wonderful

good news. i was able to change with the approach that i give to ron. i now talk to him, joke around and stuff. i actually asked him why they've left me yesterday? they said that they did not know. ok so we joke around and stuff then a while ago when i was having my short break i invited him but he's still on a call. actually, he invited me first. so i went ahead and smoke by myself. then after my break i checked my lunch break schedule and my break schedule is 8 am and saw his lunch schedule is 9 am i decidd to take more calls and wait for an hour so we'll be together to take our lunch. he said that he will check his atm if we already have salary. and so we both checked it and was surprised that it was not the expected salary. ok i got 13 and i took 3 and i would leave it to 10 and give it to mom but i'm deciding to give 8 so i have extra money, hehehehehe, i mean mwahahahahaha.

after checking our atm he said that he will go to a bank to pay for his credit card. i've asked him if he's not going to take his lunch first and how will he eat and take his lunch.? he said that he would just eat some sandwich. ok so i went ahead and part our ways. he went to thebank and i went ahead and buy food. then suddenly sunday i saw this FISH scalawag. I didn't mind because he's not worth my time, effort and energy, for crying out loud, he's a darn shit hole. sorry for the word. then after taking my lunch i went ahead and bought, for the first time a 300 PHP load. for crying out loud, ALRIGHT!

tHEN I FINALLY ARRIVED AT MY STATION AND PREPARED TO TAKE CALLS BUT DECIDED TO GRAB A SMOKE AGAIN. WENT BACK AND GOT 6 MINUTES LEFT BEFORE I TAKE A CALL. OK THEN HE ARRIVED AND TOOK CALLS AND AFTER A WHILE HE INVITED ME FOR A SHORT BREAK. HE WENT AHEAD AND MOMENTS LATER I FOLLOWED HIM TO THE SMOKING ROOM BUT WE WEREN'T ABLE TO HAVE A SHORT CHIT-CHAT. ANYWAYS, i went back and took calls again and it's 12:15 45 minutes before the end of my shift. well earlier i told ron that i would have a haircut later and asked for how much it'll be. he said that it depends on the hair cutter and most likely it is 180PHP. then the conversation started about my mom, what she said when i told him that i would cut my hair at FIX and stuff. well in a way he's shocked, but i could not feel any care and stuff. going on, i also mentioned to him my credit card and stuff and that i haven't used it for my personal needs and stuff. he's a little shocked about that but i notice it a bit.

it'll be a good feeling that we'll both go there and have our hair cut. for the first time in my life i was able to go there and have my hair styled at least. so i can look like a human being.

see you tomorrow i'm in a hurry iobviously i'm stuck in a call again.
to be continued.....shit!

confused!

what a day, yesterday we went home with our tl. i was stuck on the phone for about 30 minutes over the end of my shift. so we all went home and before that, ferdie borrowed 60 bucks from me which i think is not appropriate for him to borrow. i told him that i owe him a hundred and so told him that it's a payment for what i owe him and i still owe him 40 bucks more. then ron tried to borrow money from me but i told him that i don't have money anymore.

going on, downstairs with our tl they decided to grab a bite and asked me if i wanted to come. of course i told them no, and i need to go home already. so the three of them went ahead and grab a bite, while ron had this facial expression like for crying out loud, he would like to say i'm kj. do you know what i mean? then i hurried to get out of the building and have this feeling that they would force me to stay for a while. but of course they don't care. i thought that it will be nice, but definitely it wasn't. when i got home i decided to drink 8 tablets of ferrous sulfate. well, it was because i hated myself and i wanted to die and i wanted to know the feeling of drug overdose. well i know it's not really a strong medicine. but i believe it would affect my body in drinking too much ferrous sulfate. then i went ahead and sleep. well i felt bad because my stomach hurts. i feel like i wanted to vomit. i can't sleep properly. i said to myself,"alright i'm dying, common let me die now!" then i just realize that i was sleeeping already. darn it. while i was sleeping i felt some growling in my stomach. i woke up and said again come on let me die. but then i fell asleep again. why can't i just die right now? then momentarily i felt bad again with my stomach keeps on aching.

then the story goes on.....while i was sleeping i tend to dream of something different, it invokes sorrow and spectacle in a way....anyways, i woke up at 1:30 am. ate my breakfast, peanut butter sandwich to be certain. i left the house around 2:30 am and got scolded again by my mom, because of certain stuff and scenario. i arrived around 3:00 am and grabbed a smoke. met my ex-officemates in the smoking room and mingle on certain stuff with what had happened to that company. o well then suddenly sunday, ron called in my cellphone. i was shocked that my phone was vibrating. i wonder who had messaged me. then i saw the message that somebody is calling me. i wonder who was it. found out that it was ron. but first i thought it was my previous company, then i began to wonder how the hell the previous company got my number. but eventually he introduced himself saying,this is ron. ok i was shocked and wonder why he called. i thought that he's gonna be late or absent. then he said that he will be late as i went back to my station and saw tl and gave my phone to her because ron will call back. ok found out that he'll be late but he's not. just to share it. then moments later while i was taking calls. i received a new message from our company's email. i said, "well it's gonna be another update. then i saw the message and it's from him. o great, i wonder what will this be. then i checked the message and he's trying to borrow money from me, again. well that's fine but the sad part is i don't have money. so i explained to him that i also borrowed money from my mom and i apologize to him. then no message came back. i'm not expecting but i really want to run away from this messed up place, i want to break freeee, yeah,yeah,yeah.....

