concentrate with my hobbies and the original hubub in my life. they suck. they don't show it. gusto ko kkasi kung friendship yung pangmatagalan, parang motolite. ayaw ko ng ganito na kasi parehas kayo ng ados and stuff, pag nawala na hanggang dun na lang. gusto ko yung tipong, "i'll go wherever you will go". with the explanation i had posted yesterday nan dun na yung ibig kong sabihin so di ko na uulitin. it'll just make my blog long that anyone who would see it would get frustrated reading it. anyway i'm not expecting anyone to read this crappy, worthless, pathetic, senseless blog. thankfully hindi nya alam kung ano ang blog site ko and no one knows talaga kung ano blog site ko, mwahahahahahaha. belat. siguro papabasa ko na lang ito sa kanila pag nasa araw na ako ng kamatayan. para naman maganda, suspense. mwahahahaha. i just realized that i'm not making sense at all....
anyway, moving on, before fish went home, he called my name just to say goodbye. of course i did acknowledge him just to let him know and feel that i'm not humiliating him and it's not being pretentious, it's being professional. coz me, myself does not wnat to humiliate anyone, unless they deserve it. so i saluted at him just for the acknowledgement and stuff. well, basically i find his gesture pretentious. i've been there before. if i don't like the person or if i feel bad about the person, i don't talk to him/her at all. even say goodbyes and stuff. not my thing unless he/she initiates that then i will really acknowledge him/her. i'm pretty much pissed off with what's going on. i want to end it all and i want to end my life right now. why can't i die. what specifically is my purpose here? can you just give me an idea so i can understand my presence here thoroughly. to understand why i'm still alive.
i'm even wondering if ever the canada thing will come. i really would like to travel away from my family so i could search for my solcae there and also so i could be independent.
so much blabbering and shit. see you tomorrow.
i can't hardly imagine, any changes that could possibly happen to me. i'm trying to, but same things keeps happening. i just realized that whatever effort i try to make a change the original thing floats and haunts me down. it's making me sick. well i had a coaching session with my tl and discussed about my QA and AHT. then the progress report that i made. it suck and it embarrasses me all the way down. my good ness too bad and yet so sad. i feel like it's going to be difficult for me to do such task. i really hate it. i need to improve more. i thought it'll be something good and stuff but yet not. while i was having a coaching session with tl, ron came around and listened and i feel so embarrassed about the things discussed to me and also when i do the explaining part. after the coaching session i thought ron will invite me to grab a smoke but not. somebody messaged him and i don't know what's it all about. i'm vaguely pissed off. i'm disoriented today, my mind is. i really hate it. hindi ko maintindihan bakit ganito ang nararamdaman ko today. it's making me darn sick and tired. ano ba? naiinis na ako. nabwibwisit na ako. ano ba naman tong mga bagay na pumapasok sa utak ko. yung nararamdaman ko e nakakainis. hindi ko naman dapat pansinin pero pilit itong nagpaparamdaman. sawang-sawa na ako. punyetang buhay ito..... fed up na talaga ako sa buhay ko. kung pwede bang mamatay na lang. it's so tiring and confusing. hindi ko na alam talaga ang gagawin ko sa buhay ko. please naman o, make this or these things go away. lagi na lang akong ganito. hindi ko na lam kung anong gagawin ko. kasi naman pumunta-punta pa sya tapos wala rin lang naman. ano ba ang gusto nilang mangyari? sawang sawa na ako. nalulungkot nanaman ako. tanginang buhay ito. tanginang damdamin 'to. if only these people could hear me out loud about myself and what i'm feeling, siguro maiintindihan nila. basiclly hindi naman nila ito mlalaman kasi loser ko. hindi ako mapakali. hindi ako makaisip ng diretso and stuff. it's so pathetic. bakit ba lagi ko nalang naiisip yung taong yun. bakit sya pa ang naiiisip ko. lahat ng oras sya ng sya ang nandun sa utak ko. nakakainis. hindi naman ako insecure pero i'm feeling it now. nakakainis, for crying out loud. i'm annoyed and pissed and now frustrated and devastated about things that's happening to me. ayaw ko na nang ganitong thinking. ayaw ko nang mag-isip at kung pwede lang patay nyo na ako please lang. this is so pathetic. ano ba ang gusto ninyo mangyari sa akin? sige nga sabihin mo sa akin? ang kinakatakot ko rin e maghiwalay-hiwalay. bakit di mo ba ako bigyan ng magandang thinking at interests. kasi naiinis na ako. hindi ko lubusang maisip bakit ganito ako. argh! this is shity. this darn shity and annoying and depressing. ano kaya inom ako ulit ng isang katutak na gammot? hmmmmmm.... gusto ko mamaya pag-uwi ko, bigla na lang ako mamatay at matutulog ako para wala nan akong maisip. kasi naman e, gusto ko kasi ng assurance. assurance lang is hat too much to ask. hey you! can you hear me? do you hear me? i'm barely screaming out loud what i want and i want you to show to me your assurance so i can be happy, so i don't or i won't be restless anymore. i'm so restless.
