stick it out to the bitter end
o well what a day. actuallly i had few bad things that just happened to me earlier. first when i'm about to leave the house, mom scolded me because of the discman. so i left the house with a bad face. then when i finally rode a tricycle, he did not gave me the right change. then when i rode the jeep, it suddenly stepped on the break having all the food of the lady spilled in the jeep and also before that happeneds the conductor hand me over my change improperly so it fell on the flooor. so i said to myself, what could possibly go wrong again? i hope everything willl be fine here at work. i hope i won't have to experience arrogant customers and bad feedback again from someone who i don't even know and which i don't even have any idea who it is. well i pray that later on when i come hoem, mom would allow me to go to rex's house, if she did not allow me, i'm going to freak out because it's unfair. basically she always allow my sisters to get out of the house all the time, and when it comes to me, she won't even allow me. i work hard and give all my money to her for the family and yet she won't allow me to do the things i wanted to do? that's not fair. i would have to tell her that.
i really would like to break free from this torments that i feel inside. i just can't manage to be happy and feel satisfied like others. i don't know why. i just can't find the cure for this and it's really dragging me down. eventhough i tried my very best, it still shows. i still can feel it. i am waiting for a call as of the moment and so far hopefully it's not queueing so i would be relaxed nad i won't feel so tired. it's my last day for this week and it's off again. horay! this is good.
well we had a short meeting and discussed several updates and some craps from fish. anyway i took my break after and went to ferdie's station. well he told me that ron passed by and asked him why am i not talking to ron even noticing him or greeting him and stuff. well basically, you know the answer and i'm not into that person anymore and i have gotten over that person. well i don't really care if he would not do the same. i won't care at all. i've already placed him behind me, sorry. just what i keep saying, i can get into someone so deeply but if you give me a reason not to, i can easily forget you and put you behind me so i can move on. that's me. i always thought that i could never get over anyone that i really care, but eventually i can. sorry to say this but that's the fact and that's what i'm feeling right now. well good luck with him and hopefully he'll have a better life. honestly i appreciate that person but he had showed me something that made me act like this.
too bad, i just received a message from rex and he said that he will go somewhere this satruday and so my visit will be cancelled for this week. too bad, because i am pretty excited to go to his place again. o well right now, i feel so bad and pissed off because of that. o well i just have to think hard for me what to do this saturday. perhaps i would clean the house again and do whatever mom is asking for me to do. i amsick and tired of downloading songs and consult my computer for some updates and all. i just wanted to do other suff. a change per say. i don't know, i don't even have a freaking idea and i'm sick of it. it keeps reminding me of what ferdi have said earlier about that person's question about me why i don't even talk to him. well i don't know basically. i don't have anything to say or ask for him. i just hated of what he had become. and i'm really setting myself away from that person so i can live my life. i don't want to arrive again to the feeling that i had before because it really sucks and it uneases me. i don't want that. hopefully this coming month i would be regularized and hopefully i don't have a qa evaluation until april 5 so i can be regularized or whatever. too bad that rex ha s to cancel my visit to him. i am sick and tired of staying home and doing same old irritating annoying tasks. i just can't stand it anymore.
earlier when i was in the smoking chamber, i come to think that everything was dad's fault . if it weren't for his egoistic, selfish, unreasonable chaotic doings then everything should have been just fine and joyful. i could have been living my life pretty good and i would have been rich and wealthy. but things are getting worse and things are not in order. everything is in disorder. i could have been a better person. because of him my life ended up unhappy and chaotic. i really blame him for that. he thanks me for what i am doing with his family but i'm not thankful about it, because it's not my obligation. at least when he was young like my age now, at least he had experienced a lot of things as a single person. at least he has to work for himself and it's his life to get married and raise a family, eventually it ended up nothing. leaving his children unhappy because we have to work just to survive the family and support one of our sister. which is his responsibility as a father. he's really selfish. when he got older, i will never, ever take care of him, i would take care of my mother instead. i would only take care of him once my mom told me so, but when you ask fo ar the initiative, no. i will never do that as my initiative.. i don't want to grow old having this kind of life because it's not right. i need to raise myself up for growth. the other reason why i can't mingle with others and can't find someone to be with for the rest of my life is because of the status that i currently have. i blame him of what i have become. i know i'm not his real son but it's not right for him to just leave his family alone. because of his selfishness and self-centeredness. he's a pain in the ass. i'm not proud of him at all. never. if he will say that he has plans for all of us, well why can't he lay his cards down and let him show that to us so he can set our expectations. not just doing it wihtout letting us know anything. it's like we're waiting for nothing. it sucks big time. for sure he does not like that feeling but why the hell is he letting us feel that? sounds senseless. o well, so much about him. i guess someday he would find the right reasons for all of these.