i already took my lunch and waiting for the time to end....specifically my lunch time, hehehehe. i'm seated at his station which he used to sit yesterday. ok so what. my tl told us to sit at another station but the tools are not working there so i transferred where he was seated yesterday. I'm so pathetic, odd, and worthless. i just realize that what i'm doing is so bad that i really wish i'm dead. i got 6 minutes left on my time. i'm about to take calls. i'll give you an update, alright see you later........

i just finished my last short break and actually ron invited me to go on break but i was still on a call then, minutes later i got off from the call and went ahead on break. i met him there in the smoking area and talked about the crap again which is going on with these crap people that surrounds us. in other terms, self-centeredness stuff. ok going on. he mentioned that he was really in a hurry and he really hurried up to go to work a while ago because he was almost late. then he finished his cigar and went off. i was left alone in the room and realized to stop the crap that i'm up with. ok i will change. i won't look pathetic anymore. i would just not mind whatever i see between him and the other person coz it would just drag me down. and that i will stop taking ferrous sulfate again, because it's really a crap.

i've checked my excite mail and i found this readings about myself and i would like to share it. here goes:

You're ready to tell it like it is, but is your audience ready to hear the real deal? It's certainly not an unfamiliar crossroads for you to find yourself at, and it's highly unlikely that you'll hold back this time. While your straightforwardness makes you a valuable asset, it may not make you incredibly popular right now. If you're concerned about keeping your fan base, engage your tolerant side before you decide what you're going to say.

I wonder what this means but i can relate to it. promise! see you tommorrow.

PS
I'M STUCK IN A CALL AGAIN, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SIRET na talaga!

hi advance hapi new year! well basically i wanted to apologize for leaving so soon yesterday. i know it's kinda hanging to leave my journallike that. anyways today, i've noticed that JOS is not around. he's absent. YEHEY! for crying out loud. FOR SCREAMING OUT LOUD! well basically the reason was that he will go to america and work there. finally, he's out of my sight. one problem is this guy here is still around and i'm kinda pissed seeing him around. he's so darn numb. i really wanted to start all over without having another job, but rather he'll get out of my sight. i would be joyful, i promise, once i got a new team, or shall i say i have a new or i am in a new team. duh! right now i'm feeling like sad once that happened. there's something in me that makes me think twice not to let go. i don't know why. god this is another suffering. i'm hating myself for that. yeah of course he's good, i admire him, he inspires me to change my day to day activity, curriculum or whatever you may call it.please give me a sign that he would really treasure me and that i'll be his bestfriend. cause right now i can say that he's my best buddy, but i ain't feeling it that i'm his bestfriend, or he treasures me. what kind of a feeling is this? i really hate this feeling, too emotional and sentimental.why do i have this kind of feeling? it slowly kills me. it will be appreciated if you kill me now! make it fast and simple. that would be highly appreciated.

i can't be like this my whole life. i need to be relaxed, comfortable and unique just like other people. please give me a chance. that's all i'm asking for. i really would like to go back to where i started and what i am originally. i thought i was strong enough but it made me weaker. please give me a chance to grow.

yesterday i went home early and ferdie was my company headed home. he told ron that we'll go home. he has this facial expression like he's mad at me or has a bad feeling about leaving so soon. well i did not care and i felt bad, honestly speaking. it's really hard to let go people like him. i'm really looking for a friend that would acknowledge me, know my felings, trust me and would always be there for me. that's all i'm asking for. i would say that they're after me because they like my company. you know what i mean?.......

well i'm done with my call just now 1:32 pm and i'm pissed off with the customer i'm having. soooooooooo, stupid. see you tomorrow

for crying out loud, please!

belated merry christmas to you. well last friday, it was a relief that i am solo for today. meaning i passed the transition and i'm in ops. very nice. well basically after the shift i did not mind waiting for those guys but they keep on waiting for me and messaging me, where i am. so i was not able to go home early, instead they invited me to go and have something to bite. we went to a fast food chain located downstairs. they are offering me what i want to eat but of course i declined and i don't want to eat. i was so sad because obviously i'll be left out again. and so it really happened. i hate it. yeah of course i look so pathetic and worthless that day. i don't talk much. well because they both are just having this conversation which i know i can relate but he don't talk to me. darn it, man. so i'm so quiet then he noticed that i'm so quiet. he said that why i was so quiet and what's the problem. i said that i have no problem, but deep inside, i'm really having a bad day, and a humongus problem.

