shoved it on your face

hi there, it's 8:52 pm and i have my new schedule. i'm in night shift again and i kinda like it. well, basically because we have an nd and also i want this schedule because time flies so fast unlike in morning shift. well, i'm gonna miss it anyway. i wonder if it'll be queueing. well that would be better than during day shift. if it's avail, time flies so slow especially if you're not doing anything. basically i'm seeing seagate's face here and i'm irritated. but i was able to manage talking with seagate. that person is acutally teaching me how to make ammends with seagate. because of that person's attitude, i'm making things possibnle now with seagate. so i'm really sorry if that person find me as a liar or what. it's because of that person. i'm feeling ok now. i don't know why i guess i have fully recovered.

by the way CANADA is here. my parents and sisters are asking me to apply with them for CANADA. i will apply, but sometimes i feel like not. i ereally wanted to be alone without them. i wanted to be independent and feel, being alone and not worrying about them. i wonder how it feels to be free.

last saturday, i went to lawrence's house, birthday, well i've enjoyed it. i like it. i was able to play the guitar but i was placed in the spot by his cousin while i was playing the guitar. he is asking me to play a guitar i mean a music or song which i'm not really good at. he is requesting me to play songs that i don't really know the chords. i was really humiliated and shy but that's alright. i just wanted to play the guitar. basically doms was the one who is good with playing guitar. but actually he was sleeping then. but i find the party good and fine and joyful. i was able to meet new people like, monique, and chet. chet is a very, very nice girl. she's not the typical women who are very snooty, snobbish and too quiet. first of all, when i met monique, john's gf, she was so snooty and snobbish which irritated me. i even told myself, akal mo kung sinong maganda. but eventually we were able to have good conversation by catching her interest and also being nice with her. then all through out the night we were talking about stuff like her work and her life with jon, whatsoever. it was fun. then suddenly mom called and asking me to go home because we're having problems in the country itself and she said that it is dangerous. Chet accompanied me to get a ride and taught me where i can take a ride to go home. eventually the place has a ride going to cubao .

well i was so happy because for the mean time, i was able to meet new people to hang out with. they're people that i would say, happy go lucky and a very postive people. those are the kind of people that i should hang out with. not like that person, all i hear from that person are stuff that that person feels, bad things and problems regarding the growth and the situation that is going ion with that person in this company. o well i'll snap out of that person. mwahahahaha! good luck with that person.

it's such a beautiful day. i wonder why i feel so good today? i was able to tell tl that i take my lunch at 30th floor. she said that i'm a loner. but that's alright i don't really care. moving on, it's queueing. calls get through spontaneously and it's killing the time for me to finish this blog. i am happy because at least, jon appreciates my presence in the party and that he said or he asked why did i went home early last saturday. so i told him that my mom asked me to go home already, because she's pretty scared on what's been going on in the country. so we did have a little conversation regarding the politics and stuff. then talked about what had happened after i left the party.

i managed to post my new poem, and i know nobody cares. i do. it's 1:00 am and i just can't wait to take my lunch. i wonder if ferdie would take his lunch with me? i believe he's pretty busy with his job. how i wish i had that freaking job. o well, life goes on, i'll try to be strong. but i wish that i could go to CANADA now. mwahahahahahahaha!

well i took my lunch and unfortunately, ferdie was not able to join me. o well, so i took it by myself. when i entered the pantry, i met roland and so i joined him and finished his lunch first and go ahead and left me. then i met him again in the smoking room. chit chat about christians accident and the donation, or help that we could offer to that guy. well, i'm not promising for me to offer money, because basically, we do need money to. i'm really sorry because i'm a pauper. but basicaly, if i'm independent and i earn for myself, i would definietly give my money. o well, let's just see. moving on, what a day! so sad. so bad. it makes me mad. everything is so routinary in a sense there's no progress. too bad. i still have 20 minutes and counting til i take more calls. will i be able to surpass all these. i'm down on my hands and knees shout on to the heavens on high, i will surpass all these. how i wish.....i hope that i'll be recognized for something. hopefully it'll make me a damn darn person again. precious borja is acting so strange lately, as what i've noticed. i don't klnow, i guess everthing's so blurry and everyone's so fake. well good luck with that.

everytime i tried to talk to pre, this fish, interrupts and butts in. so irritating and pre would give her attention to that fish. so what i do is just to sit down and pretend nothing happeneds. ok no problem, i'm not too eager to mingle with them much and they're not someone important to me at lall. all of the luck and blessings, they may have and i give it to them open arms. god, so pathetic..... i just can't take this anymore. if they thnk that they're on the highest level, well it's free, but basically they're not. going on with my life, i wonder what will happen later on. i'm scared and i'm bothered. i'm even disturned.

i wanted to shove it on their face, that they're not something so nice that everyone would appreciate all of the things they're doing to me. hopefully, they would realize that and of course the most important thing is they show it. they show it through their actions that they've realized that. .

o well so much ado about nothing. it's killing me now. i wonder what are the things possible for me to do to make this shit go away.... o well this is not good at all.someone said, change is good...it helps us grow.... o well so much change, turns out blurry and everyon'es so fake.

i just got pissed off by this INDIAN jerk. very impolite and arrogant o well good luck with him..... it's 4:19 and i still have an hour and 41 minutes to go and i'm oputta here. see you later man....

farewell for a tearjerker pathetic nostalgic bastard!

5:31 am. yesterday, coup de etat was started. we were informed by our shft sup to stay here and make it as an ot. well i did mind about it. my mom messaged me to stayput. but after the shift i've decided to go home and thnakfully it was ok, no problem at all. i've arrived home safe and sound. well, it's getting started again. it's hard to have situations like that. of course all people who are at work will have difficulty to go home. anyway, life is ever so strange so full of change, and you just have to go with the flow.

thankfully it's saturday, tomorrow will be my day off then on monday night, a change of schedule, i need to go to work. i have decided to work out tomorrow and also to do some updating on my computer. i'm wondering why my pc is so slow, but definitely i have installed a lot of software in my computer but i do believe it should not be the case. i have a lot of cds at home, it's all mp3s and i am thinking twice if i should dispose them all or just keep it. that's why i hate cds. at least if you have an mp3 player, you don't have to use any disc and you just need to delete the contents or replace the contents. well basically, i still don't have a budget to buy that portable player. too expensive.

when i have arrived home i immediately sleep. i feel so tired and burn out. i woke up at around 9pm. then i took my dinner and bought my mom a medicine then again went to sleep. now i still feel so sleepy, but i feel so light. i think i have got over with the shits i feel inside. i'm not expecting no more. i feel so alive now. still worried about the promotion. i'm wondering if i'm still in line. my tl is so unpredictable. whatever you see with her action, it does not match with the things she had said to me. i'm pissed off. hopefully, she would somehow let me feel that i'm still in line. that bitch! moving on, i just can't wait til 3 pm so i can go home. by the way, we'll be going to our team mate's house. it's his birthday. i don't know whether to come or just go straight home. sooo irritating.

i took my break. well guess what, that person came in with that person's team mate. well, that person called me by my name. then that's it. we did not even have any conversation. thankfully, kris arrived so i was able to initiate conversation with kris. showing that person that i'm not sad or whatsoever. eventually, that person was just quiet. i'm wondering if that person could not talk because i'm there. it was so funny, for crying out loud. my goodness. talagang di nya ako kinakausap. putangina? mwahahahahahaha! napaka pathetic nya. sobra! ano problematic ba sya? kasi kung hindi nya babaguhin ang ugali nya, worse comes to worse talaga. well, buti na lang i'm ok now. finally, i'm alright, uhuhuhuhuhu, joke! well, goodluck na lang sa kanya. iniisip ko nalang na sya ang lalapit sa akin. so far i know i did nothing wrong. that person was the one who does not approach me to talk and tell me something about that person's life. ok well, that's life anyway. sinasabi ko sayo, ako sobrang sentimental akong tao, sensitive pa at emotional pa, pero pag ito'y nasira sa kahit anong paraan, madali rin akong maka-recover at makalimot. ngayon i'm not feeling so bad about that person. i don't even feel so sad anymore. i don't really care about that person. as what i've said let me live my life as i will let you live your own freaking darn pathetic life. mwahahahahahahaha! good luck with that. basically that person is dragging itself down. dragging itself down (it self so that it's not specified if it's a he or a she.)

MOVING ON, i was able to update my friendster account. i was able to change my background image. pretty good. i'm loving it. anyway, i will start reading the book now, a new book, so i can be busy or something.

well i just took my lunch and kept thinking about what had happened. well i feel good and not so bad about that perosn. well eventually, that person is so pathetic. i don't find myself pathetic anymore and it's not my loss. sooner or later i would find something in me that would make me happy and even satisfy my needs and wants. my life does not go round in that person. so life goes on, so to say. i'm not the one who's at lost here. that person is. i will be able to find solace and i feel it coming. once and for all, i will be able to set myself free. thankfully, recovery was so easy. it flies so fast that definitely i am ok now. i wanted to tell that person, thank you for the good experiences and showing me the way to my growth. showing me how life goes and i like it. i'll be ok now. breaking free from the pain and suffering is just temporary. i thought it will be forever. o well, i am good now. at least i know that i did no wrong to anyone. as long as i make sure that i don't step on to anyone, i feel comfortable and good with that.

o well, life is so ever strange. i'm used from being rejected, then feel dejected, ignored, abandoned and left behind. there's nothing new with that. i just needed someone to talk to, to release this pain and experiences so i will feel ok. at least i have ferdie. and we have the same schedule and so we're ok. i guess that person is starting to find a way to sway away. that's even good. at least that person is making the move and not me. at least i'm not letting that person to feel rejected. i'll be just fine......

i'm wondering if ever i should go to the party. i'm not really sure if i'm going to enjoy it. perhaps there will be a lot of frineds of the person having the party and i will be out of place. too bad. so i'm thinking twice if i should come or not. i don't even have a clue. i think i should not come no more because i'm not really sure on how things will flow on that party. o well, happy birthday anyway to that person, lawrence. i hope it's already 3pm so ican get a rest and have some fun with my computer and sleep and kill myself. yeah is that awesome?

i'm feeling so peculiar. i don't know exactly what would make me inspire to go to work. that person should feel lucky, because at least someone is so inspired to work because of that person. i am inspired to go to work because of that person. well that person made me lost that feeling. that person even made me mad and devastated. everytime i see that person, especially earlier, that person always have a problem with some people that surrounds that person. my advise to him is for him not to feel bad or sorry if other people that person know has already achieved some goals. i believe the reason why that person is not given a chance for promotions is that GOD makes that person feel and somehow make that person's self to change the attitude. that person should not be overly confident about itself. it's not logical that because you're smarter and wiser and even has all the skills, you are qualified to that position or you should be held first to that position. that's bitterness. i believe that that person is not happy for both of us, me and ferdie, well can't blame that person. if that person is planning to either kill itself, quit, or whatsoever, well good luck with that. one thing that i shall promise is, if that person needs me, well i will always be here to hear that person.

so much to say, so much ado, but the topic always discusses all about that person. well, basically it's because that person is extraordinary to me. a lot of things has changed in me and i'm commending that person with that. i'm an appreciative person. i'm also a shy person that's why i don't talk much or utter. hopefully everythings going to change and that i'll be able to drop it, 100%. sooner or later i believe that all the things that i am feeling will settle down and somehow revert me back from where i started.