ok i have decided to find my solace for today and to find the medium to forget about it. now, when i received the call. and after that call, i felt light and happy and i was able to feel good. i'm down on my hands and knees shout on to the heavens on high, i'll never ever going to make friends no more. i would just focus more with myself. i would bring back the days where i am alone, and everybody hates me. all i can think of is what to do for the day. i still remember that feeling. i was able to manage not thinking of anyone and just being myself and having myself as a friend. i missed that feeling and i will try to bring that back. as what i'm telling you i'm sensitive, nostalgic, tearjerker and pathetic. i don't care what ever shit other people say about me, as long as i'm enjoying myself, my old darn crappy pathetic worthless self, that's fine. it will be fine and nothing to worry. now i will try to be stronger. i will try to be something and someone good. i will never ever going to worry about anyone else. i will refrain myself from thinking about those people. it's a waste of time, it makes me restless, it makes me sad. it disturbs me and bothers me a lot. i can never be perfect but as long as i can do whatever i wanted, then i can say that i'm perfect.
i do have a lot of questiones in my head. complaints, queries and confusions. i was wondering if i am important to them? am i important? what's my pourpose, specifically in this world.
1. is it correct that my purpose is having no purpose? ?
2. Is it that my purposse is just to show people that i do care for them and i cvalue them and i treasure them?
3. to be rejected, ignored and abhored?
now i am confused? abandonement.....ok someone told me about it. i don't wanna go in details but i rest assured someone that i won't ever abandon that person and it's a guarantee. i even messaged that person that whatever happenes i will be there for him and i will be alway on that persons side. that person said that that person was touched and crap.
with what i said. so when he actually say that, i felt good and it made my day ok and it made me and gave me a good nice sleep. then now i don't feel that, that person is thankful that i'm here and stuff. yeah, i know we alll have our own freaking lives. just let them llive their lives. i know that. i just hate it when you see that person, having fun on his own and stuff. shit i really hate this feeling. i'm so sensitive and i hate it. i'm not like this before. i'm wondering why, now, i'm feeling it all the way. it's dragging me downa nd makes me sick and tired. i can't take this anymore and i'm almost pretty sure, that i will have to kill myself. i will commit suicide. i'm so weak and tired and sickened of this whole pathetic, tearjerker, nostalgic life. shit! this is no good. please help me, somebody kill me please. i'm on my knees pretty,pretty please, kill me i want to die. why am i so sensitive? can you please tell me? why am i not like others. they don't care about stuff. they don't care about people and stuff. i wanted to know if i can be just like that. if i can be like that, i would od anything just to live one day in their shoes. ako kasi pag nabilib ako sa isang tao, ginagaya ko na lahat ng ginagawa nya, pero in a subtle way. tapos i'm always thinknig about what that person is doing now and how that person is and stuff. that's why i message them and stuff because i'm craving for their presence and the good times spent together. i really hate myself. i hate it like i could kill myself. this is not a healthy emotion. this is not a usual emotion that people has. why is it so hard for me to be just me. i was not like this before and yet now i'm being like that. so you're saying that i am what i am feeling now. garsh this is so too damn stupid and crappy. this is bullshit. i know i'm not making sense anymore in what i'm writning here. it's all because i'm freaking out inside, i'm screaming and crying out loud inside. i cannot organize myself. my thinkings and thoughts. i'm disoriented because of them. they're suckers and they're so inconsiderate. i know i'm not the best man or best person for them but they are for me. i'm showing kindness and stuff and yet it's like thay don't appreciate it . they con't even care. i feel like i'm just being use. you know whwat i want to happen? i hope that one of them would tell something bad about me or they're straight forward to me that they feel horrible when i'm with them. that would be nice so ic an make a move to avoid them. so i can go back from where i started, originally. iw ould stop this change and stuff but i will really have a major change. mwahahahahaha! once that happened everything's gonna be fine. won't have to experience this shits no more. so i can live my life, normally.