moments later i told them that i need to come home. all of us started to pack our things and headed home. while we were walking out of the bldg, both of them again, are just talking about certain stuff. ok so i'm really pissed off. i go right ahead of them, leaving them behind. yeah, i'm pretty sure that he's asking ferdie, what my problem is. whenever we go home we all stop in the loading zone and talk about stuff, but what i did was i immediately rode a jeep. without giving a formal goodbye. i don't care if they're talking about me and stuff and i wish they would really hate me for that.

i went home i got home around 4 pm and i was surprised that my mom told me to accompany my nephew in the xmas party that was organized by our neighbor. so i seated and waited for the party to start and sat on the ledge kept thinking about things that's going on. i actually enjoyed it pretty much, because i got acquainted by our neighbors and started to build a rapport to them. i kinda feel odd because they are so called, jologs. sorry to say that but they're good. i find them immature and uncool for me. i'm really sorry, but i admire their company. so i seated and watched my nephew play the parlor games that they've come up with. then momentarily they started to invite everybody to grab a bite. my mom told me to get them food. so i did. afterwards i grabbed a plate and eat my meal. i was pretty much happy that night because i did not know that they're putting up a band there. i decided to go home before that even started and kept waiting for any occurences that i might join in the party.

while i was waiting for anything to happen, i grabbed my sisters guitar and played a few song. then i just realized that somebody's playing the drums and guitar. i said to myself hey that's cool. Those people started to play a few song and i started singing while they're playing. it was a relief, because my mom is downstairs and i was playing my guitar upstairs, i mean my sister's guitar. when i heard that they're already playing or performing i started to sing along with their music. going back, it was arelief because it gave me a chance to shout out loud or to sing out loud. they're actually playing alternative and rock music which all were very familiar for me. so i sang out loud, for crying out loud, and i was able to release my anger, temper, dpression, desperation and whatever you may call it. i even managed to shout at the top of my lungs, oh yeeeeeeeah! as far as i can remember the music that they played were, bamboo, incubus, hale, santana and cueshè songs. i all know all those songs that those band sang, which the band played. i just love it.

then the next day, which is dec 24th, i decided to fix my computer and gradually, eventually, luckily i found what the problem was. the driver for my video card is not compatible with my board and so it causes to lock up the systemn. i installed all the software available and, walah! it does not lock up anymore, yehey! i played some games and installed a lot of softwares.

$pm my mom was scolding me to take a bath already. ok so i did and i have the urge to even accompany her to go to mass. with my younger sister. when we arrive home, my uncle and cousins are there waiting for us. they ate potato salad and had a few talk. i was shocked that i was able to build rapport and conversation with my uncle and cousins. which i don't usually do prior to that day. well maybe because i was so happy and i feel satisfied. my god, what a beautiful day that was. of course i greeted few of my friends and never greeted him for the reason that i don't want to feel ignored again as i usually feel.

momentarily, i got a message from him saying, "Merry Christmas". i wrote it the same as he wrote it" you know what i did? i did not reply as if it's just a waste of time, money and effort. i'm gonna live my life. i'm trying it hard.

My cousin, donnah was also there at our house, but will not celebrate xmas with us. she went home and so i accompanied her home and stayed for about an hour at her place and talked about the problem that i'm having here at work. he seem to understand now what i've become. actually along the way we were talking about being independent stuff, crap like that, for crying out loud. It's a good feeling to share that to someone because it gives you the spirit of relief and relaxation.

anyway, today at work i did not waited for him i just went ahead and live my life. he keeps on asking g me to accompany him to eat, smoke and stuff. when he arrived at work he invited me to grab a smoke and i did not talk to him at all. i talked to one of my colleagues at CL. then first break i was alone. then lunch we took our lunch together but he decided to buy food downstairs and wait for me but he did not comeback and so i started to eat my lunch alone. then i saw him and he invited me to grab a smoke. yeah we're in the smoking room but i never talked to him.

now it's already 1:22 PM

anyway, i'm gonna continue this tomorrow, i'm tired.

sh*t

well basically, i've been over reacting . why did i say that? well it's because i've been so snooty and snobby. well basically because i'm starting to hate myself for being what i am. i really never felt like this before. i thought everythings gonna be fine, but i've noticed that i was pretty pathetic and darn worthless. basically i haven't finished my blog yesterday so i am continuing it today. as you will notice it has a different title than what i have with this new one. well basically i'm starting to avoid these people but i did have a great time yesterday with them. i did not want to show them that i am avoiding or swaying away from them because of my insecurities. so yeah, yesterday i thought that bought of them went home already and got pissed off of me because i felt like i'm acting like a vip. gradually i went and talk with our tl regarding the situation. ok blah, blah, blah, blah about the situation that is going on. then when i finally finished my conversation what we had was the hard feelings about the christmas party last saturday, december 17, 2005 to be exact. everything was clear to me now, except that i really wanted to sway away from this guys.

