cousin

well yesterday my cousin went to our house. she's asking a favor if i could accompany her to a bank to open an account. all along it was good, great and fun. well we talked about certain things like what had happened to our lives. the same old stories. then suddenly my cousin told me that she's pregnant. ok so i was shocked. so i was very shocked. i remember when they called mommy that she has a big problem and she'll go to our house. i was very mad and angry because they're gonna pass their responsibility to us for her sister. well i've realized that. because the real problem was she's pregnant. so i said they've really changed. i should not include them on my list where teresita and dexter is listed. we should be together, helping each other and shall not have any enviness.. well i'm really sorry for what i've said when i heard when they'll go there at home because of their big problem.

ok so after all the business that we had been yesterday. i told her to sleep at our house so she could rest and also so she would save money for her transportation since she's still going back to the bank to get her certification. there everything was said and done again. it was like a not so non stop conversation about our lives. about teresita and dexter, what they're up to and their humiliation when it comes to money. then they've decided to stay here in manila. so that her brothers and sisters will be guided somehow and also to save money . they've finally decided not in manila but in quezon city and a much near place at our house. so whatever her brothers and sisters are up to it'll be monitored.

well i told my cousin that it'll be a good idea. i also apologized to her about the painful things i've been telling her about her brothers and sisters. because i don't like what they're doing. they don't have any appreciation, care, thoughtfullness and mind of their own about the situation they're facing.to cut it short they don't have an idea what life is all about. i just really wanna fucking let them know that their sister is working hard for them all not just for her. they should be responsible enough to understand life's situations. especilaly now that the different family camps are having a conflict and has been very mean because of this darn money. like what teresita and dexter are up to. they think that life is all about money. it's actually what you're doing with others especially with your relatives even non-related families.

my cousins brothers and sisters don't realize these things. they thought that life is all about having fun, playing games and just a joke. well if ever that my cousin will really live near our house i'll never tolerate these people. i would even teach them a lesson about people's lives, what they should do.

thinking

i've been thinking today about certain things that could happen to me. either good or bad. of course hoping for the good things not bad things. anyways yesterday i was really craving for a new fast reliable computer. so i'm planning to make money in a righteous way. so i was thinking about saving my money. like i'll never have an absent for 10 months so i could have 10 gran so i'm planning not to buy anything from that 1000 gran that i get from my perfect attendance. right now i'm trying myself to become a good saver in termsd of money. whatever! well when and if i finally get to have a 10 gran then i'll buy a motherboard, processor and memory. so i could have a faster reliable computer. so that the computer that i'm using at home will be given to my sister which is studying nursing. ok that's fine.

well iwould really like to have a new computer so somehow i'm gonna make it alright. wishing for the best. i'm already working about a year and a half now so i hope that i could even buy things that i like personally. if you'll analyze. computer is not that much important or priority. i should have been saving money for security, health and stuff that is very important. well the reason why i come to think about doing this is because computer is the only friend that i can rely on to. not saying anything but it's the only thin that makes me happy, excited, and complete. somehow.

worried

well yesterday after arriving home i did not turn on the computer. that's something new. well around 4 or 5 i went to sleep. well because last 2 days i had my sleep too late.

i woke up around 2 to get ready to work. my sister woke up also. so i went and boil water for me to use to take a bath. my sister asked if that's what i'm doing because she's also gonna boil water. i told her that ok it's her i'll just boil for the second time for me.

well a while ago i had a good day, because of good sleep. i was pretty excited and jumpy, which i doubted. well based on the experiences that i had before, when i'm happy and thinking about no problems. it turns out that after work there' will be an issue regarding stuff that i did not worry about and that i thought i'm innocent with. so a while ago i'm worried about arriving home. well i might be scolded or even killed not literally, with something i did perhaps i wish i have an idea before it'll happen.

well i'm happy because one of my team mate brought the enclosure for the hdd. i already saved all the mp3s that i've downloaded for the past few days. exciting and yet still worried. i don't know i tend to think also the reason why i'm not getting fat because of the problems and worries i always think about. even if i have no problems i use to think that i have a problem. i'm fed up, exhausted, desserted, abhored and neglected. i wanna have something that will make me forget things that pisses me off. o well just hoping about good things to happen.

i wanted to cure myself from being paranoid. i don't know why i should feel this way. it's really frightening that i always think of things, to cut it short being paranoid. i wonder if there's a way for me to be normal. i don't think so i'm normal. mainly because i don't have close friends. nobody would bother to acompany me, to go near me for their reason that i'm their best buddy somehow and that they like me. also knows about a lot of things interesting for people like my age. i'm also thinking that maybe these could happen to me if i'm independent. so what i'm thinking is my family would go to america and stay there without me, permanently while i'm searching for my solace. yes i love them, if you would ask. it's just that i wanted to know where to begin my life.

