downright

hi there, again. it's 5:27 am and i have managed to grab a smoke, and take a nap at our lounge. it felt good coz i was able to somehow, reflect and wonder about certain things. i was annoyed with some peopolle whoo are sleeping there. well, first of all, because they are so noisy. some just slammed the door without thinking that there are people who are actually sleeping. what a selfish bastard, isn't it? last night me and my sister had a fight. because of that stupid darn, computer. well we've said a lot of things that hurt each other. i have realized that i have changed a lot. it's an awful downright change. i'm pretty scared. i was sorry but i did not let them feel that i was sorry. anyway, i apologize for acting so brave and stubborn and downright arrogant. well i'm not proud of it because that's so bad. then while my mom was lecturing me about how i acted. i was not able to control myself so i banged the table becasue of my annoyance and satiety. too bad. so my mom got mad at me more. she asked me why did i do that. so i've managed to go in the bathroom and cry and freak out there, inside. i punched and banged the wall. then cried and cried and cried for more just to release all the bad energies inside of me. thankfully i was able to sleep well and when i woke up i felt like light but a bit queasy. anyway, i really want them to go away. i wanted to be independent, like i would have to think of my freaking self. i hope when she or my sister already is in Ireland, i hope she has an option to bring with her 2 people. so i would have to say, my mom and all of them. so i could be alone and happy and independent and free with all the decisions that i have in mind. i don't ever wanted to stay with them as long as i am breathing. not because i don't love them or something but it's because i wanted to find myself and search for my solace and of course my self.

you know what, just an interruption, my seatmate just arrived and i'm pretty darn so annoyed with him. so unethical, he keeps banging my chair so the tendency is to interrupt me. he does not even say sorry or what i'm saying is apologize. so arrogant and reckless. well one thing, good luck with your life. ..... earlier when i arrived here at work, tl noticed my hair and began to comment on my hair. she said that it's better for me to have a natural hair that using gel and some hair styling cosmetics. she said that i look like an f4. crap! i just laughed outside but on the inside i was pissed off. not being pretentious but of course it's an act of being professional. i'm not flattered with that.

i saw ferdie , he was doing some tasks which he dreamed of. he was able to bring the book that he was talking about. i'm so excited that i wanted to read it now. so i could start meditating and doing stuff that the book imposes. o well i wonder how it is and how will it be effective. hopefully it'll be pretty easy and stuff. by the way i just finished readng the ARTEMIS FOWL 3rd book, yesterday. it was fun actually and that i pretty much know now that it really has a 4th book with the flow of the story. i can't wait to read it. right now i am wondering how come i was so eager to read books. i am actually planning to read all dan brown's book which my sister has. pretty odd for me. i guess the prayers that i've asked was being given to me slowly or was answered, downright slowly. i appreciate it. what a pathetic bastard.

i am wishing for a new, extraordinary and successful change in my life. so i could breathe and live life pretty much, accordingly. i don't know but i do believe that's what i want. i am also wondering what could happen today. i hope everything's gonna be fine. how i wish.

is there anything new? is there anything interesting? i am starting to build a new satiety. i'm pretty much and downright satiate with wht's going on with my life now. i don't know if i have to happy, sad, mad, or just stay as what ia m. it's 5:54 am and i haven't think of something worth life living for. i don't know if ever i'll be happy or should i be worried when i come home. basically, i will be scolded and lectured with what just happened last night. i don't care, as long as they're gone, it'll be appreciated. i'm so selfish, dissatisfied and reckless. i am feeling it right now, while i am writing these craps in me. will i be able to see my future. do you think this is my future. i do believe that the future is what you have in hamds right now. i am pretty scared.

o well we have training, first aid. and it'll start at 8am to 5 pm and i have to stay here until 5 pm. darn it. but tomorrow and on thursday my shift will start at 8am. new schedule and pretty scared what will be the outcome of that.. i don't know if i should be happy or sad.

i suddenly realized that i can email precious using my email here at the office. goodness, gracious, how stu----pid! i emailed her the picture taken last feb 2. she actually messaged me and said that she missed me and how am i, i replied that i'm not ok at all. and i wanted to tell her everything. i guess it's about time to talk to her. i don't care whatever shit my parent and sisters are telling me about their impression with her. she's my friend. i find her good and nice. based on others perspective from her, is good and a friend to die for.

anyway got to go now, probably i'll see you on friday? i don't know. see you around anyway