going on , i thought that these guys left already but when i looked back i saw ferdie and he's waiting for me. so i said, ok so they were waiting for me. i remembered that the last thing i've told tl was, "just don't tell them that i'm avoiding or starting to avoid them. it's a personal reason". but i'm pretty scared that i will be so called a bastard that day for what i've said to tl regarding avoiding them. nevertheless tl would mention that or say that to them. well i forsee that once these people started to know that, of course they will get mad at me. well that's alright because i really wanted to be alone and pathetic of myself as what i have been long before.

yesterday after our conversaton with precious, i mean after my conversation with precious, i saw them waiting for me. of course they would wait to gather information about what we've talked about. so we went down and they started to buy food. what i did is buy a can of beer and bought a pack of cigar. well unfortunately it is because this ron guy here wanted to know the information about our conversation. ok i've started to think that this will be the time that he will start to abhor me. ok so i told not everything about the conversation that i had with precious. but i was straight forward to ron about the situation. i don't have to be in detail because it will be a very long sh*. i've asked him that if he is mad at me, just tell me and i don't care about it, yeah! so i was wrong about what i thought that he would get mad at me. he said when i ask that, that he is not mad and it's ok with him, he did not care. so i told myself SH*T! i'm really stupid and idiotic. because i was wrong with what i'm expecting to happen.

ok everytime that we have our debriefing after our calls i show depression, frustration, and it's like i was not in the mood. but it did not help. i don't know there's something in me that haunts me and that makes me realize about what i'm doing. i really hate it, my god i don'ts like this feeling.

so today before i started to compose this darn sh*t journal. they've invited me to go downstairs and eat. but what can i do? i just did accompany them to eat something at jollibee. i did not eat and they are inviting me and asking me what i wanna eat. of course, hello i don't want to eat. what i did was bought a can of beer again and drank it outside the bldg while we were having a smoke.. so at this very moment, that i'm typing, i'm waiting for him to talk to precious, our tl. i've asked myself why should i be waitnig for him. what am i trying to prove here? i'm sooooooooo really pathetic. i hate myself i wish that i could die just right now. if only somebody would just kill me now. it will be a relief.

ron told me not to open blog spot because it is prohibited here in ops to browse websites. well i said i don't care and it's not about something that would bother those FISH people. and so he replied, "sige bahal ka yung sa akin lang naman is just to inform you". ok fine, whatever man, i don't care. can you please mind your own freaking business. that's what i told myself. so 10 minutes ago? he left and went somewhere which i don't know and he left his things on this workstation that i'm working on. and i wonder why he is taking so much time and what should i do right now? should i leave now ? anyways i'm going somewhere i just have to finish this blog so i can go home and do stuff that i want. ok till next time see you tomorrow.

P.S.
they're having their conversation now. hahahahaha whatever see you tomorrow and by the way MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR, MAN!

bothered

good day there. well i'm here to say a few words. well yesterday after the shift, both of them went ahead and went down to go somewhere. well i was left in the office to try totalk to our tl. well i haven't got any luck because she's eating her lunch and stuff. so she said she would talk to me today. hopefully she would be able to talk to me later. so this, great guy, ron, messaged me and invited me to accompany FERDIE to eat ice cream. so i texted them, ok. i really hate it because i wanted to go home early. well i just did company them . ok so we went to ministop and decided to transfer somewhere else. so went at ministop outside the bldg. ok so they both so they ordered ice cream and i just waited outside to finish my cigar.. then finally they called me to eat ice cream after buying one. so i tld them that i don't want to eat ice cream. you know what's the saddest part is?, they both are ust talking and sharing shits. if you're gonna ask me what i'm doing? well i ust stood there and listen with their conversatiomn. shit man. shit. i hated it i just hope that i decided to go home immediately. so i grabbed my cellphone when i was outside finishing my cigar, to show that somebody just messaged me. so during hat darn situation, being ignored and stuff, i told them that i have to go home because my mom messaged me to go home early. of course what ferdie said is ok go ahead. then ronm said , don't throw him away. and it's like they both don't want to let me go but i insist to go home. so i went ahead and went home. finally i got out from their web and embarrassment of being out of place. when i got home i immediately changed clothes, removed my shoes and socks. then grabbed the disc player, power cord, cd and earphones. i listened to my mp3 collections so loud that i would not hear anything. i wasn't able to sleep immediately because of my freaking brain. i really hated that mooment that my brain keeps on showing me things that i should not see, you know what i mean? you would understand with the journals i've posted.

well i've checked my sign today with a free fortune. i've posted it on my signs dashboard. i'm going to post it anyway here. hre goes:

It's time for an interruption, one of the fun and fanciful variety. What -- or who -- do you need to get yourself into the spirit? Conspire with a friend to bust out of your daily routine: Bundle up and walk to work instead of carpooling, plan a trip to a gallery during the day, do some window shopping and then play a board game at a new cafe -- whatever suits your mood. The only important factor is that it's different.