**sigh** i just can't wait for what's going to happen today or even later. i haven't decided yet whether i should go to the party or to my best friend's place. i've messaged my friend but until now i haven't have any reply yet. perhaps she's busy or she just don't care at all. who knows. if ever she's not available then i guess i should go to the party just to somehow build friendship and closeness with those 2 new cool guys. and to somehow forget that person. mwahahahahaha! what do you think will happen later? i'm pretty much irritating for this question i keep asking, but i just feel so queasy today.

well ferdie told me a while ago that on monday, the queue will increase to 80-90%. i've just realized that it'll be a busy and tiring day. that will be just fine, basically it will help me forget things and people that makes me ill. but too bad i won't be able to post more journals here. but i'll find time. i don't know if ever that person will have the same schedule as mine but i don't mind and i don't care at all knowing it. basically, the reason why i am asking this is i really wanted to sway away from that person. i won't initiate any conversation unless he initiated it. i find that person as a mad man. man who hates the world and mad at the world. now i'm thinking back again about the CANADA agenda. well i will grab that. i will really grab that and make sure to stay there for the rest of my life so i can live my life peacefully and i can live with new surroundings. a major change and make over. i might find someone special there or maybe i would become wiser and smarter. i won't ever forget ferdie. of course i will always email or keep the communication open between us and also if ever i should come back here, i would ask him to see me or visit him. that would be fun.... i have a message let me check it....darn it, it was just my sister sending spam messages. moving on, if and only if i have not received precious message on or before 3pm today, i will go to the party in marikina. no matter what. mwahahahahahahahahahaha! *ehem, ehem*

i just heard from someone, roland, that christian, a co trainee from first aid, had an accident. he fell from 2nd floor of his apartment. i had one thing in mind tha it happened maybe because of his problem with his love life. o well, hopefully that's not the case. basically it happened when he was drunk. it could also lead to that conclusion. so much with the hypothesis one thing to find that out is to visit that person, but i don't know if ever i could or i can visit him. too bad for that. that's how i see how weak that person is when it comes to problems. just to say something about it. i'm also a problematic person but i never arrive or even thiknk to do stuff like that. well maybe it was really an accident. he was really drunk and suddenly he did not notice that he's going to fall. anyway, please help him recover and help him to get well.

so much accidents that is happening. we just need to take care of ourselves to avoid any hassles and more problems. i remember when i had an accident. i was on the back seat of the tricycle. along the intersection a jeep turned left and banged on the tricycle and got my right foot banged on it. it was really painfully and in fact i still have the scar. o well, thankfully, it was not that bad, but i am thinking that it would have an effect in the future. i might have pain or i would feel the after effect of that when i grow older. hopefully not.

well i just decided to go to the party and ok, hopefully it will be fun.

well see you on monday night. ciao romano.

breaking free

well today, i'm sleepy. first aid training just ended yesterday. i did not receive any awards and stuff, of course i'm not really a reliable first aider, in other words, unreliable person i may sound pathetic but that's what i really think of myself. a lot of things just happened yesterday morning. i arrived here at 5am and waited for my friends til 6am to somehow talk to them and stuff. well i did the first move with that person. i tapped that person and asked how that person is. well basically i even seated on that persons side to be able to talk to him and let that person know that i'm there waiting for that person to ask how things are going. i enede up rejected. that person kleeps saying that that person has a lot of things to be done so that person won't be able to talk to us about how things are working. i was hurt. i felt like they don't want to talk to me and stuff. so i stood up and went to the cr, locked myself in one of the cubicles and started to somehow cry and stuff. after a few minutes i went out and seated on my station and never approach them. i just waited for frdie to accompany him to go home, since my shift startrs at 8am, yestreday. i told him about it and i even told him that i have recovered. i really managed to recover from it. i told him that i am starting to forget that person. and so no more contacts and stuff. i deleted all the messages i got rom that person on my email and did the same thing with other people i really don't care. i will be smarter this time. i will be strong. just what pre told me on my email. i should focus more on with the goals in my career and life. i have realized that. so i shal;l do. ok i don't need to be snooty or even snobbish anymore in this company and that i need to interact with any kinds of people in this place. in this messed up place. to be able to grow and succeed. our tl is not around. she'll be back on sunday. i was wondering what would be the occasion once she came back.

o well i'm really freaking sick and tired of these things that are happening to me. so irritating and annoying. i need something to make me live my life. or i guess to die. just to end all these sufferings. well i just took my lunch and i took it upstairs at the 30th floor. i've missed that place because i'v espent my breaks there for 3 days because of the training. i like it there because it's quiet, hasslefree and i want to be alone. of course what i did was give situations to myself regarding some impossible stuff. i also did some reflections with myself. i also tried to release all these memories in my head. starting to free myself and break free from all the situations that just happened.

my bestfriend emailed me. she told me some noble advises regarding wha ti am feeling. she's also asking me to be absent for once and pick her up to hier office. so we can have coffee or two. well, i'm looking forward to it. but i don't know when will i be available. i don't even have enough money. i'm a pauper. for crying out loud. i'm waiting for my dismissal. i can't stand this place no more. i need to breathe. i need some sleep. you know what i'm also barely hanging on. if only i could find something again to make me feel alright. i really wanted to start a new life. change. that's what i need. a major make over. i am feeling a bit lazy right now. in fact i have composed another poem which i'll be posting later on. it's an excerpt from some songs which i can realte to but it's not verbatim. i just based it on those songs. my eyes are tired. i feel like i need some sleep. **sigh** too bad that our training lasted for 3 days. i missed it. i wanted to ask for more. hopefully there will be some uptrainngs for that. so somehow we'll be able to meet again and have fun. anyway, i found a lot of nice people. they're nice that i could just kill them, jkoke. seriously, they're nice. o well, life is ever so strange so full of change and trials.

o well, see you tomorrow.

first aid ever!

hi there it's 6 am and i'm here at work. actually, my shift starts at 8am. basically i'm sick and tired of staying home. i don't want to see their faces for the reason it'll just frustrate me. hopefully today will be an extraordinary day. basically, i wanted to see some people here and i don't want to get used with waking up at 5am just to go to work at 8am. i'll be just waking up at 8 until tomorrow. i mean 5am for our training. but i decided just to get used with waking up the usual time so i won't have to adjust again. anyway, i'm just wondering how the hell will it turn out.

i've started reading the book which i borrowed from ferdie. i was able to forsee about the way how you can do such steps in making sure that everything's will turn out just fine with someone. do you know what i mean?....anyway, it's a shocking book. some statements there are familiar with me. i know that if you're a negative thinkier you are attracting negative vibrations and stuff. well, i think god is leading me to this path to help myself grow and stand tall. i don't know if this has a negative effect on me. what i mean is, KARMA! hopefully there's no karma, so called karma. o well, unless i've tried it, we'll see. i think it's not that bad. o well later on i'll be taking, i mean i'll be reading the other chapters so i can start the spells.

well basically, when i arrived at work i've immediately read my emails and found out that tl is going to cebu to conduct some interview for new applicants. ok so i wonder. i am pissed off again, because i was not given a task. it's always this darn freaking seagate, who is given tasks. she will be in cebu for a week until sunday. i'll be having my training until thursday, or tomorrow. i was not given a task, instead she preferred this fucking idiotic shit head. i really freaking hate it. o well there's nothing i can do about it. so i really wish that i will be transferred to another team. domination is really rampant here. well, what will she say to me? i know, she will say that it's because seagate is in night shift so the task is being given to him, blah, blah, blah.... i don't really trust her anymore. fuck her! she's gonna get hers. for seagate, he'll suffer 10x from what i am feeling, not now but sooner or later. well things are going all the way down. i won't allow them to bring myself down. what i have noticed is this freaking person has something in her that would make people, hope and expect things that are far from the reality. i won't ever allow that anymore. i won't expect much and i assure her, karma is just a step away from her.

o well what is the color of the sky? i guess it's grey. for me it's grey, because ......anywhere i go , anyone i see, it feels like i've been tricked and dejected. that's what they want, sure they'll have it all. but i'm pretty sure that somehow, i am a part of their lives that they'll never forget. they're very and pretty much in denial about me, but i don't care.

downright

hi there, again. it's 5:27 am and i have managed to grab a smoke, and take a nap at our lounge. it felt good coz i was able to somehow, reflect and wonder about certain things. i was annoyed with some peopolle whoo are sleeping there. well, first of all, because they are so noisy. some just slammed the door without thinking that there are people who are actually sleeping. what a selfish bastard, isn't it? last night me and my sister had a fight. because of that stupid darn, computer. well we've said a lot of things that hurt each other. i have realized that i have changed a lot. it's an awful downright change. i'm pretty scared. i was sorry but i did not let them feel that i was sorry. anyway, i apologize for acting so brave and stubborn and downright arrogant. well i'm not proud of it because that's so bad. then while my mom was lecturing me about how i acted. i was not able to control myself so i banged the table becasue of my annoyance and satiety. too bad. so my mom got mad at me more. she asked me why did i do that. so i've managed to go in the bathroom and cry and freak out there, inside. i punched and banged the wall. then cried and cried and cried for more just to release all the bad energies inside of me. thankfully i was able to sleep well and when i woke up i felt like light but a bit queasy. anyway, i really want them to go away. i wanted to be independent, like i would have to think of my freaking self. i hope when she or my sister already is in Ireland, i hope she has an option to bring with her 2 people. so i would have to say, my mom and all of them. so i could be alone and happy and independent and free with all the decisions that i have in mind. i don't ever wanted to stay with them as long as i am breathing. not because i don't love them or something but it's because i wanted to find myself and search for my solace and of course my self.