as of the moment i feel fine. i'm just dandy but worried. so far nothing seem so terrible. hopefully it will retain until 6am so i could come home just fine. whew, what a day! i'm about to take my break and looking forward to go home at 6am. i just took it and i'll be taking in calls again til 6am hopefully things will not be worse. ok so iguess i have said enough things today. i have managed to smile at anyone here in the team but now they're not and so i don't care. see you again on monday. ciao!
i really would like to break free from this torments that i feel inside. i just can't manage to be happy and feel satisfied like others. i don't know why. i just can't find the cure for this and it's really dragging me down. eventhough i tried my very best, it still shows. i still can feel it. i am waiting for a call as of the moment and so far hopefully it's not queueing so i would be relaxed nad i won't feel so tired. it's my last day for this week and it's off again. horay! this is good.
well we had a short meeting and discussed several updates and some craps from fish. anyway i took my break after and went to ferdie's station. well he told me that ron passed by and asked him why am i not talking to ron even noticing him or greeting him and stuff. well basically, you know the answer and i'm not into that person anymore and i have gotten over that person. well i don't really care if he would not do the same. i won't care at all. i've already placed him behind me, sorry. just what i keep saying, i can get into someone so deeply but if you give me a reason not to, i can easily forget you and put you behind me so i can move on. that's me. i always thought that i could never get over anyone that i really care, but eventually i can. sorry to say this but that's the fact and that's what i'm feeling right now. well good luck with him and hopefully he'll have a better life. honestly i appreciate that person but he had showed me something that made me act like this.
too bad, i just received a message from rex and he said that he will go somewhere this satruday and so my visit will be cancelled for this week. too bad, because i am pretty excited to go to his place again. o well right now, i feel so bad and pissed off because of that. o well i just have to think hard for me what to do this saturday. perhaps i would clean the house again and do whatever mom is asking for me to do. i amsick and tired of downloading songs and consult my computer for some updates and all. i just wanted to do other suff. a change per say. i don't know, i don't even have a freaking idea and i'm sick of it. it keeps reminding me of what ferdi have said earlier about that person's question about me why i don't even talk to him. well i don't know basically. i don't have anything to say or ask for him. i just hated of what he had become. and i'm really setting myself away from that person so i can live my life. i don't want to arrive again to the feeling that i had before because it really sucks and it uneases me. i don't want that. hopefully this coming month i would be regularized and hopefully i don't have a qa evaluation until april 5 so i can be regularized or whatever. too bad that rex ha s to cancel my visit to him. i am sick and tired of staying home and doing same old irritating annoying tasks. i just can't stand it anymore.
earlier when i was in the smoking chamber, i come to think that everything was dad's fault . if it weren't for his egoistic, selfish, unreasonable chaotic doings then everything should have been just fine and joyful. i could have been living my life pretty good and i would have been rich and wealthy. but things are getting worse and things are not in order. everything is in disorder. i could have been a better person. because of him my life ended up unhappy and chaotic. i really blame him for that. he thanks me for what i am doing with his family but i'm not thankful about it, because it's not my obligation. at least when he was young like my age now, at least he had experienced a lot of things as a single person. at least he has to work for himself and it's his life to get married and raise a family, eventually it ended up nothing. leaving his children unhappy because we have to work just to survive the family and support one of our sister. which is his responsibility as a father. he's really selfish. when he got older, i will never, ever take care of him, i would take care of my mother instead. i would only take care of him once my mom told me so, but when you ask fo ar the initiative, no. i will never do that as my initiative.. i don't want to grow old having this kind of life because it's not right. i need to raise myself up for growth. the other reason why i can't mingle with others and can't find someone to be with for the rest of my life is because of the status that i currently have. i blame him of what i have become. i know i'm not his real son but it's not right for him to just leave his family alone. because of his selfishness and self-centeredness. he's a pain in the ass. i'm not proud of him at all. never. if he will say that he has plans for all of us, well why can't he lay his cards down and let him show that to us so he can set our expectations. not just doing it wihtout letting us know anything. it's like we're waiting for nothing. it sucks big time. for sure he does not like that feeling but why the hell is he letting us feel that? sounds senseless. o well, so much about him. i guess someday he would find the right reasons for all of these.
as of the moment i feel fine. i'm just dandy but worried. so far nothing seem so terrible. hopefully it will retain until 6am so i could come home just fine. whew, what a day! i'm about to take my break and looking forward to go home at 6am. i just took it and i'll be taking in calls again til 6am hopefully things will not be worse. ok so iguess i have said enough things today. i have managed to smile at anyone here in the team but now they're not and so i don't care. see you again on monday. ciao!
posted by ly at 3:55 AM
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