Fortune
You have an important new business development shaping up.

well what can i say about it? well it is happening. i really do like my account in EXCITE because it gives me information that are really happening. well i know you would not understand but i do because i can feel it.

yeah regarding try something different as what it says on my sign. it is happening and i wanted to sway away from it because i really hate what i'm feeling now when i'm with them. i'm starting to ignore them and now i am pretty much a bit feeling fine or shall i say, recovered? i don't know. who knows? well fortunately, i left my cellphone at home and there's a reason for me to say that i left my phone the reason wy i was not able to mesage them. once they message me if i'll be leaving the office. isn't that cool. can't deny that i'm gonna miss them but, duh, i was never ment to be ignored.

a while ago when he arrived he invited me for a smoke but thankfully it was postponed for whatever reason. then we did smoke when we took our first break, duh, when we we in the smoking area, fortunately there are some other poeple that i know and i was able to have a short talk about stuff showing him that i'm not interested to talk with him, subconciously, i wonder if he feels that. after that break my buddy is the next to take calls and i will just assist him with his call. it took us more than an hour to finish it for whatever reason, and so those two people that i'm talking about is about to take their lunch. i told them to go ahead and i'll just follow but it was my intention not to join them so that i could eat solo and start to adjust or go back with the real me. isn't that cool.

right now my fist is turning red because i kept punching anything that is hard, like the wall, the arm chair and stuff ust to get over with what i was feeling, frustrated, disappointed, pathetic and stuff.

supportive 2

i'm back, sorry i was not able to to finish my journal yesterday. i've been busy and has no time to continue it. anyways going back to the topic, i just felt like very insecure and envious with ron because of that scenario in the party. well this is during when we are dancing on the dance floor. it's about this girl who likes him. God i never felt so bad about it. because i just realized that night that i'm nothing. i'm pretty concious now with my physical looks. yeah, he is good looking with the way he dress and stuff. he looks clean and good. my god i wish i was like that. i really hate myself for that. if only i had listened to my mom about the way i dress up and stuff, then i wouldn't feel this way. because i'm someone that can live whatever i wanted to be, and i'm looking like a worthless scalawag shit. geeees.... i hate myself as of the moment. this is a very unpleasant shit for me.

well yesterday i was so pissed off. i barely hated both of them, ron and ferdie, because their the only ones that has this good conversation about stuff and i'm left behind. this ron freak, always talk to ferdie all the time about good stuff and he does not even share it to me. like i felt so ignored and abandoned. he only talks to me about his bad feelings about JOS and stuff, but never shared something different that i would feel comfortable. well i guess that's the problem with me or i am the problem. if only i could die just right now, that would be muchly appreciated.

going on, yesterday after work i was bout to talk to tl about stuff but she told ferdie that she wouldn't have the time to talk to me today or that day for some reason which i don;t know. so i was really pissed. then ferdie approached me in the smoking room and told me something something which he can't say to ron, and it is the reason behind not testing me last saturday and shit stuff. i was really pissed off. one more thing i got pissed off was when ron and ferdie both spending their lives lively and without knowing my feelings and acknowledging me. god, why do i have to get stuck with this idiots......they both noticed that i was so snobbish and snooty when we were doing some activities at work.

well after that scenario, ferdie went ahead and left and ron invited me to follow him and accompany him at cdr king. then we went to ice breakers at the bldg and ferdie ordered an ice cream and whatever you call it. then they only have their own conversation. i was so quiet and i just smiled at both of them whenever they say something.....their soooooo numb. i really hate it. after ferdie ate his ice breaker dessert, ron invited us to sing at the videoke bar or whatever you may call it....so we sang a few songs and the saddest part was, both of them have duet songs, so i'm pretty much ignored, abandoned, left behind and intentionally unrecognized... i felt so bad about it and it pissed me off. both of them are having conversations, good conversation about certain celebrity and movie topics and i'm left behind. of course i'm behind them and they don't even acknowledge me. i really hate them. i was supposedly should have left and went home but it's gonna be awkward, i know! anyways when we went home, obviously he would wait for me to get a ride but he decided to cross the street and go straight home. ok i was so disappointed and felt pathetic for myself. i said, darn it man, darn it.... when i went home of course my mom asked me where i've been and i was so a so called liar. i told her that i went to BIR to get my id and told some crappy stuff. anyways when i was about to sleep, that was around 5pm, this brat messaged me, the message was, "brodly, naaalala m b ung kninang umaga pagdating k? malakas b tlga ung boses ko? dinig b ng buong flr?", i was like what?... what do you want to prove, i told myself. duh as in T-H-E! am i the person you would only message for that crappy, bullshit worthless, egocentric scenario? so what i did i did not reply. i told myself, "bahala ka sa buhay mo, punyeta ka!". so i closed my eyes then my mom closed the door. i started to cry that very moment. because i felt so pathetic for myself. i have proven that i'm really worthless and really destined to be a "man is an island". very, very, very pathetic. (crying!).

so today, i am trying to sway away from this 2 people who are great, gifted and extraordinary. i envy them. i tried to avoid them as much as possible but i was being hunted. of course i don't want to show them that i'm avoiding them, but i'm pretty sure that it is pretty obvious. a while ago when he was taking in calls and i was doing some call shadowing i went ahead and ate my lunch downstairs, alone. then he messaged me and asked me where i am. i replied that i am downstairs and i'm already eating my lunch. so a few minutes later i saw them. you know i really have a strong instinct and feeling that they are approaching. when i looked at my left i saw them. of course i made some excuses and stuff... anyhoo i just want to start all over again. why would i have to always feel this way everytime i start all over. first at teletech, i met a person and i felt so bad that we have to part away because of some instances. when i transferred here at siemens di ba, i promissed not to make friends anymore. i don't want that feeling, meeting someone that is very special to you, what i mean is a friend that is always there for you, then everything's gonna go away. what i'm saying is, i don't want that stupid feeling anymore, please help me. AYAW KO NA MAKIPAGKAIBIGAN!!!! for crying out loud.

actually he texted me and asked if i was in the office. i did not reply. by the way when they finally saw me taking my lunch he told me that i should have messaged them. i was avoiding that and i really wanted to eat alone and i just wanna be alone, so i just want to freak out let it go and get over it. he also invited me to have a smoke and told me about the message he received from our tl and asked me if she messaged me. well i lied, i'm a liar in some instances. i said no. but i did save the messages that she sent me. you see, i'm really a big fat ass liar, because i want to be alone. i'm not expecting him to, you know, accompany me or something like that. i just want him to get out of my life as much as possible please. i want to return to innocence. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, for crying out loud.

ok i don't know if she will talk to me later, or she'll make another excuse, like she has reports to do and stuff. i won't accept that. i'm just holding my temper. hopefully this will fix the problem. i can hardly imagine, if ever everything's has been solved, i'm telling you, i will be mostly ignored, neglected, abandoned and abhored. surely, for crying out loud. he who must not be named really irritates me and i want him to fall on his knees and be kicked when he's down. yeah you can say that i'm bad but i really wanted to see him fall.

going back about when the problem is solved. you'll see i won't be acknowledged anymore and i will surely be ignored and abhored, like they don't need anything from me anymore. that's a lovely scenario. how pathetic. that's what i really like so that i could be dead as soon as possible. why? well my only hope and wish is to be dead, or to die or my death.

well basically, i saw him being coached after taking a few calls. he seem very happy most probably because of positive feedback and, GOD, i don't wanna feel so envious and stuff but this stupid emotion of mine keeps telling me to feel one. i hate it. make it stop for crying out loud. i wanted to be numb or you know, dead. that's all i wanted is that hard to do.

ok i'm pretty prepared to take in calls and i don't care. come what may. see you tomorrow for more info, alright? ciao!

supportive

another day, another beginning. well we had our christmas party last friday and saturday. of course my initial plan was not to come, but my friend invited me and forced me to come. so isaid, "ok, i would only come if you come." I was so happy intially when he invited me. i thought he wouldn't care. of course i've mentioned that to my mom so i could join the party and have fun. well the party last friday was not that exciting. we have arrived there exactly 8pm and went home at 9 pm, because of some personal reasons of my friend (that's plural). that was bad but i felt good about it.

then on saturday, we went at metrowalk phi. that was my first time to visit that place. it's a very good, nice and exciting place to visit. of course i was the only one who has this bag. what a hassle and what an embarrassing moment but i said that's ok. both of my friends (ron and ferdie) have their masks and i did not have one. i thought i won't be able to go inside the venue because of that. but it come out that the mask is not the ticket. ok so we were seated at the corner of the venue with the team. we had this conversation about the situation that my friend, ron, had. what a day, i said. before we arrive at the venue ron and i met at citibank. i've waited for about an hour and i felt and look stupid. along the way he said to me that he just realized something, which i don't know if it was what i said to him last friday or what ferdie said (i'm kinda jealous if that's the case, not with what i said....).

during the party we both isolated ourselves from the team and i'm kinda supportive for him. i don't want him to be with himself. so what we did we talk with maggi, our OM, to show those guys that it was not our lost. we joined the contests and stuff and support our team for the contests. by the way i won 2 gift certificates in the bring me contest. i brought 5 bottles of beer. the certificate is pretty way too cheap. it's a go doughnut stuff, sh*t. *ehem*. but i really enjoyed that party.