you know what, just an interruption, my seatmate just arrived and i'm pretty darn so annoyed with him. so unethical, he keeps banging my chair so the tendency is to interrupt me. he does not even say sorry or what i'm saying is apologize. so arrogant and reckless. well one thing, good luck with your life. ..... earlier when i arrived here at work, tl noticed my hair and began to comment on my hair. she said that it's better for me to have a natural hair that using gel and some hair styling cosmetics. she said that i look like an f4. crap! i just laughed outside but on the inside i was pissed off. not being pretentious but of course it's an act of being professional. i'm not flattered with that.

i saw ferdie , he was doing some tasks which he dreamed of. he was able to bring the book that he was talking about. i'm so excited that i wanted to read it now. so i could start meditating and doing stuff that the book imposes. o well i wonder how it is and how will it be effective. hopefully it'll be pretty easy and stuff. by the way i just finished readng the ARTEMIS FOWL 3rd book, yesterday. it was fun actually and that i pretty much know now that it really has a 4th book with the flow of the story. i can't wait to read it. right now i am wondering how come i was so eager to read books. i am actually planning to read all dan brown's book which my sister has. pretty odd for me. i guess the prayers that i've asked was being given to me slowly or was answered, downright slowly. i appreciate it. what a pathetic bastard.

i am wishing for a new, extraordinary and successful change in my life. so i could breathe and live life pretty much, accordingly. i don't know but i do believe that's what i want. i am also wondering what could happen today. i hope everything's gonna be fine. how i wish.

is there anything new? is there anything interesting? i am starting to build a new satiety. i'm pretty much and downright satiate with wht's going on with my life now. i don't know if i have to happy, sad, mad, or just stay as what ia m. it's 5:54 am and i haven't think of something worth life living for. i don't know if ever i'll be happy or should i be worried when i come home. basically, i will be scolded and lectured with what just happened last night. i don't care, as long as they're gone, it'll be appreciated. i'm so selfish, dissatisfied and reckless. i am feeling it right now, while i am writing these craps in me. will i be able to see my future. do you think this is my future. i do believe that the future is what you have in hamds right now. i am pretty scared.

o well we have training, first aid. and it'll start at 8am to 5 pm and i have to stay here until 5 pm. darn it. but tomorrow and on thursday my shift will start at 8am. new schedule and pretty scared what will be the outcome of that.. i don't know if i should be happy or sad.

i suddenly realized that i can email precious using my email here at the office. goodness, gracious, how stu----pid! i emailed her the picture taken last feb 2. she actually messaged me and said that she missed me and how am i, i replied that i'm not ok at all. and i wanted to tell her everything. i guess it's about time to talk to her. i don't care whatever shit my parent and sisters are telling me about their impression with her. she's my friend. i find her good and nice. based on others perspective from her, is good and a friend to die for.

anyway got to go now, probably i'll see you on friday? i don't know. see you around anyway

connecting situation......

Horoscope: 02182006
After what may seem like months of dealing with cranky, unfriendly people who aren't at all open to seeing things your way, you've arrived at a better way of doing things: you're going to ignore them -- and, better still, you're going to ignore them long-distance. You've got the brochures, you've talked to the travel agents, and you've chosen a location. But do you really want to go alone?
Fortune:
You find beauty in ordinary things, do not lose this ability.
hi there, earlier i just checked my horoscope and fortune for today and so i've posted it here. just read through it. well i wanted to comment that it's really freaking true and i'm really, literally doing the same thing as what had mentioned and the question is, Do I really want to go alone? mwahahahahahaha! funny how it seems. but i think my answer to that is, SIRET! i can't really think straight about it. i guess i would just have to answer that onces i'm on that situation. growth is essential for human body and for it's spiritual and mental and emotional being. so i guess that will help me grow and stand tall. anyway, i'm able to manage to not to think about that person anymore and i can live my life now. see, i told you i can recover much easily. if that person stopped lingering ni my mind, that's a freaking cool and fun day. tahoo!

earlier when i went to the smoking area i was bale to mingle with people inside. then when i left the room, i suddenly saw that person stood up and so i sway away my eyes off him and took an alternate route to avoid from seeing that person. then i went ahead and prepared myself and tl approached us here in our station. she's pretty upset she's just not showing it obviously but i can feel it. she asked us why we're isolating ourselves and stuff, and stuff, and stuff. ok i told her that i got used with this station. so i said statring on tuesday i will be seated on my proper station. then when she left us. i started to tell ferdie that i hate that station because i hate them, seeing them with fish and it's dominions. they seem are the only ones mingling and having fun and stuff but when it comes to us i feel like i'm ignored, rejected, abhored and for that reason i'm starting to feel dejected. too bad. life is wonderful as the expression goes. i even told ferdie that i'm going to miss him. he will be transferred in night shift and i'm still in morning shift. we are really being separated. those assholes. i hope that they all get their karma, instantly but slowly, that they could feel it so smoothly and would make them feel like they could die. just what i am feeling. i really freaking hate them, especially THAT PERSON.

That person even managed to email me. you know what i did? i did not open it. i left it open and i never attempted to read it. i would just feel abnoxious about what the message is and i will feel bad again and feel dejected. i'm fed up and pissed off with their egos and selfishness. i hope they die? or even go away to make this stop! i don't really want to wait for them to acknowledge me because i'm not feeling it anymore. i would just make a change for the rest of my life, a major change. so help me GOD! if they come around, ok well and good. if not, KEBER! let me live my life. i don't ignore, reject abanmdon or even humiliate anyone. bunless they give me a reason not to. i can say now that i'm a good firend, but it's just that they don't appreciate it. they would only appreciate you because you've provided themwith something they need. after that, goodbye! bye, bye belinda, bye bye, as the expression goes

o well took my lunch again at jollibee with ferdie and had a chit chat with anything under the sun and laughed out loud. then when we went upstairs, i decided to grab a smoke then went ahead and for the first time, went to the lounge to sit and wonder and reflect about things. then i just realized that i'm already sleeping. i feel so good staying there and taking a nap. well i ave a new routine. i'll go ahead and take a nap there if i have enough time in my luncgh. that's a good thing. mwahahahahahaha! well basically i like the ambience of alone in a room, sitting on a comfortablechair. well i guess one day i'll be sleeping here, if it's my day off and even stay here and take a bath. since the shower room is alreday available in this comany. yeba!

o well so much to say, so much to do, but i just don't have any idea what it is.



o well i was able to relay to ferdie what i was feeling and it made me feel ok and i was abl to release this emotional stuff within. i am so lucky that i have met him. although he's a bit jumpy and sassy, but he's ok. one thing that i hated is that he will be transferred to night shift and so i'll be alone again. i hate it. i don't really like it and i'm pissed off. why do i have to be separated with the best buddy ever? what did i do wrong? is it too much to handle? what the fuck is going on? coz i pretty much don't know what's wrong here. uhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu! o well life is so unpredictable , whatumacolit! anyway, , as the expression goes. moving on, there might be greater things that will and may happen, i believe. no one knows. you'll never know. i don't want to think of the possible things that could go smooth but i'll just leave it to it's hands. i'll leave it to batman's hands. i may be so stupid and close-minded, but i don't rely much with the benefit of the doubt, from now on. as i can see things, clearly, it's all crap, bullshit and gibberish. i don't want to expect more with those people. they all suck. i'll go back to my domicile and have my life back. in that way i am happy and comfy. i'm really frustrated by those people's apathy it makes me queasy. o well one day, i'll learn how to drop all of this torments. then it'll fall on them. so they could feel what i am feeling. let's just see if they won't come to me for some help. hopefully, it'll happen so they can see how sincere i am. **sigh**




i have checked the email which that person sent us. well it's all about this signature on that person's email. what a copy cat. i won't ever expect much from that person, from now on. i may look and feel like emotional, sentimental,pathetic and queasy and pissed off, but definitely it is one of my tactics to recover from those pain and torments they had put me through. i really can say now that i' am slowly recovering from it. i'm not worried anymore. i am actually happy. i believe that this person is not happy no more with that person's life. let's see what will that person do. and i'm happy to witness things., mwahahahahahaha! o well, things will go my way sooner or later.

by the way, i haven't decided yet if i would have to meet panther today. i haven't ask permission from my mom, but i haven't decided yet whether to meet that panther guy. that panther had not messaged me yet. i am waiting. these things really are wearing me out. i feel like burnt out. for all of my life, these are the things i feel and i share andpost in my blog. it's so annoying and irritating and i feel like i'm already fed up.

well i just took my last break and i've decided to brgin with me the camera and i took myself pictures in the smoking area. it's fun and i like the pictures i have taken. it's inspiring for me. and by the way i also have taken pictures with ferdie and i'm going to post it on my blog for later. mwahahahaa or perhaps some other day. not right now. anyway, i'm goign to pack up and prepare my things to leave this freaking place. see you again on tuesday, perhps. good day.

as the expression goes.......

another day, another life, another suffering.....good morning! it's 5:30 am and i'm just getting prepared. i was able to relax somehow but then, a lot of things toconsider. first, good news, my sister received a call from an irish employer. well, my sister is going to ireland to work and fulfill her dreams. anyway, good thing that i have ferdie on my side. mwahahahahaha! i really appreciate this guy. at least hes' there to always accompany me. by the way, i received a message from that person. another quote another instance of nothingmess. i don't like to receive messages like that. it does not mean a thing at all. it's a joke and i don't feel like it's sincere and all. so i did mind messaging that person, basically, because i'm sleeping that moment. i just hate it when it happeneds. i'm not expecting for it anymore and yet i keep on getting messages, or it keeps coming back. '

well i can't really decide whether to meet panther or not tomorrow. i'm pretty scared and shy about what's going to happen. i know it's not a typical way of living my life. it'll be so much and too much diversed. i don't know whether if mom would even allow me. i really don't have any idea or clue if i want to. i'm thinking twice. it's a good thing to meet new people but it's not the usual meeting. that person is old enough and i'm aware. that person works in the justice and i believe he's smart and stuff and has a lot of experiences in life. please lord help me and show me signs for me not to go. well i really wanted a change but not like this change. i'm so scared to be humiliated and get rejected because i look terrible and i'm not too attractive. i don't have any experiences but based on the things i read, people are choosy and i definitely know what they want. i admit that i can't give things that they want. it'll be flattering if they like me, but i'm not sure yet about that. o well, life is ever so strange. i'm dowwn on my hands and knees shout on to the heavens on hig, give me a sign for me to identify to meet panther or not. thank you!