i really envy them. if only life has an undo key to turn back time and also to change what i am now. well nothingsd gonna turn it back. but just to go on and just adjust.

o well another day has ended at work. tomorrow will be another day for me. hopefully everythings ok. hopefully.

theirs

ok well my mom went to our grandfather's house to have a massage there. my mom is sufferring with inflamation of her hands. her hands hurts everytime it gets cold and whenever she touches cold water and stuff. so there she had a massage. after work i went straight home. i did not notice that my mom is already at my grandfather's house having a massage.

at home my sisters are there. so i'm pretty excited with the computer and stuff. my sister told me that our cousin will be visiting us that day. so i already know what the fuck their going to ask. first they wanted her sister to stay here at home to be taken care by my mom. i told mom, no. whatever they say, no. i don't want to. our cousin has been a very, very mean, bad and pain in the ass bang hole.

ok so i went home and started to refill my cartridge with ink which kept leaking after refilling it the first time. i've refilled it again because the first time i refilled it run out. it kept leaking. so i refilled it with a little amount of ink and left it upside down to observe later if it'll leak again. hope not.

so my sisters office mate came to our house. had a chit chat and stuff. then there came our cousins, then my mom. so when i was with them it was a good feeling. i did not feel mad about what i thought was gonna happen. well everything's ok now. it was fun talking to them about our stupid aunts and uncles., ahem... i mean their aunts and uncles. these are TERESITA, DEXTER and EDGAR. these darn pain in the ass bitches. screw them all. right now, their having problems. which they could not handle. huh! that's what they get when they seem to quarrel with my mom doing nothing wrong. deep inside of them, they seem want to talk and ask advise to my mom for the desisyons and plans they need, which they actually do when no dillemma yet between them and my mom. so now, they could not ask advise from my mom because of their evil stupid pride. they can't think of anything good that's why they are nothing. just like EDGAR he's been collecting women for his whole life. everytime he meets another woman. it turns out that the woman is pregnant again, and again, and again. in total, he already have 8 or 9 children i guess with different mothers. what can i say with that? well that's humiliating, disgusting, no breeding, immoral, egocentric shit head.well that's what he gets when he could not get any advise anymore.

anyways our cousins spend the night over to our house and perhaps they went home already. so my mom already have to go back to where she had her massage. she has to go there for 3 freaking days. so she'll be going back until tomorrow.

well today as of 9:50 am this sup caught me playing because he told me that i did not have an outbound call yesterday. the manner of saying that is no good. so i answere a not so good manner also. damn him. it does not mean that if you have a higher position you can just have a power trip. we're humans.

well he's been very mean. it's not because he's doing his job. ok he's doing his job like during work hours he will go to sm and anywhere he wants to? is that a descent manager? screw him. i don't like the approach. at first i found him ok but now, he's mean, unfair and hoaxful. i don't like these kind of people. i remember when i was transferred in this team. when he brief us about the new team and shit. at first i felt bad about him. and it came true. he's boastful and he had a favorite in the team which should not be implemented in any kind of work.

haaaaay naku ito at nag-uusap nanaman sila as if....they'll gonna get theirs.

children are children

ok so last saturday was a not so good day. well i did not thought that my mom would think something bad about me not giving her my pay. gradually since i earn profit with my work i always give all my pay to my mom especially when i got home. well that day i did not give it to her for my reason that i might me nabbed for the money that i have. it's much better for me to withdraw that in the mall to be safe. well in the mall because my mom told me that we're going there just to spend time with my sister and nephew. that day i took a thousand gran and purchased a cheap ps/2 mouse and ink. the ink was wasted because when i refilled my ink cartridge it keeps on leaking and the leak won't stop until the ink i've refilled runs out. i still have one refill but i'm scared to refill it to the cartridge because it might leak again and it'll be a waste of money. i'm thinking if ever i should buy a new cartridge.

well the next day that would be saturday it all started. well i was woke by my mom. so took so many things to be done. ate breakfast. but it started with my darn, stupid, egocentric, nephew. he did something that i did not like and which i know is not good to tolerate. so what i got was i was scolded by my sister and my mom. they've told me why the hell i should pick on my nephew it's just a small thing. not everything he does is wrong and stuff like that. so i said to myself that the reason why that child is not disciplined well. the reason also why he's not afraid of me when they're there because what he thinks is that his grandma is there to protect him and stuff. so i've made a resolution for it. i told my freaking self that i won't talk or even mind that child.

so before we go to sm we went to church and went straight to sm. we ate lunch there and bought some picture frame for our house. ok end of story.