after the show, after that crappy raffle and stuff we had a dance, or shall i say disco. we danced all night long, i drunk 2 bottles of beer. we both met few ladies. here's the saddest part which i just realized yesterday morning. Darn it man, darn it. he told me that this lady, GALE, told him that she will get a beer for him. so i'm really supportive and told him that i think that lady has a crush on him. he was like, happy and his ears are clapping, if you know what i mean. a few moments later he invited me to take a seat and rest first and stuff. ok as what i've said i'm pretty supportive. but i never felt that he's supportive to me like he would be there for me, as i'm always with him all night. during that night ferdie decided to go home because he's drunk and he will attend a wedding on sunday. i told him to stay longer, ron saud that too. so we just escorted him to get a taxi. the saddest, pathetic part was, ron and ferdie was the only perople that are talking and it's like they both ignoring me. what i felt was ron is not comfortable to talk with me. is it because i talk non sense? you know what if that's the case what i want is for you to tell me so i won't look stupid enough to be with your company. as what i told him i'm a loner person. i can live my life with my own darn freaking self.

anyhoo, when we escorted him to get a taxi, i told my tl to watch over my bag and we'll just escort our friend, ferdie to get a taxi. we did not get a taxi immediately because a lot of people are waiting also to get a taxi, i think we've waited for a taxi about 30 minutes or more. while we were waiting both of them were having a conversation, take note just both of them. then suddenly a lady passed by and so they had their own voncersation without me. ok so here's mister pathetic getting out of place. then finally ferdie got a taxi and we went back to the venue. when we finally came back our tl already left with his dominions, yeah like dominions of hell. i thought that they already went home, because tl messaged me yesterday that she was sorry that they left our things in the venue without realizing that my bag was still there. thankfully my bag was kept by the waiter in the venue. so both me and ron was so mad and discouraged by her. she said that she had an emergency call the reason why she left. in tagalog, walang sikretong di nabubunyag. because i just found out that it was not an emergency. they left to get drunk at another venue, becasue the party's over. i'm really discoraged about that just today. if only i could shout at her.

well anyhoo, i got home around 3 am and my mom was mad, but it was not that serious.

Got Over It

another day, another struggle. well by the way i've already recovered from being weary and being worry. i kinda like it when i don't think about someone too eargerly. i wish i'd stay the same like this for the rest of my life. well basically i don't want to keep expecting for something that i know it ain't coming. i really wanted to hope for something good, for my family, work and my own self. i don't want to think about being happy with a friend or something like it. i would want to be happy because of my freaking self and my family and people who i would help. thank goodness this did not last so long. the feeling has passed. i never, ever want that feeling anymore. it's such a hassle and burden in my heart. if i could be something wealthy, well everythings gonna be fine for me. sometimes i always think that the reason why i don't have a social life is because i think being wealthy will bring you to a happy social life. money talks. i think that if you have a lot of money people would always and will do accompany you. life is so sad. i'm so pathetic by thinking that way. i will be something, someone when the time comes.

all i want now is to assemble my computer. i hope that lj won't forget about it because it's very annoying thinking that somethings gonna happen then suddenly it will be post poned or suspended. My God! that's frustrating and depressing. i promise that i would be good. someday, somehow i'm gonna be good and great. if not, it will ..... i wanted to become a successful, satisfied and happy person. i should do something to be one. i'm trying my best but i'm not recognized or complemented. because i do believe that it's not yet my time, sooner or later it will be, it's just that it's not for now...

pathetic

friday, todays friday. last night i was emoting about the person that is very special to me. well i'm just a little paranoid about stuff. now so sad that my seatmate and that person have something in common. they both like music, some stuff like material things and they can talk about stuff that are pretty common to them. unlike me i'm a loser. don't know much about things. i keep on having a coversation that is about someone that i hate, annoying and frustrating. well i pity myself for that because i'm a loser and i feel like i'm worthless. a while ago he came in the room and invited me to have a smoke and for him to to eat his breakfast. ok so we had some conversation on what he did last night, about his conversation with our tl. so he's very happy. while we were talking about stuff, i tried to tell him indirectly that i wanted to go to his place but of course he really does not know what i'm intending to say. well i don't know if he knows it but i'm not expecting anything about that. hopefully he would realize that. my god, what's happening to me? i don't know how i'll get over this stupid feeling. that's my problem once i met someone, especially a friend, that i'm willing to hang out with, i intend to always go after that person. o well i'm not really sure about myself. i wanted to get this feeling away. if only i could turn back time where i stated my life as a nothing. *ehem* loser!
please help me get this feelings away. if only i could have an amnesia right now, what a relief that is. o common i wanted to be simple again. why do i have to experience stuff like this. is this really my destiny? somebody kill me please!

life is so sad, my life is so sad. i'm so pissed, frustrated, exhausted, tired and fed up. ok so here i am so pathetic and i really wanted to cry just to release my fear, sadness and weary. if only they could understand me. if only they know what its like to be me. maybe they would be with me, to comfort and to be loved. i always wished to die or if not to have an amnesia or get crazy. ok just right now, they are talking with each other and not minding me. but but suddenly they've talked to me and asked me how much i bought my mouse. ok so we had a less than a minute talk and done.