i just heard ferdie will be transferred in night shift next week. too bad and yet so sad that we really need to part ways again. everything is getting out of place. i'm left behind. **sigh** o well there's nothing i can do about things like this. well, if this is my destiny, i just have to let it go through. at least somehow, i know whitin myself that i've helped them and i've made them feel that they are important and i value and treasure them, their friendship. i hope things will not change and that things will be the same as we have been since the first time we've met and spent time together. i actually envy them, because at least they can manage to live their lives even without me. they can actually continue with their life. unlike me, i'm really emotional and sensitive with what's happening. i can't barely breathe, sleep and think straight because i'm missing them. that's the problem with being nostalgic and a tearjerker. how i wish i could snap out of being like this.

yesterday i've managed to download mp3s and updated my friendster profile and photos. i've uploaded new photos and so bad i was able to check that persons profile. i hate it and made me feel so bad when i saw that person's profile and pictures. darn it. why is it that, that person is always on my mind. i can't snap out of being so attached with them. they don't seem to care at all anyway. i really hate them for that. but i keep on hoping for some possible things that could happen. when i'm alone, they are inside my head. it's really dragging me down all the way down, like i'm six feet under. or more than that. i did not dream to live my life underground. i did not dream to let anyone drag me down. i only dreamed for them to make me special or feel special and important and being treasured and valued. but i guess they just doin't care at all. argh!

i had put a new name on mt friendster. it is LYro. a new name for me. i like to change names to get away from some pathetic craps. anyway i'm so mislead by all these emotions that i have. it's killing me now. i wonder what else can i do. what will be the other things that would make me satisfied and happy all throughout the day. i'm burnt out. now i'm wondering what i will do after work. i don't know if i should be happy for the moment or enjoy or i just have to die. what do you think? if only someone would just kill me now, as in, now, at this very moment so i can rest in peace. **sigh** i'm so pathetic, i'm so irritated and i'm really getting annoyed. i find myself annoying. make it stop! i hope that person could read all of my journal, and for that person to know what i'm feeling and how i'm feeling and how that person made me feel with the actions that person is just doing. that person does not even have a clue about my life. now i keep getting messages from that person through my phone. i'm ignoring it because i believe that person just felt the guilt when ferdie messaged that person yesterday. well i don't want to force people. i want them to realize the things on their own. man, i hate it when that happeneds. it's so frustrating and devastating for me. o well, life's a bitch! you go with your life and i'll go with my own freaking, pathetic, worthless, stubborn, crappy life. wishing you all the best, wishing you luck, happiness and satisfaction. hope you could see things much clearly now. coz i'm starting to see it now. i think the reason why i'm feeling this way is because they left me hanging here. as what i kept saying, if you don't like me, say it to my face. i admit that i will be mad, feel mad and bad and sad but it's ok. there's nothing i can do with facts. there's no way for me to manipulate the fact. i respect and trust every people, i know. i don't have any doubts at what people are capable of. as long as i have the proof, that's enough to tell me this is not a trustworthy person. i can give my trust to anyone but it's hard for me to trust anyone if they have the reason for me not to. I am a kind of person that would do anything just for anyone, especially to a friend. even if it degrades my being. that's how attached and oriented i am when it comes to friends. people won't realize that. as long as they are gaining something from you, they won't mind the kindness and greatfullness of that person but just see and focus more with the satisfaction you have provided them with, to motivate and encourage them. i know and i'm aware that i should not expect others to be like me. but i do believe with ethics and initiative. well basically, the reason behind these all, is their ego. those bastards. those back stabbing bastards. they're not helping you know. eventhough i'm feeling this way, there's no way form e to blame HIM. i do believe that everything that is happening is a trial and has it's purpose. it's just that i don't exactly know what it'll be. i still believe that i'll be able to search for my solace. it's somewhere out there, i know it's there, waiting for me. please wait for me........




i just checked my email from excite and read my horoscope. here goes.....
"A very close friend or a member of your current peer group -- who means a great deal to you -- has recently found it necessary to go out of their way to tick you off. At least, that's the way it seems. It's worked, too -- better than it should have. You're not just angry, you're furious. Before you let go and let them have it, be sure you're right. Feeling righteous is far better than feeling guilty."

I do believe in this statement and i know it's really happening. i've tried to read that person's horoscoope and somehow it is intertwinde. too bad, that aquarians have to be pathetic all the time. o well that's life anyway, as the expression goes.

o well the day is almost over nad tomorrow will be my last day and i'll be spending my day off again. for now, i haven't decided yet whether i should meet panther. well i'll just ask permission first from my mom and whatever the decion will be, bahala na si batman, let me just leave it to the hands of batman.

Domicile

hi good morning. well basically, i'm on the other station again, because a prick just took my station again. that's alright. anyway i was able to see that person when i arrived at work. basically i think he did not see me because i'm at that persons back. mingling with that person's cellphone. pathetic. anyway, moving on, last night this panther person called me up. i answered the phone. panther really wanted to meet me. i feel so bad because should i be making appointments with him? i'm not really sure and i don't want to loose my integrity and credibility. i know this is a diversed situation. i don't even wnat to talk about it. it will really degrade myself. this is soooo pretty way bad. what the fuck is going on? this is not right after all. well i'm hoping that there will be a change for today. not that kind of change, you know the diversed change...

on the other hand, i've checked my salary yesterday. it pisses me off. i only got 8.5. i wonder why is that? they said that it is because of the taxes and deductions for the month. too bad. i was not able to buy me a pair of shoes. eventually i went there in that shoe shop. i thought it was buy one take one. i thought that it was just 500. basically it's 30% discount and 30% discount is 700 bucks. my goodness, it's not alloted for my budget. my budget was 500. so , **sigh** too sad. this thing happeneds because GOD has or really has a purpose in me. i thank him for that. well there's always another day. or another moment to come for that want.

i just realized that i asked GOD to make that person get away and to sway away from me. now, it is happeining and i'm complaining. i feel so guilty about it. this is not right. anyway, when He do things or does things like these it's always right. there's nothing i can do about it.you know what? i can't barely breathe, sleep, think straight and i'm even confused with the things going on here. if only i could forget all about this stuff. the problem is because i'm always at home and i tend to think about certain situation about that person. it makes me sick, ill and even freak out. it affects my relationship with my family. i seem to carry on the problem onto them. i hate myself for that. i really fucking hate myself. please make it stop, make it go away and make me free and find my solace. **sigh** i just can't find a way and find someone that will make me feel good, happy, important and i feel like i'm not being valued and treasured by people who i value and treasure. to sad, what a tearjerker. i'm tired. i'm freaking so tired and pissed with all these. i wish that icould die just right now. if only i could a finda way to make wverything fine again, then it'll be all good. i wish i did not meet that person. i wish i did not care at all. that person is really influential. i believe in KARMA. that person do believe in KARMA also. so i believe karma is headed towards him, mwahahahahaha! loser!

well tl conducted a meeting, i accidentally glanced on that persons station and i have seen his station and it's already empty. so i felt so bad and felt so hurt, i can barely feel the pain that that person had caused me. then i went ahead and grabbed a smoke and i met that person there. that person greeted me and i just smiled and raised my eyebrows. then went ahead and smoked. i was about to cry but i've managed to control it. thankfully no one noticed my eyes. then my 2 other teamates came in had a chit chat and we laughed and i was able to forget the feeling for just a minute. i went ahead and went back to my station and i unlocked my pc. i started to close my eyes, looked down and covered my eyes with my hand. i was able to relax and meditate to release everything and start all over again. i'm starting to get over that person. and i think i can manage that. i will manage and i shall manage to do that. huh! you prock. i'm not being bitter here. i'm just expressing my anger. that person does not seem to care at all. well that's fine, go and live your life coz i'm going to do the same thing. as long as i have ferdie around, that's ok and i can ;live my life. mwahahahahahaha!

ok while i was writning this, i decided to read the book. then unintentionally, i looked back at me, because of my curiopusity, then i accidentally saw that person. ok i was shocked and trying hard to erase anything that goes in my mind about that person. so i continued reading the book then momentarily that person went by oat our station and said goodbye to tl then turned back, i think hthat person just forgtten to say good bye to me and so that person went back at my station and hand that person's hand, a sign of give me five. so i tapped my hand on that person's hand, then both of us smiled at each other. i felt fine now. i felt a bit fine and yet confused. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet! i hate this feeling. 3 minutes and counting and i'm going to take my lunch. i hope that everythings gonna be fine. **sigh** this is all crap to me. then now cy is being assigned as a floorwalker. ok fine. am i being rejected here? ok i'm yused to it anyway.

i just took my lunch. i went to the smoking room to grab a smoke and ferdie messaged me asking if he has a feedback regarding the call he took yesterday. so far i told him that there's none. i messaged him to mesage that person and sask how that person is. he told me that he just loaded his account now and i'm the first one he messaged me and he will message him now. thanks dude. somehow i lost some pain and torments in my heart. but it's not an assurance and i don't know what to expect. god speed anyway. bahala na si batman. i don't ever wanna loose a friend as what i've been experiencing long before. it's ok but it'll really hurt me so bad and it will lead me to suffering.

i guess i like some suffering, do you think? is it my destiny? o well, that's pretty way too bad. let me just go bck to my DOMICILLE. let me go back to where i started and that i'm aware that this happened and i find a way to avoid it. i guess it's the insticnt. o well, life is so tragic. life's a bitch! being emotional, sensitive and nostalgic and also a tearjerker brings tears to my eyes, mening i tend to cry whenever i feel this shits! i really fucking hate this. can you like prescribe me something to make me change my living and thinking? please, for crying out loud! make me feel that i'm ok alone and all by myself. so that i can go on and move on with my life. i, want, to , be stronger, confident, and wiser. i wish i could train myself andd make myself aware of it. please give me a way and the strength to carry on with my own darn freaking pathetic self and life. come on, i'm summoning you. this is not a joke, this is serious. please lang po! parang awa nyo na. i hope that when i wake up one day or later or tomorrow, i won't feel these pains no more. that i have recovered from these torments. and that iw on't have to think about that person anymore. i should learn to hate that person so i can move on with my own freaking self. as what i was long before. arggggggggggggggh! uhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh!