yesterday monday, my sister went to his son's school. she was asked to come over to the office because his son did something very very bad. well don't have to literate it here. so when my sister, came our elder sister and my mom was so mad that her child is just like his father. so ok i was upstairs fixing the computer and stuff. they called me and said that i'll be in-charge of their nephew from now on. when i hear that, i said to myself that how about my promise or my resolution. well what can i do but just to follow. but i'm still not convinced. i don't wanna be blamed for the actions that i do with their nephew.

well actually i'm sick and tired of this issue. a lot of things had happened especially last night. i don't wanna mind this egocentric shit head. it makes me sick and also the reason why maybe i'm not gaining weight because of the problems that i pretty much take seriously. well i pray to god to give me strength and make me strong for this.

i don't know what to do. sometimes i just don't wanna see him around. i even told him last night to get the hell outta here and go to his own father. i don't really feel like loving him. i don't know maybe because i'm stupid and does not even understand children. in some cases, i'm not like that with some of my nieces. they seem to listen to what i told them. unlike this shit head.

i even told myself that maybe when this shit head grows up he will be just like his parents. will be a father in his early stage or even can be a sex maniac just like his father. but i'm not hoping for that. with the actions that this child does. but hopefully he's not like that. if he will be like that i'll be the one to throw him out of the house. or if my mom and sister won't allow that i'll be the one to leave the house. i don't want to have those kind of people around me.

i also blame his parents. because they're very irresponsible and they don't mind to burst out their plans for their son. i even told my mom that i won't take care of that child. whatever happeneds i won't take care of that child. as in never!

lately

ok yesterday i was able to manage to talk with a firend. asked her how she's feeling. if she already recovered from the sickness she had. well she only gets nose bleed spontaneously and even continously. she was checked up by her doctor and said that there are no implications of that. so i've told her that it might've been just caused by the weather, warm weather. so hopefully she's ok and hoping it won't give her any allergies because it's not good or else she will be rushed to the ER.

well we've even talked about what i felt with the sup and his hound. she agreed on what i'm saying. cool! she understood. well i was hoping that she appreciated my call. i hope she's thinking about certain things i do to her. well i hope she recognizes me. anyways, just really hoping that somehow she understands what i feel.

here at work nothing ever changes. nothing really happened unique or interesting. well we've received our salary, which should have been received or given yesterday as noted by the law. i wonder why this company releases money or salary even on weekends. so i'm not expecting about my tax refund. well because it's not included on my salary i only got about 6,6 and that's bad. i've received the bill on our phone. it reached 1,5. it's not good. it's not satisfying. well it reached 1,5 because of my grandma who consumingly consume long distance calls to her worthless children, which are my uncle and aunties. i really hate people who abuse things. they even think that they're a big help to the situation that we have. well when finally this buraot, brat bitch teresita, finally signed the deed of sale. all of his brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces and sons will be erased on my family list. they're not my family no more. even on this very moment. they're gonna get theirs. sooner the better. they'll experience shit things.

i don't even understand why they would want us to carry all their problems especially with their black sheep sister or niece or cousin. it's like they could not handle problems. all they have on their minds are to have fun and stay away from the responsibility and humiliation that that person is doing to them. well it only shows that their very, very week and dependent on others advised too much. and after all the good things people had done to them they would forget all about it and condemn the person who helped them about just a small bad thing for them. they don't even consider that other people also has their own lives. starting to build their own life and now they're going to give their responsibility to others. screw them all.

i don't really appreciate them all. their just all a pain in the neck. they're worthless. although they are all my real and immediate family. but none of them adopted me. i was adopted by their cousin which they've rejected as their sister. my mom was adopted by my grandma because they can't have a child, since they've adopted her. my mom is a good sister, daughter, friend, cousin and all of the things that people would cinsider her. and yet they are making situations that people would hate my mom.

let see, after the signature had been made. let see if they all will be in good terms. hoping that all of them would collapse and run to my mom again to have an advise. screw them.

well here at work, we supposedly to take outbound calls . yet they are requiring us to take inbound. well my question here is, is it our fault that the tools are down? is it also our fault if they're not reaching the quota? well the first thing they can do is to hire more employees. Mandatory over time is not a valid action. it's against the law. there's no such thing as mandatory over time. are they putting the company in danger? what if one of the employee just complained. client logic will be eliminated.

gradually, still looking for hope, solace, and fun fo my life. can't even understand why this is so pathetic.