just right now they both are whispering at each other about stuff and they don't care about me. they don't let me join them. o well that's life. in that gesture i see that they don't really like to talk to me coz i talk senselessly and worthlessly. the real truth is that i'm really isolated in this class. garsh! my life really sucks. what a wonderful life.

as much as i would like to avoid them, there's something in me that calls me to get along with them. is it because that's the real me? or because i'm pretending to be someone else or something else? i know they have their own life. o common give me some sign. i don't wanna be a loser all my life.


ito nagpapa-awa effect ako...nakakainis kasi sobrang napipikon ako sa sarili ko. i just wanna be extraordinary is that a lot to ask? Garsh! i'm so fed up with my routinary shit bitch life. life's a bitch. is there a cure for this? if only i have the strength to kill myself, or to commit suicide, i would have been dead since then. this life really sucks. i'm not blaming GOD or anyone, but it's just that it's me. this is me. and i really abhor of what i have become. ok common laugh, have some fun while i'm being emotional here., gees.

i really wish that time would go back when i was born. so that i could change what i have become now. if only i was more intelligent and smarter then life would be better living for me. but well i'm a loser! loser! loser!

my life is so sad and truly pathetic. no one would understand and would care to understand. duh as in T-H-E, duh. can you tell me how will i survive? can somebody just freaking tell me. please. it's so unbelievable i'm so worthless and pathetic. i thought i was strong. but it comes out that i'm ultimately weak and stupid.

it's 10:51 am on my system clock. an hour to lunch. i wonder how will i survive it. i wonder if he would mind coming with me to buy food. because everytime he needs to buy something down stairs i always come with him. i don't know if he will attempt to come with me or if he will acompany me down stairs just like i do when he needs to buy food downstairs. i know all of us are different, well ado have our own personalities. but i know that all people have considerations or kindness. i'll observe that. if not, well that's what you call being a loser, and that's me.

i wanna break free with this feelings because i don't like the feeling.

my seat mate cheecked hiswork with our tl then i told our tl to check mine also, but she checked my seatmate's seatmate, which is the person i was talking about. ok isolation here i come.
ayaw ko na talaga.

ok whatever happeneds today bahala na si batman. i think i'm headed for a breakdown again. i just wanted to happy everyday. there's something in me that pisses me off. my other half is torturing me. i think i'm gollum. something in me that botheres me. if i could do something for myself that would make me worry free then that would be satisfying. life is good. our own selves are in control of what we are now. no one to blame, and no one to hold you back. if you can't deal with the good life, you'll never achieve it.

buti pa sila nakaka relate sa mga topics na dinediscuss. buti pa nga sila nag-uusap. ako ito tahimik lang nag-mumuk-mok. kasi nabwibwisit ako sa mga nang yayari sa akin. sana nga mamatay na ako mamaya.... sawang-sawa na ako sa sarili ko

guess what after lunch i went and go ahead to have a smke. without waiting for him. so i'm alone and no one to talk with. then suddenly he went inside the smoking area. and asked me what's wrong with me, because i'm seem to be quiet, daw. sabi ko sa kanya wala. why would i tell him what's wrong with me and he won't even understand. he does not even text me or ask how i am. sana nga maging alerto sya sa ginagawa ko o wag syang manhid. matalinong tao nga e. i really like those who are smart. right on this very moment he is listening with the disc i've given him. sige lang. i really hope that everythings good fine and clear. i just wanted to be comfortable with my life. hopefully, someday i would meet someone who would die just to see me. you know what i mean? until next time.... wish me luck with my job here. hopefully everythings fine. thanks for your time man.

finally

hi there again. i'm back. well talking about my promises that i promised. well i did not implement that. well here we go again, another sad story about to happen to me. well i found another shit (i mean a friend)and i alaways stick to him during break and lunch. i really don't want to experience the same old thing that happened to me last time with my previous work. i met this guy for a week, to cut the crap short i've accepted him as my bestfriend ever. then suddenly i lost my job and so i lost him. but obviously i got over him and i don't mind him anymore. i just found out that he's not worth having a friend. going back to the main topic with the new friend that i get alng with is a very smart, understanding somehow arrogant when it comes to some situations. but he's great. with the promise i make last time. i said that i on't stick to anone and make them as my best friend. i don't want to experience the last time i felt when i lost my job that that freaking shit just never mind about my messages that i send him and the way i ask how he is. if only i could do something that would make me independent and loner. o yeah i had another problem, well basically i got a new enemy here because he's a prick and slut. he's too arrogant and needs a lot of filters with all the things he is saying or coming out of his mouth. basically the problem was he deliberately swapped the monitors with my seatmate. i was never happy with that so i told that to our trainer and so he was told not to do it and stuff. so he did not talk to me anymore and keeps on saying things that subconciously it is directed to me. of course i'm not a loser and i wont permit him to keep that way. or treat me like that. now b