naiinis na talaga ako. ayaw ko na. sawang-sawa na ako at gusto ko nang makawala dito sa pagiging attach sa mga taong di naman ako pinapahalagahan at tine-tresasure (di ko alam ang tagalog nun, in fact i've asked several people here.) sana makahanap at makatagpo ako ng taong magpapahalaga sa akin at tine-treasure ako. un lang naman ang gusto ko. is it too much to ask? ano ba ang dapat kong gawin para makamtan ko ito? hindi ko talaga maintindihan.

i need some other hububs. this hubub is way too set as priority. i don't want that. why am i feeling so lonely and sad now, when i know it's what i am long before and i never felt so bad about it until now? that person is really a damn influntial person and i hope, i really hope and i summon the heavens up above that that person will feel the same as i do. mwahahahahahahaha!

ferdie messaged me again and he already received the message from that person. that person told ferdie that that person is so sorry and guessing that that person is just preoccupied. i just laughed, smiled and then sobbed then started to cry. funny reaction, isn't it? too bad. o well, i guess i do have a new reason for me self....."I'm PREOCCUPIED!!!!!", mwahahahahahahaha! for crying out loud, FUCK YOU!

o well i'm back to my inocence and i'm calm and i feel light and i feel darn freaking annoyed irritated, mad and upset! garsh! what the fuck is that supposed to mean? you're preoccupied and stuff and stuff and stuff. i can't seem to understand that and i can't even barely absorb it. ok so if i find somnething not good with them, i'll sway away and tell them, i'm preoccupied. i'll try my very damn self to just make excuses and forget about them. am i just another echo? i said i don't want to be just another echo. then suddenly sunday, here i am, just an echo. BUSET! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! if you can barely see me now and how mad i am with this. one more thing that person is planning to go to ferdie's place. nakuha mo pang ganun. tapos, what will happen is just to mingle with that darn phone of yours? why don't you just make ammends and have fun and go to videoke bars with you darn self and darn freaking cellphone? isn't it good. right now, i'm just laughing at others here and talking to them like i don't have a problem but basically i'm freaking pissed off. just to get a way from this messed up situation. putang ina mo talga! i just realized, the more i get information the more i get pissed and so i have decided not to do any moves and just stick with my intuition and decisions. my decision is to just drop all of these. drop all of this stupid infatuations flakiness and patheticness. i'm looking forward to meet new people that would meet the standards that i wanted. good luck. i'll snap out of this blog thing, i'll just keep myself cool and at ease. that's pretty good enough.

when that person's down fall comes around, i'll be waiting. mwahahahahahaha! but i will still be here. to hear and listen to that person.

i don't know who just called me on my phone. basically i pressed f3 and someone called and informed me to go auto in. i said to myself, how can i go on auto in if you called. it pisses me off.

basically, cy was assigned as the fw for the day. wow, i'm really envious. actually, my question is why was he assigned, why not me. that's unreasonable. i thought she would assign me. and so i'm here, bitter and all, and i hated myself for being or feeling that way. garsh this is agony. i hate it man! in other words, or to cut it short, i'm insecure. argh! i hate it man. i'm not like this. why am i feeling it now? is this the effect of the cigar i'm taking. or is it because i'm darn stupid, dumb and worthless. well i guess both. aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!

so far everyhtings gonna be ok. i have to go to bench later to buy me a styling gum. i've run out of it and i need to have one again to style me freaking ugly hair. ciao. see you tomorrow to share another sad, pathetic story. one thing is FUCK YOU ATOY! you're one darn asshole!

I'M FREAKING FED UP.........uhuhuhuhuhuhu!

hi good morning. it's 5:52 am and i'm in a different workstation again. that's fine at least i don't have to worry about people that surrounds me. ok moving on, last night, i was able to write a letter for that person. it's something loike, a message intended for him. as if he could hear me or even, as if i will send it to him. well i'm not going to send it to him. i wrote that just to release my anger and pain from within. well i guess he won't mind. i don't care. as long as that person needs me, well i'm here. that person can just use me whenever and however and wherever he wanted. i'll always hear that person. i just realized that, it is my purpose. to be used up until they've consumed all the things they wanted from me. i don't know what it is, but i believe something in me. "who wants to be a millionaire?

thankfully, i was able to build rapport and happiness with my mom yesterday. i pity her pretty much, but i just don't care and do things to show that i care for her. i guess it's because of my ego and pride. well i really wanted an extreme change. i hope i won't have to worry and have wearies about, you know, people like that person. at least i will feel alive. i received a letter from BPI. i applied for a credit card. of course i was denied and they're offering another promotion and option that i can get. well it's not my loss. good luck with their business. mwahahahahaha! i guess GOD has a purpose why i was denied. that's alright and i don't really care. "

earlier, i went to the smoiking room. i met Mark. he's so nice and comfortable to talk with. he's nice in general. at least he manage to remember me and even to talk with me. anyway, i still have the word deceit in my mind. moving on, we talked about stuff and stuff and stuff, then stopped because others went in the room. i stopped for a moment, then sat on the floor. then my 2 batchmates came in and had a few chitchats about their craziness in life. then i was left in the room. then few minutes later new people just came in and so momentarily i left the rroom. then went straight to my station and opened up my tools and kept checking my usual station. well i'm not planning to transfer there since i've already, setup my tools in this current station where i'm at.

honestly, there are things that goes into my head and i don't want to think about it. it's pissing me off. bahala ka sa buhay mo! you have your life, i have my life too, so let me live my life. moving on, i've emailed ferdie, asking him what did precious say to her. well i don't have any reply yet. still waiting. what in the world is going on here? i don't even have any clue. i'm not really excited because it's pay day. it's such a disgrace. you'll get your money then automatically you have to pay for these freaking bills and wondering if there will be left. anyway, let's just move on ith the rest of the day.

well we had a meeting again. regarding the recogniton for the best team ever. ok i was pissed off. i hated it. after the meeting, i went and took myy first break ever. then i finally saw that person. asked me how i was and stuff. told me that , that person already listened to the cd, kenny g, and it was good and stuff. i did not talk much then he left. ok so waht's the commotion? GOD, what a bummer. so irritating. why do i have to see that person. i'm not expecting to see that person. i don't want to bring back the feelings and stuff. now it made me feel so sad, bad and evidently mad. well good luck. hope you have a nice life. so long sucker! you go ahead and have fun with your wonderful life, beautiful to be specific. uhuhuhuhuhu! i don't like this. i hate myself. i hate my freaking face and all. gees, this is so annoying. another dumb soliloquy. this is not what i wanted after all. but it keeps coming back to me. argh!

here i go again with my patheticness. why do i have to suffer like this. why do i have to carry out this burdens i have and i feel inside. it's a hassle and unlikely unpleasant to me. so that's it? how are you and i like the disc it's nice? that's it? is there anything else you can say. i guess you are the one who had abandoned us. not us. you're so inconsiderate. selfish and reckless. you don't exactly know what i'm feeling right now. i thought friendship will last for a life time. you were and you are deceiving. you're the one who's pretentious. why don't you just kill me now? i wish i'd never met you. i wish i can go to canada now and start living there. if i finally manage to forget you, don't you ever mingle with me. damn you! you know what, i want to sleep now. i want to wake up until tomorrow. i don't wanna think about this. .it's really dragging me down. i'm going to read the book that ia m reading.

well i took myy lunch with ferdie and with rikk. well we've talked about stuff and stuff and stuff. i even managed to talk with rikk, coz i've noticed that he's beginning to get out of place. i'm not comfortable with that. it's ok if it's me. as long as others don't feel that. it'll be ok. then went ahead and grabbed a smoke and i've met jp and rikk also. we've had conversation like, dubai and some situations during a call and i was amazed that they were able to laugh at my jokes. that's a good experience and i was bale to set aside for a moment my confusions, pain, wearies and uneasiness. but now, still thinkng about it. darn it. why can't it just go away. well anyway i don't know whether i should be happy or sad. today's payday. i am planing to buy me a pair of shoes and of course that sim reader. i don't know whether if it is still available. hopefully, it is. i even wonder if it will still be available. i just checked my clock and i still have 7 minutes and counting til i take another call.

by the way, before i take my lunch, i had a coaching session with my tl. talked about what best practices i'm doing to achieve my targets exceedingly. well, one thing i said was to do the best thing you are doing. i told her that as far as i know i just maintain what and how is my call flow to achieve it. i'm not really particular with the stats. as long as you know you're doing just fine, that's good enough. she find me not too confident. because i'm setting too much expectation that i will try but not promising anything. so it's bad. i don't know. it's because i'm too humble and so it's too bad. too much of something is really bad enough. i understand that. anyway, just being what i am. o men, i'm so tired and sick of this all. i wonder what will be the outcome of everything i am doing here. o well, life goes on......hopefully this will be the company that would help me grow and stand tall. eventhough a lot of people i meet drags me down, does not value or treasure my friendship, that's ok. as long as i can live my life, that's good enough. as long as i don't step on anyone, i don't demotivate thnm and discourage them, i think that's good enough. in addition is as long as i help them and feel or make them feel that i'm here to encourage and motivate them without them appreciating that. i know god knows...odo you get what i mean? ok i got 2 minutes left. see you around.....

welll i kept trying to look and download a crack for the opm2 software. it seems so hard to look for the exact version that i had installed in my system. datrn t. anyway i'll kjeep looking.....well it ended up nothing and unworthy. i was not able to find any available crack for it. i think i just need to wait for about a month and so to have it available. darn it.

i'm still thinking if ever i should buy me a sim reader. i'm a bit confused and pissed off. ...will you give me any new scenarios here and changes so i can motivate myself and make my day so exciting? geees, i'm so tired of thinknig shits and all. i'm so fed up and i'm pretty tired. barely tired. my mind is restless. i can't think straight. i kept thinknig of things to make me happy and at ease. it is so unpleasant that i need to feel this way. sinusumpa ko talaga na mararanasan nya ang nararanasan ko ngayon at he'll ask for me to help and guide him with all the sufferings at doon nya mare-realize lahat! sinusumpa ko talaga!

aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

i'm so amazed and inspired like i could kill them especially him!

anyway, it's 1:39 pm. the day is almost done. ok it'll be a happy day. i wonder how much will i get today. hopefully it's 2 digits, how i wish. well gotta park my hands (baduy!) see you again perhaps tomorrow? how i wish i'm dead tomorrow. anyway, whatever happened to me, just be there and whoever reads this blogs that i'm posting, you'll stay inquisitive aboout these posts. good luck!