scold

what have i done these past few days? well been scolded yesterday for being neglectful and stuff. played this mu online that meade me wanting more. it's fun but yet it's expensive. first today it's free. all you need is an internet access. but they've said it'll be fee based on the 17th of january. ok so you have to have an internet access and a card to log in separately. well just going to deal with it until it's free and i'm just gonna play that here in the office just to spend idle time.yeah i know it's prohibited to play here. so is it just i'm waiting something bad to happen? if you will ask. gradually, hoping that i won't be caught. well good luck to me.

well talked to a friend. a friend that i would say that i'm in love with. i started calling her pretty baby and what lovers call each other, yeah right, dream on i would say. though i would think she thinks it's just a joke and stuff. haaaaaaaaaay.

who wants to be worth a millionaire? well yesterday after work my mom and i had a conversation regarding people that surrounds us. that won't just leave us alone. their own freaking family problem, they would pass it to us, like they would give their responsibility to us. one thing for sure, they can't handle situations like that. well because their weak, worthless and all they're craving for is their satisfaction and shit. well all they wanted is for my mom to take care of their worthless, scalawag addict daughter, sister and whatsoever shit. are they panishing my mom? well i told my mom that i won't speak if ever they went there and talk to my mom. but first things first, no, no no and the hell no way for them to give a chance this time around. they've been given a chance since they were born so this time they should give us a chance to not grant their request. (assholes!). we're trying to make our lives comfortable or shall i say we're there searching for our solace and yet their gonna give another dilemma. well, screw them all. from this very moment, i don't recognize them as a part of my family. they will be just dead shits that i've crashed and burned.

i don't wanna bash anything about them here. well don't wanna feel bad this for my whole life. one thing that i know is that they're just nothing to me.

well i've tried playing mu. now i'm trying to download tantra. same game as mu but for me it has a better graphics and you can view it 360 degrees. so now i'm trying to download it. hopefully i would not be caught. as what he told me that our IT is active on this very moment. well wishing that this could download faster so that i won't be caught by these darn ITs who also plays these shits in their office.

well yesterday a colleague asked me if i brought my hdd. well i said no and asked why. well because he brought his enclosure. i told him let me borrow it and i'll bring it tomorrow. he insisted. ok a bit ashamed. so i brought my hdd today. happy that i could download all what i've downloaded to my hdd. guess what he did not bring it. he told me yesterday that he'll bring it today. well another sad paranoid shit again am i. good luck!

well he said there's tomorrow and he'll bring it. as if he will. i think not. i don't hink so. well hopefully tomorrow will be payday. i hope there's an income tax return. so i could buy that darn shit. well i'm not expecting it. i'm just illusioning it'll happen. there's a difference between expecting and having an illusion for that to happen.

well, i was happy when my mom told me about my sisters marriage. she said that my sister and his 7 year bf are planning to get married sooner this year. i'm so happy in a sense, she's getting married. on the other hand got sad when i've think about she's not around anymore and stuff. it'll be lonely,sad and pretty bad. although i hated her. but she's my sister. i love her. i'm worried about my mom. first of all because she will be alone. i'm not always there for her but i'm trying to adjust right now. well good luck for all of them.

what do i really want? i don't know. i guess i don't have plans in life. i guess my mom knows everything. i can't even start on the things that i wanted to do. i guess i consider a lot of possibilities and also that i'm lazy to do it. this makes me sick and tired. i wanted to find my self. perhaps free from any hindrances and the like.

i feel so damn sleepy right now. i slep lasnight around 9:30 and i woke up at 2 am. then yet th etools here in the office are down. it would really make me feel sleepy.

as of now, i don't know whether to laugh or cry. don't have anything on mind what to be done. yes of course pull up minimum of 20 tags today but how will you freakin' do that if the toool is down. thinking of some things i can do. either play sonic, mu or bejeweled, but the hell if the man caught me playing of course he would and he might scold me. ok so trying hard to control myself not to do sthose stuff until the viper get the hell outta here. wanted to utter something but pretty scared to be humiliated. well trying to get something good, but what i get is is the whole bad yards. get it?..... anyways you tyell me what to do.

changed

well things are getting better now. as what i've said fpr the past few days that i'll learn how to forget things. well thank god for the guidance, blessings he helped me to fforget all bad feeling that i've had. so i already brought back the rapor to one of my colleague here that offended me. i've even told myself that it's no use. i also thought that i think that's not he ment to say to me during that day. so he's forgiven, to cut it short. but one more thing that i've changed is i was able to talk to them agian and they've already missed me i guess. because before i was this talkative and utter new words that they just heard the they would laugh about because, i think it's funny? ok well i don't wanna be another jerky loner. so i've just set it all aside.
well when i was able to talk to this person since yesterday. i didn't know that he's also has a big freaking question regarding one of the colleague here that suck! well he has a lot of point that i understand and that would meet our big darn question to that shit. well being a professional and mature person, he just don't show their bad feelings for that person, which in my case i thought that in that situation the person is just "plastic". if i hated a person becasue of one attitude he had shown, i won't talk to that person and i won't smile or even assk something , unless he's the last resort. but that doesn't mean it's ok.

well for the past few days i kept mymy birthdays from my friendster and from our itka. but today, i have no excuse. well because they've asked each and everyone to list their birthdays and name. at first i did not sign but this magot approached me and told me to siign my birthday there. firstly, i don't want to put it there because some of the maggots here are just craving for treats, "blow-pout. duh, as if i can treat them." good luck to them. well i'm going to think of wonderful stuff that i can do just to avoid that situation. i don't want blow out unless those people just presented or volunteered that they'lkl treat us or me. well who cares. whatever they would say. i'm used to it.

well the sup was briefing us all one by one regarding the aht during our outbound. so it's like subconciously he's saying do your job. work and don't play games. duh i only play games because the tool is down. there's nothing i can do about it. all the tags pulled are left a message, no answer, and issue already resolved. the reason why my handle time reached 44 seconds only. for me it's not a question anymore. why it's too low or why it's only 44 seconds for the whole day work. i even told myself why don't he try and pull multiple tags and see if he can reach the quota of 20 or more. What i'm saying is they're freaking me out. they're gonna get theirs. one day, karma.

searching

ok so yesterday i felt soooooooo sleepy that i arrived to a situation that i've slept on my station, but i'm fighting it back. i don't wanna sleep here. mainly because it's prohibited, secondly, it'll just make me more sleepy later on. so i began to drink coffee the second time around. i took my short break ever. grabbed a smoke just to quit this sleepiness. get what i mean? ok so for the moment i was alive and kicking. began to pull out tags, continously. made me feel comfy for the moment. thankfully we did not took inbound calls yesterday, but today it's payback time to take inbound. ok so what. i'll take inbound. for their own freaking satisfaction.

upon arriving home yesterday, guess what, i went to bed immediately after changing clothes. i went home around 3 pm and so. so i woke up around 2 am this day. so that's freaking 11 hours straight of sleep. that scares me. i even had this weird dreams, that i was late to go to work becus i already see the sun. but that was just a dream. anyways, i went to take a bath, ate something. when my mom woke up. she asked me if i took the empanadas in the toaster. so hell yeah, i took it. so she began to talk and talk and talk. so pretty am scared for that. but that was not asked by my sister, because it's her's. well i guess later or tomorrow, my sister will talk about it and she will scold me about it. well my explanation for that is because i don't have enough money to buy food here. hello! all of my pay are given to my mom for all the expenses she needs in the house. my allowance are being deducted because my mom was in short of money. so it's not my fault no more. so what i want to say really is for them to have a consideration for that. it's just a food. they can't blame me for that. i know it's not right. i'm not making it right for the wrong thing that i did for the right cause. well i can say is just to wait and see what'll happen later, tomorrow os sooner.
well for the past 2 days, nothing happened differently unlike the past 3 days of working. i was wondering if by chance there will be someting different that will happen later. like it would make me happy. well yesterday also one of my colleague want to come with me to a short break. so sad thing there is that we're not talking much, we're not discussing any topics. so it's pretty humiliating in that part. i began to think that this person won't like to come with me next time because i'm worthless to be with. so i'm trying hard to think of any conversation. stop thinking about a not so worthy conversation like hatreds, burdens in work. well it would just be worthless too. suddenly an old colleague went by. same thing happened. nothing much to talk about....sigh.......
well i wanted to do something differently. kept thinking about certain stuff that i could do. like do something that i can't think of (confusing huh!) well i wanted to feel happy, excited, contented, satisfied, and whatsoever good stuff. well to be more elaborate. i really wanted to find a certain person, who could be there to comfort me. to be there always to accompany me. to make me feel that i'm inportant. of course i'll be like that to that person. i've been really searching for my solace. i need that to happen. well i've tried to get close with some people here or shall i say to everyone that i've met. what happeneds is either i'll be separated from the person, the person is resigning and finally they would ignore me. do stuff that i'll feel that i'm rejected. in my part it's humiliation and embarrassmen (what's the difference?) so i begin to avoid them and stop mingling with them much, unlike before. for me being lonely or alone in the world is like preventing myself from humiliation, rejection and stuff alike. well you could say that i'm so pathetic, not sympathetic. it's just that i'm scared of those things again. it really hurts me alot and i carry all the burdens in me.
i like to help people that i know, or my friends. yes it's because i wanted to feel that they will appreciate me, although they won't. some will be some won't and most of the time they won't. so far deep inside my head what i'm thinking is money. in my analysis, money is all that will find my solace. but of course i won't forget GOD or something or do some good things in life. it's just that without this i can't do the stuff that'll make me happy. like hanging in the mall, buying things that i wanted. you know what i mean. i don't wanna get stuck in the office and at home. can't even imagine what will happen to me when i get older. the other reason also for me not to have somebody to love. i should also manage to hang out with people. but i can't with the status that i have. based on the song that i'm listening. it says "who wants to be ordinary in a crazy mixed up world?". does this make sense to you? well for me i believe in that.
so around 8 i've decided to take an inbound call. so i've got 4 calls. good thing. after my one last call, i've decided to go ahead and play again sonic. well after 30 minutes this so called sucker asked me if i can access our team website. and as if i can't and he's asking me if i can access the checklist bullshit. so i said yes so he did not even tell it to me directly topost all the tags pulled. it's like he's making me stupid. so while i'm posting those stupid tags one by one. i'm freaking pissed. it takes me time and it's very hard on our part. it's like our job is worsen. so i began to tell my colleagues that it's hard and i won't finish it up. oe of them told me to post it rather on the shared documents. and the hell i'm gonna do that. saying things badly aloud so that sucker hears me.