i just realized that i don't beloong here. idiomatically sayoing. i don't really freaking belong here. these feelings, thoughts and tears that i ched, is not worth it. if only they could read this blog, I want to make it stop so i can breathe. if i just breathe everythings gonna be fine and comfy. if you don't show me or even let me feel that i'm important to you people, well it's better that we're off. i don't wanna show or waste my time and effort of building this stuppid rapport and shit. it's just making me sick and it's making me restless. i can't even sleep, i can't even speak. people at home find me crazy and insane, because i talk to myself and i do gestures that crazy people do or mentally illed people. i really hope that i got out of my head. i got crazy so i won't be aware of anything of these no more. mwahahahahaha! if only i could admit myself to a mental hospital so i can live my life. i just don't understand why i am feeling this way. i know i'm redundant with what i'm saying but i really wanted to release all this pain that i'm feeling inside. i can't share it to anyone because i'm a bit scared and stuff. paranoid as what i can say. then suddenly i just realized to read the email. then suddenly i just realized, why am i reading all the emails from that person? garsh too bad. i'm so pathetic. i'm a loser. loser! for crying out loud! argggggggggggggghhhhhhh!!!!
i want to break free, break away, find my solace, breakdown, go away, freak out and divulge to freeform. that's what i want. promoise. well i took my lunch with fredie and told him about what i feel about bening pissed off. well told him that i'm pissed off because of the camaraderie of fish and her. it's a part of that. but not necessarily it. i was not able to tell him the full detail or the whole detail about it. i've mentioned about that person when i had a coaching session with tl. ok fine then changed the topic. i have no strongness to tell him what it really is, i find it odd and uncomfortable.
going oin i'm trying my best to make my day wonderful and cool. the problem is while i'm on the way to go home. i tend to think of stupid crappy pathetic stuff about me. i hate it. so i was thinking if it is possible for me to pursue thinking about nice things and stuff. that would be cool and kind. if ever i had managed to make those thoughts go away from my mind, then it'll be highly appreciated. i want to forget about that person, the companionship and stuff. it's so darn pathetic, such a tearjerker here. if i hadn't met them, most probably i won't have this long crappy stupid blog about that shit. originally i myself have this person and we're always together spending so much laughter and rapport. then this thing came along and so things gone complicated than i ever thought. so much to say, so much to utter, but i just want to go and just leave these thoughts away. i managed to forget lee, since i just met him about a week. i'm not worried no more. na-uh! i hope i will manage to do the same now. please.... i thought i had manage to forget it but it's coming back, haunts me and makes me ill. i wanted to stick to my own darn self and concentrate with my hobbies and the original hubub in my life. they suck. they don't show it. gusto ko kkasi kung friendship yung pangmatagalan, parang motolite. ayaw ko ng ganito na kasi parehas kayo ng ados and stuff, pag nawala na hanggang dun na lang. gusto ko yung tipong, "i'll go wherever you will go". with the explanation i had posted yesterday nan dun na yung ibig kong sabihin so di ko na uulitin. it'll just make my blog long that anyone who would see it would get frustrated reading it. anyway i'm not expecting anyone to read this crappy, worthless, pathetic, senseless blog. thankfully hindi nya alam kung ano ang blog site ko and no one knows talaga kung ano blog site ko, mwahahahahahaha. belat. siguro papabasa ko na lang ito sa kanila pag nasa araw na ako ng kamatayan. para naman maganda, suspense. mwahahahaha. i just realized that i'm not making sense at all....
anyway, moving on, before fish went home, he called my name just to say goodbye. of course i did acknowledge him just to let him know and feel that i'm not humiliating him and it's not being pretentious, it's being professional. coz me, myself does not wnat to humiliate anyone, unless they deserve it. so i saluted at him just for the acknowledgement and stuff. well, basically i find his gesture pretentious. i've been there before. if i don't like the person or if i feel bad about the person, i don't talk to him/her at all. even say goodbyes and stuff. not my thing unless he/she initiates that then i will really acknowledge him/her. i'm pretty much pissed off with what's going on. i want to end it all and i want to end my life right now. why can't i die. what specifically is my purpose here? can you just give me an idea so i can understand my presence here thoroughly. to understand why i'm still alive.
i'm even wondering if ever the canada thing will come. i really would like to travel away from my family so i could search for my solcae there and also so i could be independent.
so much blabbering and shit. see you tomorrow.
posted by ly at 3:06 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home