ease of pain.......hmmmmm....

hello! i'm back again. it's been days, since i've been trying to recover. well, today, i feel so happy and feel easy. i wish i'll be like this for all of my life. i've been reading books and it's a good start for a new life?, whatsoever! well i like the story of the book that i'm reading. my sister said and actually compared it from another book which was eventually made as a movie. well i don't care, as long as i'm liking the book, i don't have to compare it to another book. well i never really liked that book, or shall i say the movie. it's confusing and i really don't like the flow of the story. well anyway snap out of that story.

first of all, HAPPY VALENTINE'sDAY! today's the fourteenth of February. i just realized that i'm wearing red shirt. wheen i approached to the smoking room, this TL laughed at my shirt. i was a bit concious because i was thinking that i'm wearing a girl's shirt because of the print. it says BONITA. my mom gave ti to me. ok, that FISH! anyway, i did not mind as long as it's not fit or anything that would make me look like a diversed person, it's ok. walang pakialamana pwede ba! i wonder where our TL is. she assigned this seagate, barracuda, voldemort, he who must not be named, boastful, scalawag. ok i'm not affecte by for sure i'm not going to acknowledge or you know, whatever interaction needed to him. just leave me alone prick!

it's 5:31 am and waiting until i get on my headset and talk to these , you know, clients. i just can't wait til i go home, again?

my sister talked to me last night regarding the way our spending takes place. how our mom, handles the money for spending. well, i did not questioned my mom regarding that because for sure, i know i've paid my credit card. well basically she has a plan and she's going to relay it to our mom. hopefully, my mom won't get mad, or get depressed and also demotivated by that. our mom is too sensitive, as what i have inherited. i hope she would understand and that she won't be too sad to hear it or even feel bad about it. i hate seeing this scalawag here. i've read his email and his signature is, he wanted to be a TL of Siemens. ok go for it, you egocentric, selfish, prick jerk. o well, we never know how will it flow. it's possible that he would be the first one to become a TL and i'll never be, or vise versa or whatsoever. so many probabilities, and we just have to see it, until the time comes. i'm not being hypocrite. i will be happy for him if he becomes one. i'm not against that. but though i hate it when he boast around about it. it sucks, and it makes me irritated. how i wish ferdie, arrived aso i can have someone to talk to.

another day, another sad, pathetic, nostalgic, tearjerky, feeling. o well, come what may and hopefully everythings gonna be fine. mwahahahahahahaha!

a while ago, when i woke up, our neighbor is too noisy. they seem to talk so loud that you can barely hear them. they even manage to fire their pellete gun that it reaches our house's roof. i was outside the house wating my breakfast. i was shocked that it coud hit me on the head oir my eyes. then evidently when they've sensed that someone's awake they all disappear and the moment was quiet. those prick. palibhasa kasi, kagawad sila at malakas ang loob. they're so inconsiderate. how i wish they would regret the things thay are doing. i just thought to inform the baranggay about that so they would be notified t o stop what they're doing. it disturbs the community. o well they will find someone their own size. right now as oof the moment, this FISH's minion is so noisy. he speaks and talks so loud that makes me irritated and annoyed. you don't have to talk so loud. be soncisiderate that some poeople are also taking calls and your so noisy.

basically, right now, people are standing at this message board for valentines.o well i'm not really amazed like i could kill them. i'm not in love by the way. i do respect the event but i'm not into it deeply. i don't really care. i'm currently taking the exam and we were given 2 hours to take it and finish it. well i'm done, i'm just consuming the hours given, just to sway away from taking calls. my mom messaged me and greeted me happy valentines day. i messaged her back and replied the same thing. i guess mom is already waken and wathcing UNANG HIRIT! anyway, i'm pretending that i'm still taking the exam. i've messaged or emailed ferdie and i get no reply. this selfish metallic teeth, jerk. o well, let him live his own freaking life. i just can't wait til day off arrives. what would be the other thing, or what would possibly go wrong? well actually, everyday of my life goes wrong, so i could not imagine for me to say that. duh!

I wanted to live my life accordingly, like, i'm not feeling pathetic, nostalgic, tearjerky specie. i just submitted my exam and i got 61 and so i've passed and i'm a certified technician and that's only for a year. ok so it'll expire feb 14 2007. i wonder if i'll be still here.... moving on, fish and his minions asked me about my score and i did not care. so what if they've got the highest score, well i'm happy for them and don't they compare myself to them because basically i'm ahead of them in terms of profesionalism and stuff....mwahahahaha! it's just a test and i don't really care much about it. it does not measure your whole being.


i just took and actally i'm taking my break as per tl's request. i was not able to consume 2 hours. what could possible go right tomorrow? today or later? haaaaay, i'm so bored. how can i set aside myself from this boredom and weariness? can you tell me? i still have 3 minutes and counting til i take calls again. what a boring, routinary lifestyle. i'm wondering how much will i earn or i will have for my salary tomorrow. well i'm planning to buy me a pair of shoes and a sim reader to transfer all of my messages to my computer so i will have a collection of messages which people had sent me. those are special messages. i wonder if that's cool enough to buy. hopefully it won't cost much. i will have to save money from now on because life nowadays is not that easy.

a while ago while i was smoking, i used to think of things, imagine things or having an illusions of stupid stuff. i don't want to specify it here, it's really humiliating. la lang, just wanted to think o fnice things for me to be enlightened. i used to think things that would enlighten me. anything under the sun. i know it's pretty way too worthless and inappropriate. very well, kjust as long as i'm here, i can still breathe, i can still sleep, ican still live my life, that will be alright, don't you think? everyday is just an ordinary day. gonna have to find a way to make it exrtaordinary. isn't that cool. i don't even have a clue what it is to make it extraordinary. what a bum. i will try my best to think of stuff that would make it good, somehow. i know i'm not making sense at all but i do know what i'm talking about. i will be free. actually, i'm starting to break free from these thoughts. i'm not feeling so bad now. anyway i know it's my idea. i don't want to plan things for tomorrow but i know what i'll do. i don't want to assume because for sure it'll turn out the way i did not think of. let's just see and wonder. mwahahahahaha!

i still have 4 hours to go til the shift ends. o well i just took continuous calls. non stop. it's queueuing. anyway, i'll see you tomorrow.about some updates and shits. ciao.

STRONGER?

hi good morning i'm currently composing a poem. a new poem which will start my day today. by the way i just finished erading the book. well i found a lot of statements there which i underlined. it really informs me about the way i feel. i should not feel bad about it, as what it says. well it's really an inspirational book to me. i love it. eventhough it's a different religion, at least somehow it relates to my life. i won't read books which is published by a m.... you know, because their lifestyle are too much diversed and contradictory withtheir acts. moving on, i brought me the other book that i bought last december, Artemis Fowl. I'm going to start reading it today, again. i've started reading it when i bought it but i need to refresh myself because i di stop reading it about a week so i need to refresh myself. i'm still thinking what next line i should add to my peopm.

well that peson approached me on my station just to say good bye. i was on a call. what id id, i just raised my hand to say good bye with a snooty face. well i don't care na talaga. i've realized things. i wanted to show that person that i don't really care much about that person's ego and selfishness. huh! i've learned and i believe that being free from torments and people who does not value you is a start for a change and it's not a loss. you may be thinking that i'm bad, but based on others perceptions and perspectives, it's not bad, it's the right thing. now i will show him that i will be like him, ignore, and won't mind at all. i will really let that person feel what i'm feeling. let's see if that person really value my friendship with him. i may not be the best person for that person, but i know for sure, that person will come back. i believe that he feels me, that person feels that i value that person, and so that person is being egocentric, and so i will show it to that person. huh! who's scared now. i've managed to clear myself from these anxieties and torments, pain, rejection, abandonment and stuff. thanks to the book! it taught me how to live. i really don't have to get stuck with those kind people. mwahahahahahahahaha! i will be stronger and tougher from now on. i'll just do what i gota do, and everythings fine again.

earlier she messaged me and asked if i received the message she sent me yuesterday. i said yes, then she replied that why don't i say something more about it. then said that she can't manage to gauage to me because of my mood and stuff. well i don't need to explain things, as what i've learned from the book, bahala ka na kung ano interpretation mo sa akin. i don't care. if you think that i'm mad or the team is eating me, well i don't need any explanation to do. even on that person i don't have some explaining to do. i'm not scared now, and i may find someoine like you, numb, insensitive and egocentric, but i'm still hoping that i will meet someone unlikely you, and would be more sensitive, kind and understanding. well i'll just look forward to it and leave my past behind me. it's a junk. what's important is your future sake and what you are now. so i am much stronger now, BITCH!



i took my lucnh with ferdie and told him about what i feel for the 2 of them. he understood what i was relaying. i've managed to tell him about what i felt with that person. to cut the story short, it's about friendship. well, it will not change my mind. i'll still pursue what i have decided. i'll still be or i'll still try to let go of this stupid freaking feeling. so i can grow. . well i guess i have to park my hands now for this. and i'll just have to see you on tuesday for some updates. let's see who will keep standing and who will have the last laugh, mwahahahahahahahahaha! *ehem* ok i'll finish my poem, see ya! yeba!

dreadful

finally, i got ferdie on my side. now, my day will have a major change. hopefully tomorrow will be the same. now i feel so light that i don't really worry about something....you know, that person!.... moving on, ferdie was able to bring with him the VCD ELEKTRA. I'm going to watch that over the weekend. so somehow there's a change with my freaking routinary day. of course i'm goignt o copy it again on my computer dso i have a collection of VCDs and music. Then suddenly a call came through and i had an agrevated customer. i was pretty scared and eventyually i was able to not provide information that would make tghe call worse. i was able to transfer the customer to CRL and ok thankfuully i was able to get out of the call.

i just realized that i forgot to put on my leather wrist band and watch. so right now, i'm barely naked. i feel like i'm naked. then just thought that it's a good sign for a change. i believe that i have recovered from a serious pain, scorn, frustrations and stuff including aggrevation. isn't it good. now i'm not worried that much anymore. i managed not to think about, you know, the "he who must not be named @". mwahahahahaha! i don't want to mention that name no more because it flashes back memories and stuff that brings me down. pakshet! moving on with my not so beautiful life, last noight i was able to discover a new SW for me to transfer and backup all my messages from my cellphone so i can delete all messages and start a new. that's the first step i guess for a change. i love changes, it helps me, not to grow, but it helps me clear my mind, confident and breathe. it's so goooood. i love it. i just don't have to muchly be affected by those kinds of arrogant people. including self-centered, egoistic, egocentric, prideful, scalawag. so much for nothing, it's just so tough. I need to snap out of too much hububs. i just need to focus more on my family, especially my mom. i believe that it will help me grow. friends come, friends go, so what! they're just the sam eold user, taking advantage and arrogant people. as if they want to help you out but definitely, they have a purpose, a diversive plan and purpose to drag you down.... too bad and yest so sad and pathetic. that's what you call losers!