never changed

ok yesterday was a quite not so good day. but it's fine. get me? well after work i went straight home. i was thinking of sleeping immediately upon arriving home, but of course it did not happen. because mom and sis are baking empanadas.and my nieces are at home, left by thier parents at home. ok so children are children. they do their thing. upon arriving home, i was asked to watch over those children. ok so i did not even sleep immediately. i went to bed around 10 pm. so that's about 4 hours sleep. i always wake up around 2 am to get ready for work. honestly when i woke up i've got the feeling of laziness upon me to go to work. i've realized that i wanted to apply for a perfect attendance this month. ok so i painstakingly tried harder to take a bath to get to work.
well last night before i went to bed both of my sister had a fight...(sigh). well the fight was regarding the children, you know..... so they both had a not so very nice fight. everything was said and done. all the hard feelings was burst out with a not so loud way (exagerating). it was very humiliating for mommy because my sis' boyfriend is there. they've shown all of their not so good attitude. one more thing that is humiliating was that they're both shouting and so all of the neighbors can hear one was being said. so i just accompanied my sister to get a taxi. they went straight home. of course we had this conversation regarding what happened. i did not went on anybody's side. i was saying the things what was right, what was not suppossed to be said and what's not. so we had a long conversation and arriving home we've also had a conversaion regarding those darn things. sigh....... o well never ending issues and stuff.

can't hardly imagine why these things keeps happening. though i thought that this should not be an issue anymore. in the first place they should have a consideration regarding mommy's status. o well in this issue both my mom and my nieces and nephew are pitiful. if only i can be a multi millionare person. i'll give everything mommy wanted in life and i would let her experience everything she should have experienced.
well here in the office, nothing changed, it's the same old thing in a brand new day. since i was not talking to one of my colleague here still it's the same. i don't mingle with him too much now, unlike before. which i know he noticed. who cares! well i don't feel like it. i don't wanna be humiliated again. yeah, i'm pretty scared again for that. especially i'm a professional right now? it'll be different to be humiliated. it could cause my job. you know what i mean? i've already realized that i should not be like this, but it's not so easy to put it back again to good. what's felt will remain. like what others said "Ican forgive but can't forget." what's done is done. no getting back to good.

in this life it's hard to trust someone. you'll never know what'll happen. it's better to be off. it's like i better be alone that hanging around with somebody back stabbing at you. o well it's not fair. o well o well.... another day. another freaking day.

new?!

well amazingly early morning, about past 3 am, i went to office together with my sister off to work also. i've met 2 ladies and thier foreigners. i don't know exactly if they're Koreans or Japanese, the hell. well that early morning i met them talking at each other like they don't know where they're going. ok so while i was walking these two ladies approached me and asked where MEGAMALL was. so i told them the direction but instead told them that i'll accompany them because that's where i'm headed to. so they've followed me. then arriving on the edge of the malls building i've told them that this is megamall. asked them also where thay're headed, well concern thingy alarmed me because they're ladies and both foreigners that they could be harmed by these darn stupid bad element people in the country. so the lady mentioned a place which i did not hear much and did not even understand. i just heard the last word CLUB. so i just told them that i don't know where it is. they've explained that they're going home and they'll ride taxi going to a city. told them that the city they're looking for is the place where thay are now. ok so they've thanked me and so i straight ahead towards my office. well while i was walking i've realized that, that's a different routine. i'd kinda like it and hoped that it would be different also tomorrow and i've also thought that this day might be special?, i guess. hopefully, yes.

well before i leave the house. while i was waiting for my sister to come down from the room. i turned the radio on and listened to my favorite rock radio station. so i was listening to a senseless song which was sang by an anti-christ singer. ok well after that heard the voice of a female vj, Sandy or cindy, i forgot. so after that short chit chat thing, she played a song sang by Sugarfree. the title was HARI NG SABLAY. at first i thought SUKLAY or something. so when i was listening to the lyrics. i've realized that this song fits me. butnot literally. it's like it conotes something subconciously. ok enough o that. so i began to to translate it to english. so hari is for king, ng is of and sablay is.... well i still kept thinking about the translation of that word in english. can't explain it. it's like mistake or something. i know there's much deeper meaning for that word aside from mistake.
well yesterday i thought i still got 4 bucks on my atm. gos when i went to work yesterday and tried to withdraw something. i was shocked that my money left is 100. garsh! so i said i don't have money. so when i went home from work, my mom asked me how much money do i have left. so i told her about it and so she was asking me that i might have spent it on something which i have forgotten. i told her that i di not spent much. i left that money there and i only took 500 bucks last new year's eve. ok so it was shocking and my mom is planning to go someplace to deliver the package to my sister in the states. so i told her that i still have 150 bucks and i'm just gonna give her the 100. but she said that i must keep the 100 because she might ask me to go to my grandfather to borrow some money for my allowance. o well that's very tasky. kept thinking on to whom i can borrow money. at first my mom told me about borrowing money from my cousin, but my cousin only had a hundred left. so i just cancelled going there, because it is humiliating to get that and while she does not have any. she even told me that i'll use that and she'll just borrow money from somebody there where she's staying. but i told her not tobecause it's inconvinient for her. o well, life i guess is tragic. don't have money? sorry! find a way! ok so i am wondering if i'll be the one to go to my grandfather to borrow money or my mom. i really hope that my mom would be the one to go there so that i don't have the hassle to go home.

well as what i've noticed this life that we had just loops back from what it was before. sometimes i wanted to believe my sister that my mom does not spend money wisely. when my mom think of that also, she's telling me all the expenses she had so she could justify that she's not over spending the money. ok. so should i believe them? siret! if only i could win the lottorey. it'll be convinient for my mom to live here. i would provide her a car, driver and a helper. i would even give her all the things that she wanted that she did not have before. i pity her because she did not even experienced things that could have been done or could have been given by her husband. she's old, she's tired, i guess she deserves to have those things.

i'm freakin' pissed with the faces of the sup and it's sidekick here. they both suck. like i don't like them both. i finally realized that they play the game unfairly. they are so called sheaters. they suck.i don't use to talk to them because they're so pretentious. as if they could escape from the mess they've made. their trying to wash their hands clean of this. someday, they'll experience worst things for these acts. well i really freakin' hate them both. drop dead!

while i was playing sonic, again at work. i've realized that it's dismissal time laready. so a colleague tapped me because he's already going straight home. ok so i've quit the game and logged off the phone and itka. i fixed my things. well then while i was in the elevator 2 of my team mates are with me. ok so the other one headed on the other side of the building's exit. while both of us are on the same exit. ok so this guy is teasing me and tells a lot of jokes regarding everything that is said and done. to cut it short he's a funny guy. i was so happy that my routine had changed a bit but satisfying. GOD really hears my prayer. well we've talked about certain things like the people i hated in the team. but before that topic lead the way. he asked me if i have plans to transfer to another firm. well my answer was no, but i'm planning to transfer to another team. so that's the story started for the two guys i've been talking about. well he's also against that old filthy shit. but when i said that i'm also mad with our sup. in that case he did not approve, or even he likes our sup because for him our sup is nice. but for me no. well because of the team player award. i was thinking that they both planned it without including the whole team. it's like both of them are the only members of the team. they did not even asked our votes to whom will be the team player awardee. i told my team mate that i'm mad with the sup because of the leave that i've filed was denied. that's unreasonable. so he said that one of our teammate also has the kind of reason that i had why i was absent that day. well i told him that all people are not the same. so if the other team mate also has an influenza, and he went to work and he was granted to just rest, well maybe because it's not that worse than what i had. so i changed the topic and jumped to, "Well he's inconsiderate!". the topic changed into something that we both agreed on. i'm not mad at him, at least i've heard some other side of unfairness, in fairness.

i don't like them both because they really suck as in suck! they both are so called sucker!
anyways these are the thoughts and happenings yesterday. god speed to me tomorrow. i wish it'll be different again, hopefully. looking forward to it, mate!

Existence?

what the fuck are you planning both? are you trying to help him to become a coach? you're just considering him? the fuck? what did he gave you to eat? are you both screwed, hopefully yes. so you're gonna make him a coach and yet some of us here deserves to be one but you never do something. ok so favoritism? in this firm favoritism has been a sweetheart for this shit heads. thang -eena. so you're considering him because he's already a father of 4. yeah right? don't measure that on the civil status prick head. you have to have demoted. yeah. once before i really like them but now thy're humiliating with their integrity, or do they have one, if you ask. yeah earlier a lot of them are talking about leaving the firm. they've also asked me if i'm planning to transfer like them. well i have no plan of moving, but one thing i know these corrupt prick head deserves to have a karma. they're so inconsiderate and stupid. once they're mad because of the favoritism mechanism happening in the firm and yet they're both one of it. duh! screw them both and hopefully everything should strike back for them. it's a cosmic credit card, Karma. they won't realize that unless they've experienced it the hard way. yeah, so damn waiting for that. well god speed on them both hopefully it won't strike on them thrice. they'll soon realize things they're doing aren't right. you'll see.

well this is all i can say as i've noticed and heard them talking about some promotion. well that's what my reaction is all about. well in the past few days, we've celebrated christmas and new year. well not that fun because of a visitor that came to our house have something to say about myself with what she cares. well i told my mom that i'm gonna buy something. so i've asked permission. after i bought something, i went straight ahead to a friend's house nearby. spen an hour or two. just to talk about life nad stuff. i've never seen her in months so decided to come over to her house to greet her and his mom a hapi new year. well after that i've went home with my sister and the visitor watching out for me. they were mad and stuff because i did not even asked permission. and this visitor is murmurring about me that i've been too mean because i've already had a job. well why can't she say that with her favorite grandchildren which are worthless and selfish. what matters is that why did not mom even just lie that he went out and bought something so that that stupid visitor won't say anything against me. well can't blame them because they're inconsiderate in things like this. ok so waited a bit til that visitor went home. thank god she's gone. don't wanna have her presence at home because he's a chizmosa kind of person. she tells everything to other people differently, she even make up stories on her own. i hope she's dead, really! she's been a nightmare.

well this day. i'm in the office, back to work, same old thing as yesterday. no changes in this new year. well at home i've found new friends. well the people whom i hated? if you ask. well i finally made friends with them because i told myself that nothings gonna change in my life i f i would have too much pride and insecurities in life. time to change these shits. time to crash and burn all these silly things in hell. well that's a life i thought. well finally i had recovered a bit from the hatred that i felt for these past few weeks. i don't know i guess i was sick and tired of it. i wanted to change myself and wash away the bad thoughts and bad feelings. some changed some don't. the first paragraph i wrote never changed as of now. well it's because they both suck. they suck and they really freaking suck. what else can i say, but they suck, they are so called sucker! who knows but someday i'll be transferring and hopefully when i transfer it'll be great and fun.

well while at work i've read my friend's blog. it's quite updated every week. i've read something there regarding a website. it's called DILIMAN. so i've wondered what it was. i first thought that it was a comic series as what have been mentioned by the writer. so spend a couple of hours to read the whole 13 series. well i found it good, nice, low cost and unique. if you ask why? the story is all about friends having the capability of casting spells seing dead things, and the most highlight is to see monsters that haunts them. well in that story evolved on a certain same sex relationship which ended in a tragedy because of these filipino monsters, you know what i'm talking about. ok it ended up winning on a TIKBALANG or half man half horse monster. it's very interesting because the story felt like it happened. like it was told based on a true to life story. i've painstakingly finished reading it. it made me felt wow! that's a nice one i've ever read in an internet. it has a lot of series so you've gotta read it now or else you have to read it from 1 to 12 series and now it's 13.

well i guess my friend is heaven sent,really because i've learned a lot of sites that make you go, what an experience thing. i really think that i felt something that i can't explain, with her. because i became interested in all she writes. i'm really am beginning to like her, even more deeply, love her. well i don't know if she likes me o what because i don't seem to be too close to her, like spending time with her and stuff. i wish we're pretty much close at each other so that she could sense it. hoping that somehow she feels something for me. that would be even better if that happeneds. i'm so happy that somehow she knows i exists.
well i've created a poem. i've posted it on my other blog which she knows that it's what i have. she does not know this blog, journal that i had. well what would you feel if you read a journal about me in love with you and stuff. that would be a certain shocking files to know. it's better this is unkown, not knowned and confidential. so everyone will be clueless except me, myself and i.

well time to end this up. hopefully tomorrow will be a brand new day. i said brand new day not same old freakin' day. hopefully a new discovery, exploration, sight, experience and feeling. pray, pray, pray and fuckin' pray for that. thanks