wel igot another call and it regards with a stupid internet connection through LAN. i hate it but eventually the embicille did something with her product and so she will call back. finally, i got off the phone. moving on, what else could go wrong today? hmmmmmm, let me guess, SIRET! i failed the exam i took yesterday and so i'm going tho take it again. mwahahahaha! at least i have an hour again to go on petics. tl said that it's ok that i failed the written exam so i have the chance to study more. she even mentioned that there are people who took written exam for one time and when they took the CBT, they failed. mwahahahahaha! belat! anyway i believe that he told that to me just to give me hope and stuff. what i can say is, don't give me false hope. look at this minions, i really don't like to see them around, i'm iritated, especially with the face of ALEX. now that they're gone, i can breathe now. mwahahahahahaha!

something just went on my mind. here are the things i will do for a change:

1. I'll never think about that person
2. I'll have to deal with my own freaking self
3. if ever we would spent time together i'll just shut up and never share anything else
4. i won't feel free to talk at all, and i'll just find my solcae with another firend until he realize things, mwahahahaha
5. hopefully, when he realize that i'm already over things. I have gotten over it .
6. Sana naman noh, mawala na 'tong tangang feeling na ito para masaya. at sya naman ang maka-experience and that's fun.
7. i'll ignorethat person at all times, until that person misses me and could not sleep and could not breathe any longer.

Hopefully mangyari ito, but i think it's far from hope coz that peron is a kind of person which is egoistic and prideful. fine! i'll forget all the things that person said to me, all the sweetness and stuff. bolero pala sya. pwedeng-pwede syang manloko ng mga tao. nakakahiya. feeling ko traitor sya. malakas ang kutob ko sobra. i just took my break and had these thoughts that, people who has nice face, good loking or whatever you may call it, is deceivng. based on my experience, people who i meet with that kkind of face may be look nice but eventually they are a back stabbing bastard. i believe that person is that type of person. la lang i get to connect a lot of things that leads me to that conclusion. it's just my opinion. i never know what really is that person's intnetion. i'm even wondering that , that person is just using me. based on the book that i'm reading, i believe that or in it, that you have something that people need. you must do something more for them to keep coming back to you. but i find it unethical. i really want is people is there for you because your nice, you're good, not only because you have something that they need. i'm not only referring to physical things but because there's something in you. what i'm trying to say is, it's an achievement that the person or anyone keeps coming back to you because they treasure and value you. because of the experience the reason why they want to come back to you. as what i know, i keep coming back to that person because of the great experience that i had, not only because that person is smart or wise but i enjoyed the experience that we had. honestly, i'm a loyal person. i don't want goodbyes. eventhough we have to part ways, at least we still have communications and we also have great times about stuff and all.

what botheres me is , if theat person want to be acknowledged, why can't that person think that otheres want the same way. well, numb as what it shows. hopefully when i grow older, i would meet someone younger than me, and i will be sensitive, which i am, so we would establish great friendship until the end of time. and that's agreat experience, don't you think? i really value friendship that's why i'm writing these feeling that i have which people don't understand. they would think that i'm a diversed person and all, but i know myself.

why can't i manage to make myself like others. what i mean is, like others, they seem not so dedicated to their friends. they don't even bother to loose that friend and all. they don't value it that much. why can't i be like that? why do i have to be like this. so pathetic, sorrowful, nostalgic and bothered leading to confusions and all. i know we all have a reason to be there. we all have a thing or two to learn. but i feel like i'm not learning. i think that i just have this trex brain. so little, it never expands and it never grows. i blame myself for that. i kept myself trapped in a cage. i fell into their web that i couldnot just get out and i don't know how. what i really want to happen now is for me to fly high listen to rock music and freak out let things go my way. i also wanted people to follow me. appreciate things that i do to me i mean to them. i want someone that lets me feel that they value and treasure me. ito cut it short, i want others to be sensitive so we can jive and make the companionship even stronger. that's very cool.

well, basically none cares.no one would ever know these feeling i hiave and what i hide. no one will ever understand me at all. that's why i just kept writing it anywhere and posting it to this blog site just to release all temperamental, sorrow, and uneasiness. ok SOLACE, so where are you exactly? can you like make it easy for me to search for you. it's making me sick and i'm tired. i'm giving up, almost. but i do believe you're just there. can you like message me so i know you still exists.

some of my team mates here took their final ezam and they got 66, 64 and so on,out of 70. that's great! how about me? will i be able to pass the exam? will i be able to take itjust once or twice then both will fail. humiliating. haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, what a loser here. i should have been at ferdie's station. i should have been there all along. if it were'nt for tl and stuff, i would not be in this freaking station. i just hate it. i really would like to isolate myself from them because i don't feel any good in this team. fish and his dominions or shall i say minions are dominating and i don't want to absorb their selfcenteredness even anyone's self centeredness. they all suck. makes me confused. it disturbs me and i really just can't breathe and sleep. darn it. if icould just fly away, breakaway, break free, freak out, get away, get over and make myself free from this uneasiness, then life would be much fun, great and comfy. it seems like all people i meet are casuing so much pain, away from any pleasure. it drags me down, breaks me down and makes me wanna kill myself. i really feel so hopeless. i feel so restless. can somebody just kill me please,or make my self go insane so i would not feel this torment, or these torments. why were they so selfish?

moving on with my pathetic life, i hope that it's payday, so i can purchase a sim reader for me to transfer all my messages from my phone to my computer so i can delete all of it and keep it for the rest of my freaking life. isn't it great. i like to collect things. my mom even told me that it's funny. it's not even that important to keep all those stuff. well i'm a kind of person who treasure and value people's messages. it's a gesture that somehow they thought about you. they managed to think about you and know how you were or you are. it's a cool and kind feeling. she can't undestand that. i've told her that it's a priviledge to do that kind of stuff. she should not react or over react. then they've noticed that i just shaved my mustache. my mom and sister said that it's much better and it made me look like a human being, but i need to shave my beard also. well i'll think about it. actually i wa shaving a hard time thinking yesterday if i want to shave my mustache or not. well the end result, i decided to shave it. so i felt like an idiot here. the people that surrounds me makes me feel like an idiot. those bastards. argh! i want to breakwaway for crying out loud! i'm fed up with all of these thinkings and thoughts that roams and creeps inside my head. unpleasant and yet disturbing.

SINUSUMPA KO, LAHAT KAYONG MGA NILALANG NA NAGPAPASAKIT SA AKIN E, MAKAKARANAS NG HINDI MAGANDANG BAGAY NA NANGYAYARI SA AKIN. MAKIKITA KO RIN ANG SOLACE KO, AT PAG NAN DUN NA AKO, KAYO NAMAN ANG MAG-SUFFER. THE AGONY! PUTANG INA KAYO!

i'm so tired. i'm so tired. that's all i can say now. by the way i was ignored yesterday, and today and so i will be better. huh! i'm not affected. if you wanna do it continously, no problem, have fun. bastards! i've read the log sheet regarding placns for the TEAM BUILDING, and a lot of people are saying to go to ALEXIS' place. ayaw ko nga!bahala kayo. kayo na lang mag team building, hindi na ako excited and i'm not looking forward for it, no more. i will not come, just go and have fun yourself. i feel like i'm not or i don't belonmg in the team. so back off and leave me alone.

right now i feel so irritated with these things and feelings that creeps in me. it's really killing me. i wanted to go to sleep and just sleep all day. well i took my luch and sadly to say, i wasnot able to take it with ferdie. he went ahead first and we met at the elevator and i just took mine donwstairs. i was still in a call, that's why. then i still have this thoughts creeping inside my head and it's really making me sad and wants to bring me to cry. how can i ever release this kind of feeling. everywhere i go, i kept thinking about it. that bastard! he's a sickening shitty firend that i've ever met. it's so annoying. if it weren't for my mom, i would not be like this, but i am now. i should have learned how to be recekless and stubborna nd selfish. so that i won't have this kind of feeling. it's really dragging me down, all the way down. that person is so selfish, so deeply that i could just kill him. but of course i won't do that. what is it in that person why i keep asking for more. actually, the book says about things you do that people wants to get back or keeps coming back to you. i am the one that says keeps coming back. pakshet talaga. for crying out loud. sana sya rin para naman ok na ako. kung maipakita nya na ganun sya, ok na ang lahat and i will be the same as what that person is. tang ina talaga. sobrang hanggang illusion na lang ako. nakakabwisit na. ayaw ko na ng ganito, it's killing me....... gusto ko pag-umalis ako, they'll feel bad about it at that's the time na lagi nila ako kakamustahin. sana nga talaga. haaaaay, what a life. what a day! i always have this same old story everytime i go to work. i just realized na i should change my routinary life. i should stop creating blogs about what's going on with me. it's such a waste. just like mitch, she does not always consult her blog, she would consult it every after 2-3 days. and i'm having the same old darn stories that is really annoying. please make it stop right now! help me break away from these bad feelings and stuff to have a new life.

o well i'll just have to park my hands from this. see you perhaps tomorrow or someday.

Next Scene....Siret!

hi good morning, i'm currently taking an exam for our TAT certification here. i just hate it....not the first statement i've said, but the sceanrios that is going on. yesterday it was such a shitty day, now it's kinda like a good and exciting day for me. things and gestures and the way they approach you changed as what they did yesterday. i'm so freaking annoyed. i just hate this scenario, like yesterday i felt like they don't care and they are happy alone with their selves. now they are showing and letting you feel that they like to hang out with you and wait for you and change schedules just to be with you and stuff like that.... soooo frustrating and arrogant. i don't know why i describe it as arrogant, but it's really kind of arrogant for me. yeah, you're right fish, in the first place i'm not like this. i don't feel this shit stuff and now it's haunting me and it shows me that that's me. you know what i mean? now someone's waiting for me and i'm wondering if he'll do the same thing for me like yesterday. just left and shit. i hate it. i am alone to day and so please don't make me sad or feel bad, or else....i am sick to day, literally. i have colds and this mucus is stuck on my nose and goes down to my throat, phlegmn. garsh so hard to breathe. i can't even work accordingly and properly. i thought it's gone but it keeps producing and blocking my air flow and i'm having difficulty in breathing. i also managed to create a new poem regarding undoing things. i'm almost done and i wanted to finish it today. i just finished my exam and took my break and messaged someone asking where that someone is. well that person showed up and invited me to grab a smoke. we talked about the cellphone he had and stuff that i'm planning to purchase one. i even told that person about the 6681 phone and that person said that it is a lower version of the phone and stuff. i kept saying that it is not. i also told him about the specs of it but i was not certain about that specific specs of the phone and that person is asking me. i even told him that. and aslo told himt hat i will show him the specs and replied, so! what the fuck! now i ignored him and he left without saying goodbye. ok that's better that would be much nice. putangina! nainis ako sobra! sige go ahead with your own freaking life and i'll never ever think about things no more. shit! this is a stupid day. bad day again. this is the second time and i wish that person would just get out and never show up to me so i won't feel bad again. i can't seem to understand his ego. he's unpredictable. ah, now i understand, this is something, a game who has the greatest ego. shall i say, pride! ok i'll practice myself to have that but please don't make me regret things whatever consequences happeneds. i assure you that. putang ina mo ka, gago, punyeata, ashole bitch, fucker, suckker self centered selfish shit head. gusto ko nang burahin lahat ng contacts ko and stuff and start all oever again. tangina kung meron lang taong makakaimbento how to format human mind, i'll go for it. kahit maging alipin pa ako at least i don't have any idea what was my life before and the people who i've known. napaka inconsiderate nya. ako kasi pag kaibigan kita, lalo na treasured and valued kita, kung aalis ka o uwi ka na, say it to me face. that's all i'm asking. is tat too much to ask? i'll never ever be considerate no more. i'll learn how to live my life alone and by myself. sabi ko nga dati, kahit ano pa nga talaga, dapat prioritize ko si mommy. sya ang dapat kong maging kaibigan for the rest of my life, not only as a mother but as afriend. yung ang the best. ngayon i felt like i'm being rejected again. sige ok lang bahala na kayo i'll just try my best to make myself used with forgetting them. i thought this day was a good day and yet it ended so bad that this shit head left without saying goodbye. that's unacceptable. ok here i go once again i'm torn into pieces. aaaaaaaaarrrrrggggggghhh! bakit ganito ba ang nararamdaman ko. make it go away. he's gonna get his. sana nga talaga. putang ina! mamamatay ka rin. tang ina mo! you'll see. you'll see. sinusumpa ko talaga magkakaroon o mangyayari rin sayo na you're craving for my presence that you could not sleep, breathe and uneasy. matutunaw din yang pride mo. at mararamdaman mo rin ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. pag ako nakuha kong hindi ka na isipin at hindi ka na inspiration sa akin, goodbye na talaga! putangina mo! mapapalitan ka rin. gago! tapos pinaasa pa ako na magpapaswap sya ng schedule. ang puta! mamatay ka na lang para masaya, mwahahahahaha!

feeling ko ginagawa rin nya ang mga bagay na yun para lang paasahin ako at magkakasama na ulit kaming 3. well guess what sa ngayon i'm confident and i'm learning how to end all these. let me also tell you this shit head, originally you're not my dude, not my best buddy and my bro. so it's better for you to get out and leave my head. in your case, i believe you'll never be happy in your life. with your attitude of being selfish and egoistic, you're going down.... i may say that for now you enjoy your life in a different way, like being independent and doing what you like and stuff, able to buy yourself things and crap, but you'll never, ever be happy and satisfied with other people, your love life and even your own family. mwahahahaha! you may say that i'm bad and i'm evil and shit, but as what i have analyzed you'll never be a stronger person. ever. with all the thoughts in your mind. it's better to be alone or a loner, than having those kinds of pride, egos and selfishness, coz in me i don't have that attitude and i can deal with otheres easily. i'm much stronger than you! i may have family problems and i'm even a problem but i know what it is and what is right or wrong.

i just remember the things that you've said about change. yeah, it'll help us grow, pretty much. I do believe and that's why i'm going to change so i won't be stuck on your arrogant self centeredness and prideful attitude. i also remember that you hope i won't ever change and stuff, about being friendly to you and tuff, i guess not, but you are rest assured i won't ever mingle with those fisha dn his minions. i'm saying this now because you're such an inconsiderate shit head. i'm frustrated by your apathy in me.

here are the few things that i base my thinkings why that person does not care about my presence:
1. does not message me
2.does not even reply
3. ignores me
4. humiliates me in some way
5. does not ask how i am
6. promising to give me a copy of a disc but eventually not
7. does not ask for my phone number or even reply with the testis and stuff in friendster.

Here's a few things why i do care and really is craving for more with that person:
1. i do what i promise like, giving him a copy of the disc he wants and stuff
2. i always acompany him wherever that person go
3. i always message that person
4. i even call that person at home
5. i follow whatever things that person wanted to try and do
6. i collect things that that person gives me.
7. message that person regarding having a great time with the 3 of us
8. inform that person about importan things that person needs to know
9. even told that person that i'll be there for that person whatever happeneds

so in these statements indicated here, if ever i forget some i'll add up later, are pretty obvious that i do care about our friendship. they don't even consider that. they even ignore it. buti pa si ano, tinawagan ko sa cellphone di nya sinagot at tinawagan ako sa landline at kinausap pa ako. saan ka pa. si ferdie walang problema, he's a nice person and let you feel that you are important. sya parang gusto nya na sya lang ang pa-importante, na parang wala pa syang pakialam. ok fine, siguro nga talaga, wala akong kwentang kaibigan. so Peter Pascual, i guess you're right about what you have said, that i'm not a worth it friend..... ok i'll learn to accept it and i'll just try to reverty everything back into pieces, that i'm a loner and a man with no life. it's much better off that way. it'll cast over. someday, somehow, everything's going back where it used to be. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! for crying out loud.

well our tl messaged us regarding our team building and stuff. i don't know if ever i'll be able to come. i don't feel like going. i don't know. i really don't like to come because seagate and his minions are coming and i don't want to see their egoistic selves and dominating the whole ocassion. well, we'll see about that. also earlier to day when i met that person that person told me that tl wanted to come with us if ew'll have a videoke session. ok fine, i don't care, maybe if she'll come i'll not come. i don't know. i will definitely feel like a scalawag when that session comes. that person is like, smiling and proud and happy about it. i can see that, that person will become seagate too. that person will dominate againa dn stuff. because of his egocentric shit! now i'm beginning to feel that i can get over this frustration, lonesome and depression and even patheticness that i feel inside. i assure you that. mainly because i think that i have found a ne friend or shall i say a company to accompany me and make me feel good. i'm talking about jon. he's seem so nice and cool to talk with. i think oi'm not afraid anymore. if i passed through that even before. i guess i'll get over it now. yeah i think so, i believe so and i really have this confidence. i will still be there , if and only if that person needs me and needs an advise. more than that, naaaah, i guess not. i don't want to expect much about this crappy shit. somebody just messaged me, wait a minute..... o well just an advertisement. shickingly and thankfully. whenever i hear my phone ring, that person is the only person that goes in my mind. pathatic, huh? what a loser.....

by the way i just finished my UNDO poem that i just created. i'm posting it now on this blogger blog thing. YEBA! I need to be inspired so i can finish and make a good poem.As you can see, i'm just a simple person. i love to write, sing, listen to music and even compose music, i also love to take pictures of myself with special things on hand. to imply something on the photograph taken. they said that i'm an artistic person, but i'm not really that artistic. i just value things that i can do and what i have and how i treasure them for it has a sentimental value. i'm a sensitive person as i've mentioned. i guess people will not understand that, especially NORMAL people as what they say. how do you define NORMAL. well it confuses me. yeah, i think it is good to be not normal, at least you're unique and you're not hurting anyone. I also think that you won't say you're normal. it should be typical. normal and typiucal are both different. for it's definition it's the same but the implications and conotation are both different. because i believe nobody's normal except GOD. Do you believe in me? well we do have our own perception and perspectives about stuff like that. i am not saying that i'm smarter and wiser, in fact i'm not. i'm literally an embicille. idiot, stupid and stuff. i'm not being humble here, i' just being honest. these are the facts. i may not be the best person for you, either frined, lover, brother, and stuff, but i know i've never hurt anyone or even deceived and hoaxed anyone. i never humiliate anyone to demoralize and demotivate them. it's just that they are the ones who are demoralizing and demotivating me. o well i guess that's my purpose in life. you know i should accept things that are happening to me. i should not react like this. if i do know and i'm aware of my purpose being like this, then i should barely accept it and never ever ask why. i can be the best man or friend in your life. but i believe i won't be for people's opinions. who told them that they are? everyone including myself is so selfish and inconsiderate about certain things. is this the price i have waited for? my gooodness. ok then , i should take it. what did i do to desrve this? how many times should i mention this in my blog just to get over it?you see, i am the problem, i'm just making things worse. i'm just creating a problem for myself. i should not deal with this much but garsh it keeps haunting me. i really want to and need to share this frustrations depressions devastation and sorrow to someone so i can live my life without worrying much. the problem is i am talking and telling this sad stories to this stupid blog site and to a computer. no reply of course no opinion and advise and all the things here are coming from me. well, i guess i'm crazy. if only this will happen to me now. so ican be free from pain, sorrow, anger, patheticness, frustration, depression and devastation.

I will be like a bird. Fly high, fly free, and can see things, the whole thing downthat will be awesome and great. huh! wait and see when i become stronger and confient, you'll go down on me and you'll be after me. just for me to share, earlier i was thinking about somebody, a new found friend arrived in my life and made me feel special. then we were able to have an extraordinary fun and stuff that i got over those stupid people. then they are aware that i always go out with that nff. they see us and the scenario is i've forgotten about them and they've approached me to check how am i and why i'm not mingling with them no more... mwahahahaha! sana nga mangyari yun para masaya. isn't it great? hinahabol nila ako ngayon kasi ngayon nila na realize na da best pa la ako. mwahahahahahahaha. you evil crap! anyway, i'm going to read the book which ron gave me for my birthday present. so see you perhaps tomorrow.

by the way wala na akong pera, mwahahahaha! uhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh!