bleed punk!

Stop searching forever - happiness is just next to you.
well what's written above is my fortune for today. well that's what i mean tos ay i should not search forever because it's unhealthy for searching happiness forever. i know it's right next to me but it's just that it's not looking for me, i don't know. thank god and it's thursday. one more day and i'll be outta here. hopefully mom would allow me to go to rex's house so i can be happy for the mean time.

o well i had an incident eariler when i approached tl. this freaking fish passed by and said, excuse brod, in a sweet way. how plastic. yesterday he was so arrogant in sending me an email. he's like the girls in the movie mean girls. i don't feel bad about it because mainly i have proven it that he's still an asshole. told you if it weren't for tl's care about her agent's bonding together, he would not show he's sorry for what he did during training. o well, at least now i have a concrete prrof that he's not sorry for twhat he did to me during training. that's fine and so if ever i need to live my life, i should make sure he's not included in my life. i konow now that he will never ever change. he's really funny, with what he just did. i could just laugh at him. o well he's a junk and a filthy fish.

right now, i am wearing a jersey and a boughnet because tl told me so for the judgement later. i just hate it so much because i'm not used with hip hop and all ostume. we have a program here which was conducted by her and what a pathetic idea. for the sake of his management of course i would have to follow what she said to wear it. she also said that we shoud come to the party later after shift. but i'm so sorry i will not come and i don't want to. my mom will go somewhere and i need to stay and get home early. they even said that there are recognition and awardings and crap. good luck with that and let them have all the awards and recognition and i don't really care. they can also have all they can't eat and drink as it is free. i'm not really excited with that.

i hate it when fish passes by my station. i hate to see his awful face. let's say terrible face. and again, he's at my sight and i really wanted to throw something on his face and witness it bleeding. anyway, i have noticed that both of them are not in their stations and not around. i am wondering what the fuck are they doing. how lucky that fish is. at least he has to experience good things in the office. o well, that's life. i fyou know how to play around it then you'll have good things in life. i just wanted to say good luck with me. hopefully things would change and all so i can live prosper life and all.

the program will start at 6:30 and i have decided not to come because i don't want to come and i want to go home early today so i can rest and end the day for work until tomorrow so i can go to rex's house and do stuff that i like and want. i am pretty scared for my schedule next week, i have a split off and i don't know if that's pretty nice. o well unless it's implemented, that's the time i may feel the pain.

o well no more stuff to share. ciao!

sobra na ito!

alright i'm here and i've stayed where ferdie is and talked about craps that i feel in this team. i'm so frustrated with how things went. it makes me so sad that i have to deal with tese people. also i have to experience bad things. i am so pissed off of what's going on here. i am hoping again that it's 6am so i can go home and relax. next week we'll have a new schedule and it's 5am to 2pm and the sad part is, it's split off. darn it. anyway i wonder what will be my life on that schedule. good thing about it is i have time to somehow go to someone's house or even go to a store where i can buy something for me and also spend sometime with my old freaking self. i have this feeling that things are going to be ok. i wonder what will it be and what will be my status. i have talked to mom earlier and she mentioned about the status of the bill which will be imposed by those egoistic legislatives in the US. hopefully it'll be denied and people will be given an amnesty there so they could work legally in america.

so far i'm still waiting for a call. it's 7 minutes and i haven't received a call. hopefully it'll be an hour and so so i could...whatever

suddenly, i got a call and i need to escalate it. so i'e asked for an escalation code from tl but she referred me to fish, thenhe asked me to email the number . so i did then he told me to include the reason next time. i replied back with good intention that the reason why i did not include it is because i have already relayed that to him. he replied rudely and arrogantly making the letters in red and all caps. i did not reply because i do believe that it will start a chaos. when i read that letter, it made my blood pressure increase and i was not able to move because i was shocked and wanted to freak out but thankfully i have managed to control it. yeah you can say that i'm scared because i don't want to dmage my reputation here in this company or even worsen the situations here that are already worse. i told that to ferdie and he agreed about it that this person is making a commotion to have a fight with me. well i'll just let him do whatever he is planning to do and i don't care.

just what i thought this person is plastic and not for real telling tl that for him everything has been forgotten and yet he is replying on my emails aggressively and arrogantly. hindi ko nalang sya papatulan kasi he's not worth my time and i don't want to cause my job for that. hindi ako pumapatol sa mga asshole na tao at immature na tao katulad nya. ngayon na realize ko na at nalaman ko na talagang pakitang tao lang itong taong ito at hindi ko talaga dapat pagkatiwalaan. ngayon nalaman ko na rin. sabi ko na nga ba....... hindi naman yan magpapakumbaba kung hindi dahil kay tl, at hindi sya nagpapakumbaba whole heartedy just to let tl feel that he has changed pero hindi talaga. grabe so far sinabi ko sa kanya na comlaint about the options for ac adaptor replacement tapos sasabihin nya hindi ko sinabi yun sa kanya? ang galing nyang magpaikot. iniisip ko nga kung sasabihin ko pa kay tl pero sa tingin ko naman baka mapahiya lang ako. baka naman pag pinabasa ko yung email e walng problema. o well, ayaw ko na ng problema. basta sa susunod i should make it right para hindi mapahamak. MARCH 30, 2006 ngayon at napatunayan ko na talaga ang totoong kulay ni fish, tangina sya. malansa talaga ang ugali nya, my god! kaya di rin ako magtataka kung bakit si marco e hindi na masyadong lumalapit sa kanya. sana talaga isang besses lang makahanap sya ng katapat.shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, TANGINA nya talaga sana hindi makarma ang mga anak nya dahil sa kanya.

action plan ko ngayon e, hindi na ako kikibo at gagawa ng rason para ako ang madihado. so whatever they would say or ask i should just reply with what they need. ganun na lang. hahanapan ko na lang sila ng butas para sila ang mapahiya. kaya yung mga pinaplano nilang team building and stuff, bahala sila sa buhay nila basta ako i declare that i'm not part of the team at all. i'm not here to mingle with them. siguro pili na lang ang mg a taong kakausapin ko. si ferdie, rikk, richelle, renz, kris, jon, at marco. yun lang an gmga wala dito kung may lakad at kasama sila, sorry i can't come. just like nung bday ni renz. pumunta talaga ako. pero nung bday o yung mga lakad na kasama si fish at ang kanyang mga kawal, i just made an excuse for me not to come kasi sobrang malakas ang loob ko na everything is a hoax. sasabihin sa akin ni tl na nalungkot ang mga minions at di ako makakasama. siguro nga nalungkot sila kasi hindi na matutuloy ang masasama nilang balak sa akin. bibigyan ko rin sila ng isang situation na hindi nila makakalimutan. ngayon, habamng ako ay fw every monday. lalakasan ko ang loob ko na hulihin sila pag nag-rerelease or nag hahaduken and stuff. mwahahahahahaha! hindi naman siguro, sobrang mean na ako nun. pero gagawin ko pa rin so that i can say something against them when needed. hindi ko nga alam kung anong ginawa ni tl nung nagsumbong si jj sa kanya kasi nag-logout si fish. so bad. pero pag ako naman sobrang maysinasabi pa at masama pa ang mukha. tangina hindi ko talaga makalimutan yung sinulat ni fish. kasi hindi ako yung taong nagtitimpi lang. gusto ko na talagang comprontahin pero wag na lang para hindi ako mapasama, kasi super critical na itong situation. tama na siguro na iwasan ko sila kesa sa gumawa ako ng bagay na ikainis nila o ikagalit nila at ikabagsak ko.

i just have to pray harder that fish will be promoted or be a full time floor walker on another team so at least i'm separated from his evil ways and self. at least no more, kiss ass here. and also no more suck up. **sigh** what else could possibly go wrong? i just can't imagine how things are getting worse. i'm just trying to be normal but this shit just keeps happening. shit always happeneds. o well just have to deal with it. hopefully i would be transferred to another team so i can start a new life and i don't have to worry about these junks. i have decided to act differently. what i mean to say is change the way i approach and interact with them. i guess i have to train myself to show that the feeling that i have for the mhad disappeared. i just have to be subtle so things will be normal. i won't be plastic or i won't be pretentious i would jsut show them that everythings fine between me and them.

i am currently on lunch and i have 8 minutes and counting befre i take another call.hopefully it's not queueing so i can somehow relax and rest for a while.

well bad things just keeps happening to me. first from fish incident, then another coaching log then an irate caler. asking for a supervisor. bwisit! what else could happen? tanginang onsite process yan lagi na lang ako nagkakamali. putang ina talaga. ang tagal-tagal na ng issue na ito pero na correct ko naman tapios ganun pa rin. bwisit talaga. shit keeps happening to me. this is not my day. i think i have to be absent on friday so i could have a long break just to recharge myself. kung kelan naman ako nagbabago na from being a bitch, saka pa ako minamalas. putang ina ko talaga. gusto ko nang mamatay. kayas rin ako hindi ma-promote-promote dahitl dito. nag-iingat na nga ako pero things are getting worse. shit talga! i can't take this naymore. mas nagiging malala pa ako sa lahat ng team dito. hindi ko na talga kaya itong mga nangyayari sa akin. bukas kailangan ko nang magbago at maging maayos. dito pa rin ako uupo, at kailangan ko nang maging mabait sa mga minions ni fish especially sa kanya. masama sa loob ko, pero kailangan kong gawin. i just need to keep on trying. kailangan ko na talagang mag change career. pag ako e nalipat sa ibang call center, well i just need to be fully take care of my actions, words and stuff. putang ina talaga. bakit ba ako minamalas ngayon? puro na lang kahihiiyan. napaparanoid na ako at feeling ko everybody's looking on me and laughing at me because of the shits that's going on.

you know what i really can't take this anymore. i really need something else. i need a change....ciao!

unfair

ok what a wonderful day. well i went to the smoking area nad met a lady. she introduced herself first then myself and talked about production life. her name is fida and met her friend fye, i don't know if tht's the correct spelling. anyway, she was good to talk with and at least i have met someone like her. she's not just an ordinary lady, the first impression i had with her was she's someone who is quiet and too snooty, but it was all wrong. hopefully today will be an extraordinary day. well basically, cy is the fw today and i'm a freaking agent who'll take darn calls and all. so unfair, he was the floorwalker yesterday after my schedule then he will be the fw tomorrow i mean today and on thursday. i'm so freaking annoyed with that. i thought i was the one to be molded but definitely not. well i will be better someday and will be someone to be looked onto for my success.

well i met kelly and managed to talk with her about certain stuff. i was able to show her the new team mate we had, richelle, because she really wanted to meet her. then she even mentioned ron again that he's not around and all, who cares i don't care. good luck with him. so i have managed to change the topic and jumped to another story of life. thatnkfully she did not mention stuff about that person because i would reallly hate her with that. anyway, she's fine and she's cool and sometimes i envy her for being the chosen one in her team. it's a good feeling andn i wish her all the best. i know someday seh will be a tl. hopefully i would become a tl tooo or just a full time fw or a workforce or whatsoever just as long as i get away and break away from this freaking job. i don't klnow what else will happen momentarily, but i am longing for a wonderful life and wonderful day today. hopefully there will be a change coming this week that would make me happy and glad and gratified just like before. i promise not be overwhelmed too much about it as i have encountered a bad karma being overwhekmed too much. anyway, i do believe today will be an extraordinary day.

hopefully on friday, my pay will be convincing so i won't be muchly aggrevated because of the problems that i have currently, involving money. i need to pay my bill as soon as possible because mom did not manage to somehow pay my bills accordingly.

i just received rex's message so i decided to get online and had a chat with him. well he is online and asked him a favor if he could download me the full album for a certain band. he okayed and so i was so happy. first of all he asked me that i will visit him this saturday. hopefully it won't be cancelled or postponed again just what had happened last week. i feel happy again and excting i mean excited. i just can't wait for saturday.

i even managed to fantasize that we had a new batch of team mates and all of them are girls and the most beautiful lady will be seated beside me and would always talk to me and always accompany me wherever i go. and fish and his minions would just die envying me hanging out with that girl. mwahahahaha! just a fantasy but who knows what could happen.

well right now, fish is around, he was absent yesterday so i was not upset, that's why. well i took my bio break just oto take a pee. then i saw fish and tl talking and telling some, i don't know stories and i'm pretty paranoid that it's all about me. well i don't care. as much as possible please stop putting the spot on me or else i'll be your worst nightmare. now i just realized why i'm so cool yesterday, it is because fish is not around, no bossing around and dominating the team. hopefully he will be transferred to another team and be the floorwalker there so that i will be the oic in the team, hopefully.

well i went to the smoking room and i met maggi there and told me few things about my floor walking task yesterday. he i mean she said that i was a floor walker yesterday and i said no, and she said that she saw me yesterday, so i just smiled and shut up. then they do the talking with whatever topic they've come up with. well what's that suppose to mean. for a momentshe made me feel alright and somehow happy. at least someone had appreciated me as a floor walker. . right now, fish is beside tl and building friendship for fish to be promoted. well that's his tactics and that's not the way i want it to be. coz that's cheating. finally ferdie realized that. now he noticed the awful part of tl and fish being close and all. what i'm trying to prove is, i'm not just being insecured because of that but i can see the awful part of that and it's not right. i don't care if he has been promoted and lal. as long as he's not showing a kiss ass from tl. just to achieve his goals. i'm not a suck up and he is a suck up and i don't know whether tl falls for that. the reason why i stay in this station because i don't want to witness how suck up he is. it would just make me sick seeing them sucking up and kissing tl's ass. it would just deject me.

anyway, i wonder what i should be doing to relax and think that it is 6am. mwahahahahahaha! well i just go to work here just for me to earn money and provide food and maintenace with my familly. i also wanted to have a change. a drastic change in my life. here at work and at home. hopefully i would meet another person in this company that would be nice and that would make me feel that i'm important to them and that they will always make me feel happy and complete somehow. i'm fed up with ron that's why i'm avoiding him but if ever he wanted to talk to me or something, i will always be there for him. i will listen and stuff. but more than that, i would have to stop and leave. guess what, just to interrupt, roy, the shift sup here just passed by my station and i find him so annoying. i'm not anvious at him and i really don't care about what he is here, but it just annoys me about how he approaches me before nad how he acts. he seems so boastful but when you llook at him, he's a fat lame trying hard to run, mongoloid. i know he is smart and wise, but the attitude kills me. anyway good luck with him. hopefully there's more success for him and his family.

what i'm trying to point out here about ron is, he is a nice guy, but he changed. he just turned his back on me without letting me know what is the problem. so now what i'm doing is avoiding him and not talking to him. i don't initiate the conversation. now he talked to ferdie and asked why am i not talking to him. well he can answer that. i had managed to let go and have my own life. so it's not a big lost for me anymore. i do believe that he is happy with his life now and i'm happy for him. i just don't want to approach him and talk about same old stories and craps. honestly i am inspired by him and that was before but now, i am inspired to avoid him. sorry pal, but this is how i feel now. there's no turning back.


what i have noticed with the calls i have today, they are all short freaking calls, and yet it is a long avail time. that's good to know at least i have time to relax. i think it is a compensation for the job well done i did yesterday. i would have to put it that way. i believe i did a good job yesterday as a floor walker. well as of now, cy is still a floorwalker and i thought they are only given a chance to do the floor walking for 4 hours and it's more than 4 hours and still a floor walker. what's the meaning of this. is she doing this oin purpose. fuck her! well ijust have to be patient. i really blame that stupid customer why i got that failing mark. if it was an in scope support then i would love to troubleshoot that but it was not and referred him to the manufacturer and yet he failed me. that bithc and idiotic shit head. . so inconsiderate.

o well i only have 8 minutes left and counting for my lunch break and i have to take in calls again and talk to this stupid darn people.

basically i just ended my call and this freaking fish approached me and asked me how i was.. so i told him that i'm fine but i'm not looking at his face coz i don't want to ruin my day even worse. basically tl asked him to tell me that there are 24 avails and crap. fine. i don't really care. anyway moving with my life.... i'm trying to fantasize something here, shall i say someone, mwahahahahaha.. i need to release this as soon as possible. well nagkakamabutihan sila ni fish and no wonder kasi nga di ba both of them are in the same frat and they actually are paying respect at each other. well i they ever decided to kill me, please od, make sure that i will die or else i will get back on them even worse. why am i getting back on that stupid issue. it's worthless and it won't do me any good. so far i haven't seen fida yet. i hope to see him i mean her tomorrow in the smoking room so i can share things and know her even better. i hope she likes me, what i mean is she likes me to be her friend. o well i guess she just talked to me because of the boredom she's feeling. i think she's nice.

it's almost 3am. I am wondering about what things i can do for today. i hate to work or go to work tomorrow but i have to . just to not have a deduction with my pay for next month. i would just be absent if there's an emergency and all. o well, what a day. so many things that are going on and i just don't even have a clue what it implies. anyway, i just have to check and see if everything will be nice today or if something could possibly go wrong.

basically cya nd ales are now taking calls. those pricks! anyway, got to end this now and tell you more stuff for later. ciao!

cooool day

o well i've been the floorwalker for today and i really had a great time with it. i was extended because the replacement took it's lunch and i decided to stay so the team has someone assigned to monitor them for their calls and also to help them with their calls. it was good because at least tl had her meeting with the om and also with her shift sup most probably for advise and all. right now i am taking my lunch and consumed 40 minutes of it. pretty much happy coz at least i had a time not thinking about shit stuff. a while ago i was pissed off. well the replacement will be the floorwalker today tomorrow and the other day. very unfair. to compare my stats with the person, i am not extended with my call or my qg the only difference is i had a failing mark with my survey and it's an excuse because that was not beyond my tech support. so unfair isn't it. and also the other replacement will be the floorwalker today the next day and the next day. right now i feel so dizzy and sleepy. i think i need to rest. i can't stand this sleepiness i feel now. so annoying. i wonder what will happen with the calls i'll get today. hopefully everything's fine and ok.

by the way i had encountered multiple problems at home. first how the hell am i going to pay my credit card bill, and also my sister is currently unstable at where she is because this egooistic selfish officials impsed a bill to make people who are TNT in the country as criminals. thankfully a senator imposed a consideration in contrast with that. so i'm praying that the thing that he imposed will be granted than the other one. sigh! what a darn problematic life. o well so much for this and i'm about to loose my mind with all of these things. well just a good luck for me tomorrow and on the following days.....

ciao!

stick it out to the bitter end

o well what a day. actuallly i had few bad things that just happened to me earlier. first when i'm about to leave the house, mom scolded me because of the discman. so i left the house with a bad face. then when i finally rode a tricycle, he did not gave me the right change. then when i rode the jeep, it suddenly stepped on the break having all the food of the lady spilled in the jeep and also before that happeneds the conductor hand me over my change improperly so it fell on the flooor. so i said to myself, what could possibly go wrong again? i hope everything willl be fine here at work. i hope i won't have to experience arrogant customers and bad feedback again from someone who i don't even know and which i don't even have any idea who it is. well i pray that later on when i come hoem, mom would allow me to go to rex's house, if she did not allow me, i'm going to freak out because it's unfair. basically she always allow my sisters to get out of the house all the time, and when it comes to me, she won't even allow me. i work hard and give all my money to her for the family and yet she won't allow me to do the things i wanted to do? that's not fair. i would have to tell her that.

i really would like to break free from this torments that i feel inside. i just can't manage to be happy and feel satisfied like others. i don't know why. i just can't find the cure for this and it's really dragging me down. eventhough i tried my very best, it still shows. i still can feel it. i am waiting for a call as of the moment and so far hopefully it's not queueing so i would be relaxed nad i won't feel so tired. it's my last day for this week and it's off again. horay! this is good.

well we had a short meeting and discussed several updates and some craps from fish. anyway i took my break after and went to ferdie's station. well he told me that ron passed by and asked him why am i not talking to ron even noticing him or greeting him and stuff. well basically, you know the answer and i'm not into that person anymore and i have gotten over that person. well i don't really care if he would not do the same. i won't care at all. i've already placed him behind me, sorry. just what i keep saying, i can get into someone so deeply but if you give me a reason not to, i can easily forget you and put you behind me so i can move on. that's me. i always thought that i could never get over anyone that i really care, but eventually i can. sorry to say this but that's the fact and that's what i'm feeling right now. well good luck with him and hopefully he'll have a better life. honestly i appreciate that person but he had showed me something that made me act like this.

too bad, i just received a message from rex and he said that he will go somewhere this satruday and so my visit will be cancelled for this week. too bad, because i am pretty excited to go to his place again. o well right now, i feel so bad and pissed off because of that. o well i just have to think hard for me what to do this saturday. perhaps i would clean the house again and do whatever mom is asking for me to do. i amsick and tired of downloading songs and consult my computer for some updates and all. i just wanted to do other suff. a change per say. i don't know, i don't even have a freaking idea and i'm sick of it. it keeps reminding me of what ferdi have said earlier about that person's question about me why i don't even talk to him. well i don't know basically. i don't have anything to say or ask for him. i just hated of what he had become. and i'm really setting myself away from that person so i can live my life. i don't want to arrive again to the feeling that i had before because it really sucks and it uneases me. i don't want that. hopefully this coming month i would be regularized and hopefully i don't have a qa evaluation until april 5 so i can be regularized or whatever. too bad that rex ha s to cancel my visit to him. i am sick and tired of staying home and doing same old irritating annoying tasks. i just can't stand it anymore.

earlier when i was in the smoking chamber, i come to think that everything was dad's fault . if it weren't for his egoistic, selfish, unreasonable chaotic doings then everything should have been just fine and joyful. i could have been living my life pretty good and i would have been rich and wealthy. but things are getting worse and things are not in order. everything is in disorder. i could have been a better person. because of him my life ended up unhappy and chaotic. i really blame him for that. he thanks me for what i am doing with his family but i'm not thankful about it, because it's not my obligation. at least when he was young like my age now, at least he had experienced a lot of things as a single person. at least he has to work for himself and it's his life to get married and raise a family, eventually it ended up nothing. leaving his children unhappy because we have to work just to survive the family and support one of our sister. which is his responsibility as a father. he's really selfish. when he got older, i will never, ever take care of him, i would take care of my mother instead. i would only take care of him once my mom told me so, but when you ask fo ar the initiative, no. i will never do that as my initiative.. i don't want to grow old having this kind of life because it's not right. i need to raise myself up for growth. the other reason why i can't mingle with others and can't find someone to be with for the rest of my life is because of the status that i currently have. i blame him of what i have become. i know i'm not his real son but it's not right for him to just leave his family alone. because of his selfishness and self-centeredness. he's a pain in the ass. i'm not proud of him at all. never. if he will say that he has plans for all of us, well why can't he lay his cards down and let him show that to us so he can set our expectations. not just doing it wihtout letting us know anything. it's like we're waiting for nothing. it sucks big time. for sure he does not like that feeling but why the hell is he letting us feel that? sounds senseless. o well, so much about him. i guess someday he would find the right reasons for all of these.

as of the moment i feel fine. i'm just dandy but worried. so far nothing seem so terrible. hopefully it will retain until 6am so i could come home just fine. whew, what a day! i'm about to take my break and looking forward to go home at 6am. i just took it and i'll be taking in calls again til 6am hopefully things will not be worse. ok so iguess i have said enough things today. i have managed to smile at anyone here in the team but now they're not and so i don't care. see you again on monday. ciao!

what's happening?!!!

ok so i'm here at work already and waiting for my rocket to come. i don't know what i mean about that but what i wanted to say is, i'm waiting for something good to happen. well thankfully ferdie is around and somehow i could make my day wealthy with laughter and happiness. o well he will go home around 11pm, that's 2 hours from now. see him again perhaps tomorrow. thankfully it's already thursday and we all got 2 nights or shall i say 1 night to work. i hate to stay here any longer because it's really annoying seeing them and doing things that would irritate and intimidate me. a while ago there was an instance when i took my break. i was smiling and was laughing when i ask permission from tl. i wonder what she thinks when i acted that way? o well, i was laughuing because i remembered something that made me smile and a bit laugh. but i'm not happy that day and i'm not telling them that i'm ok for now. i'm still in a modd where i am irritated. well yesterday i have tried to make good calls. i hope that i would get a fine and an A call rating so i can pass this stupid quality gate 3 and so i will be regularized. hopefully my csat won't be the reason why i can't be regularized because it's not freaking my fault. i would accept not to get any incentives but all i need is to be regularized so i can move on. i don't have to worry much about my work.

last night i was bale to download further skins for the os and thankfully i was able to download the new version of the software. it was not blocked. when i try other updates it's not allowing me to download it for some reason. anyway at least i have the updated software and so i can see new enhancements fo the software. i have installed it a while ago but i haven't noticed any difference yet. hopefully one of the enhacements is for it to automatically download the album art for the song and also display the lyrics of the song just like on other software that i am using. i really love to collect songs and listen to them anywhere i go. i am planning to purchase a portable player so i don't have this discman all the time with me. it's too big and uncomfprtable to bring with me especially having it in my pocket.

anyway i wonder why it is toatally avail to day. well, hopefully it'll be like this until 6am so somehow i can realx and not be stressful when i come home. well i feel like i'm going to be ok today. i'm just not sure if that would last for the whole day. i just realized that rex wanted me to come to his place every sateurday. well he messaged me yesterday and told me to come over and crack one of his software. so i thought deep inside of him, he's annoyed of my presence. all ido there in their house to keep downloading stuff from the internet then leave home, their house i mean. thankfully this friend of mine really appreciates my presence as i do. basically when we've chatted i never knew they have this internet connection, i just wanted to see him and wonder if ever he would have some interesting stories to tell. basically he invited me to download stuff and all. everytime i visit him, he would tell me to go ahead and download music that i want and stuff.

hopefully this guy won't ever change unlike RON. don't dare, ron say that i have changed, he's the one who actually changed and i'm in shock about it. he keeps on messaging me with all the spam and keeps greeting me, well if he or whenever he greeted me i always acknowledge that but it's just a simple hello and goodbye and wave of my hand. but i never approached him and talked to him except for the last time i have stayed here. he approached me and all so i kept talking to him until i have decided to leave. after that, i never approached him. he sucks bigtime! as of the moment i can see fish talking to tl and making some rapport and all just to lift him up and to become closer to his evil goals. well i don't mind at all and i wish him good luck and more success. i assure him that he won't ever make me feel ok whatever approach or way he would come tho think of. i'll never be his friend. i won't ever fall down from all of his traps. i'm wiser than he thinks i am.

well what are the things to do just to kill time. basically, right now i used to think about what had tl did. she said that she prefers me to be thetl than fish. and yet fish is the oic and i'm not. i'm just another stupid phone junkie, pathetic. well iguess i really am not suited in this line of work. i just need to get away from this.

guess what? i have another feedback and it sucks big time. well basically i was humiliated times ten. well it's regarding work. it's about this stupid order that i have processed and it was cancelled because there was no phone number. by the way, i always make sure when creating orders.. well i just have to admit that i di d a wrong freaking thing. i just have to stick it out to the bitter end. it turns out that i was stupid and it will turn out that i won't ever be an fw because of that shit or even a tl. i hated it because fish has to discuss it with me. my goodness. i want to die and deteriorate. what the fuck is happening to me? does this mean taht i won't be regularized? hopefully not and i will freaking hate myself if that happeneds. things are getting worse than i thought. i cannot afford to loose this freaking job. if this happeneds well iguess i have to commit suicide. i am serious. i really do need to make and do something to change this old freaking aura. i need to feel good and happy at all times. i don't have to always feel bad and that always take things and make my days bad. i am so sick and tired. dont ever tell me that i would have to be an agent for the rest of my freaking life. it's a bad shit! tomorrow's friday, by the way it's friday, so i have to change the way i act and feel when i come to work so it won't affect it. garsh, everything turns out bullshit right here. when i was told to go on feedback this person approached me regarding the last call that i had. i was shocked and nervous about it but somehow i got out of it.

can you like please help me change this ways and this routines that i always do so i can find my solace and my life accordingly. things are getting worse na talaga! tangina, ano ba talagang nangyayari sa akin. hindi ko na maexplika itong nararamdaman ko. i feel like i'm left behind or i'm making myself left behind. i'm worried about myself. if i'm going to compare myself to others they have the worse things going on with their life at work but what i'm feeling now is far much worse and i just hate it. i really need to be transferred to another team just right now. i need to have a new aura. putangina talaga! ayaw ko na! gusto ko nang umuwi at gusto ko nang mabago itong buhay ko. pupursigihin ko na mag ibang bansa para mahanap ko na talaga ang sarili ko. napapagod na ako sa kakaisip. paano ko matatakasan ang mga taong nagbigay ng mga sama ng loob kung lagi ko silang naaalala. sa tingin ko nga ang nararamdaman ko e pride and ego. hindi naman ako ganito noon pero nangyayaring ganun. putang ina bakit ko pa kasi nakilala yungmga taong yun kung nahawa ako sa kanila. sawang sawa na talaga ako. well now i'm thinking that everything's gonna be fine and alright. i'm starting to do the reason why i was, you know from work but i will really try not to do stuff like that once and for all because it will lead to suffering and pain again. argh! i can't handle this anymore.

god, please naman o tulungan mo naman ako sa nararamdaman ko para maging masaya at ok na ang buhay ko. nahihiya na ako sayo dahil di man lang ako nagsisimba at alam ko na yun ang kulang sa akin. tulungan mo naman ako, please.

i just need to be good with the calls that i will get now nd for the rest of my agent task. so please help me.


o well things will somehow go to the right way. ciao!

alright?

after my shift, i went ahead and grabbed my things and approached tl. then i'm trying to see if ever i can go home immediately but she said taht she needs to talk to me. well first of all she told me that i have 2 QAs from QA. both we're B flat and that's bad. she told me that i need to get and A flat so i would pass this QG3. well i was pretty scared and terrified about that news. i don't want to be extended. so i have to really follow the call flow using that stupid QA form. Well the reason why i failed or not eally failed, but i got a low score in my QA is because of the way transferring the call and crap. so i really need to browse futher on the process and procedures. After that she asked me about how i am. i've been strange lately and she finds me stubborn because i did not do the floor walking. well i did that in purpose. the way i pretty much acted for the whole week is because i hated them much and that they really suck big time! it really is affecting my performance. i guess i have to find a happy medium just to forget all of those crappy people. she also asked why am i not using the designated station she assigned to me. well i said it is because the internet is not working there everytime i arrive and open my tools. then she did not focused on that topic. she even get pissed off when she told me about that stupid person who barged on my call that i did not manage to tell her that i'm going to take my break. in the first place she should have asked and she should have told me about what their trainer told them about it. it's not my fault and as far as i know i did nothing wrong.

well later on when i go to work i will try to get positive vibrations and i'll find something that would make me inspired and stuff. well i was wondering if ever i should go with them to play table tennis on saturday? i'm not really sure because for sure ferdie would not come. i would just feel so out of place there. i guess i would have to know who will come, so i can decide if i really need to come. if fish is going, never mind, i'll just go to rex's house to somehow, build companionship and friendship. hopefully we would meet some of our highschool friends so that our friendship would get bigger.

well i'm in the office right now, and i'm reviewing the qa result that i had and i find it bad because i am in doubt about the competency of the qa. let me check. well ihave checked it with tl and she said that so far there are no gramar errors. i even asked her if it would somehow change my score. i'm just wondering. if not then never mind. she even said that it would not change the score to b+ with that single error. so isaid that's what i think but you know just in case it would then that would be googd news. i hope she is delighted that i was talking to her and stuff so she won't feel bad abpout stuff anymore. but i still feel bad about them. i'm just changing my attitude just to avoid conflicts. but i assure them that i won't ever go with them during the team building i won't attend at all. sorry but that's finally. i would rather stay at rex's house or stay home than hangout with them with suckers! mwahahahaha

i'm having a hard time to visit a website for me to check my horoscope. i wonder why? well i'll keep trying. well they keep on sending spams and they are talking something about someone is included in the distribution list and it's making things worse in that case. hmmmm i wonder to whom they meant to say that. if it's me i'll kick their asses and if they're referring to someone else well that's fine but i'm not in favor of that. anyway, hopefully all throughout the night it's avail so i could somehow rest my mouth and voice box. i hope that i would get nice customers and courteous unlike the first one i got for today. very arrogant and impolite. thankfully i did not get carried away with that freaking prick customer. moving on, i don't wanna loose this aura that i have today, i feel kinda good and a bit happy somehow. a bit pissed off because why do i have to always see fish and his minions. i know he's the greatest tech in this team, duh! that's why he is the oic, but i doubt it because he's cheating. well good luck with that.

by the way while i was at work yesterday, mom keeps vomiting last night and i was not aware of it. when i came home earlier my sister told me about that. they almost rush her to the hospital because of that. why the hell is that happening to my mom. thankfully everything's fine tonight. they should have messaged me while i was at work so somehow i would go home early to check on her. that's pretty scary. it reminded me that TERESITA L SY might have been putting spells on my mom. once i found that out. i'm going to kill her with my bare hands. well what i can say about her is that she's a freaking bastard BITCH.

Well fish handed me a paper with contact numbers for the tech support globally, well as far as i know i have multiple copes of that but i just grabbed it without looking at her i mean him because he sucks! the only difference when he do or does the floor work, he manage to check on me, but when i try to check him, sadly i cannnot watch over him because he really sucks big time!

so far i feel alright. nothing much to think about but yet, i feel like and worried about people at home. i do remember an instance where i was left at home with my mom while i was sleeping, my mom felt something bad in her stomach that made me worried how the hell am i going to bring herto the hospital. but eventually it was an air stuck in her stomach that caused much ache.

anyway, i think i would have to end this here. ciao!

eventually.....

"After what seems like months of dealing with cranky, unfriendly people who aren't at all open to seeing things your way, you've finally arrived at a better way of doing things. You're going to ignore them -- and, better still, you're going to ignore them long-distance. You've got the brochures, you've talked to the travel agents, and you've chosen a location. But do you really want to go alone?"

well i have visited a website again to check my horoscope and it is posted above. well another right thing about me. well i really would like to get away from this stupid feeling. i wanted to be transferred to another team so i woul dfeel fine and comfortable going to work. basically i was not able to message tl regarding what had happened yesterday. i was about to message her by calling the store to have and get a load but it's not allowing me to do that because of some circumstances. so i guess it's better to talk to her in personal about what had happened. as what i have mentioned yesterday i'll jsut make an escape route just to save my ass. i just finished having a smoke in the chamber and i have decided to talk to her but unfortunately she's not around yet. i just checked her station now and still no signs of her yet. i wonder if she'll be absent today. she's here already and i have tot alk to her now. ok i just talked to her, whew! what a relief. she said that she thought i'm disobeying her now. anyway she will talk to me later. garsh what would be the topic? hopefully things will be alright. well i just have to filter the things that i have to say to her or else everything's gonna be chaotic. well let me just to tell you what or how i acted when i talked to her. i am smiling and that i feel like i am ashamed. but definitely not. i'm just pretending. i'm not plastic but it's the only way just to get a way from this crap feelings. i would try to take these off of my system and the try to live happily ever after. well we have to log in early for some reason. they said that we have 6 calls waiting. too bad. anyway i am waiting for a call and until now i haven't received a call. well basically on monday i will do the floorwalking as what she wnated. it all falls down to me. i have decided not to do floor walking but everything gotten worse so so i just ate all those things i have said to ferdie. i'm pretty much nervous about what we're about to talk about, redundant, well i might say something rude and that she might tell me that she is offended with the way i acted lately well it's always my fault, i've never been good to anyone in this world. just like earlier, i hated the way my sister told me that i haven't shaved my beard. what does she care. so i have answered her sarcastically and what i'm telling her is to leave me alone. i'm not even telling her to not to do stuff she's doing. i'm not even stopping her with the routines shes's doing at home. she should not mind about what i want. i know i'm not a good looking person and so i just wanted to experience things my way. if they want respect, well they should earn it. i know she's older than me but i'm and we're old enough to do stuff we want. i'm not a kid anymore just to follow things that they tell me. it's my way or the highway. if they can't handle me then they should tell it to my face and just get out of my life. that's the best thing they gotta do. i'm doing this flaky stuff, like growing beard and stuff is because i'm implying and showing how i feel and what is really my personality. i'm not after to anyone for them to like me or what, i'm doing this because i want to and nothing else.
well i just had this long call again just to backup her darn files. finally i got out of it because i'm pretty tired of talking to her and tired of thinking about any possible resolutions for the issue. let me just think about something else.... i wonder what would be the possible shit that i can do just to end all this pain and sorrow that i am feeling with the team. i really hate the team already. the people in it sucks big time. i'm just pissed off with what's been going on here. i am aware that everything that is happening to me here is because of the actions that i'm doing. i ust hate it. i just wanted to live normal like i used to. right now i am realizing what mom had told me about myself. i really admire her because he can forsee things by just observing how you act and what you're doing at home. so bizaare. anyway, going on and moving on with my life today. i find it pretty cool. although i feel so alone, all the time, i feel so light and somehow these grudge had gone off from me, for today. i still feel the grudge with fish because he really sucks bigtime. for me, one wrong move from someone, it lasts forever. i won't ever forget but i forgive somehow. just like fish, i won't ever trust him. he made a reason for me not to. so sorry if ever i can't force myself to mingle with him. i really don't like what he did during training and so with his minions. now i am worried about what will tl and i will talk about. well of course i would tell her that everythings fine. i'm thinking what will i answer once she asked why i am acting weird all along. like i am not sitting on my original station and it's like i'm avoiding her and stuff. well definitely i will not come to their team building because i feel bad about the team. there's nothing to take it back. it would stay forever i think unless they have showed me a great difference why i should release that hatred and grudge. honestly i just don't know why i always have a bad day here. i don't feel like talking or even mingling with them after all what i did to tl and stuff. i know it's my fault but i just felt so bad when i just kid around and it turns out that i did an offensive action. to her. as far as i'm concern fish did a lot of offending stuff but she never commented on it and it's kinda like that's alright for her. ok sounds unfair so i won't have to mingle with them all the time starting now and forever. ha! don't they ever question me why i am acting so strange well it's because of them. they can say that i have an attitude problem, and i don't care. as what i believe in they are the ones that has an attitude problem and not me.
o well so much to say, i guess i just have to snap out of it. i just have to move on and stuff. i just can't wait til pay day again so i can buy the stuff that i'm wanting. i really would like to buy that shit as a sson as possible so i will be excited and stuff. earlier, terence keep looking after me. i don't know why, but i wanted to say i'm sorry if it's affecting him. i wanted to tell him not to mind me or ever look at me so he won't get affected. i hope he would understand. well people had noticed that i have changed, the way i interact with them. because before i was able to interact with them all the time and yet now, i am so very quiet unlike before. i am quiet but i'm more quiet now so they are pretty shocked with that. i can tell as what they are doing. i'm also human and i can observe things that surrounds me. i wonder what would happen.

anyway just have to wait and see . ciao!

paktay na!

"You don't often turn to someone else for advice or sympathy, even if you're really upset. As a rule, you keep your own counsel. More often than not, you pay more attention to the problems and concerns of others than you do to your own, anyway. At the moment, however, despite all your best efforts, you're worried, and wondering who to talk with about it. Rather than letting it get worse, why not get it over with now? Call your best friend or most trusted elder and let it all out."

hi i'm back and i'm already seated here at the same station, away from them. well i visited my horoscope for the day and as i posted it above. well it's really freaking true. i wonder how they were able to tell me who i really am? well, basically after the shift yesterday, or shall i say last saturday, i went home and prepared for the things that i should bring with at rex's house. thankfully my mom, allowed me to go to rex's house every saturday. it's a good experience, because i was able to build companionship with rex, my highschool friend. by the way he sent me a testimonial last friday and i was so thnakful from what he said there. he really appreciates me and that i'm the best person, i think, that he really likes as a friend. well i haven't made a testimonial for him yet. i am thinking about a good testimonial for him. i wonder if there'll comes a day where he does not want me to go to his place ever again. well it's possible that he might get fed up with my presence. i hope not because i really treasure him as a friend as well as i also value him. as what people say, people change. as what i am now, i have changed. i have changed with people who are so arrogant and annoying. well people can say that i am worthless, yeah worthless because i care about them. i just can't stand this feelings that i have in this messed up place. it's like i wanted to break free from this team and be transferred to another team so i won't see anything that would destroy my day and my personality.

well i have been talking with ferdie right now, about his success as a workforce. well i'm pretty envious at least he was able to fulfill his dreams and it was just in a knick of time. unlike me, i'm a pathetic stupid, incompetent bastard. o well that's the face and there's no way for me to deny it. guess what, tl is absent for today, mwahahahahaha! she called cy and asking if i'm already logged in, i said yes and she even called ferdie to ask if i'm already logged in again, ha! unfortunately she was not able to witness that i won't be acting as a stupid floorwalker. i think i am hearing seagate right now. all i know is that he won't come to work as tl. well i'm right, because i saw seagate and it's freaking me out and i know he will dominate again and feel free to become a tl while tl is not around. well this is a free world. he can do whatever he wanted and i don't really care at all. my goal right now is to be regularized and get the hell outta this team. so i won't have to witness the disorder that they put up here. like domination and crap. ferdie just asked me that i am a floorwalker for today. i said no. i don't want to. with a sad face and an arrogant face. well i don't care. as long as tl's not around and not witnessing what i have become and what i have decided well that's fine. i'll just give way to those peole who are too eage to become a floor walker just to get away from taking calls. pathetic little loosers. well there's always a divine justice to look over to them, in other words, they're going to get theirs. let them all have the success and happiness in life and i really won't care as long as i am not stepping on someone especially CHEATING like they're doing, or what they are doing, that will be fine.

there's no way for me to become a floor walker in this shit town. thankfully, she did not call me up because there's no way that i will have to answer te call. well i just realized that i believe the reason why she freaking called cy is because she wanted cy to tell me to take in calls while she's absent and the hell. well i don't care at all. if she wanted to tell something to me she should consult me. not anyone else i find it unprofessional. i just can't wait to get the hell outta here. right now as of the moment cy is doing the floorwalking and i would stay professional and ask permission for anything that i need to do but never, ever wanted to talk to them at all. i know it's not their fault and stuff, but i just i hate what have become. hopefully tomorrow they won't be around. well suddenly this fish, came by and talked to ferdie about workforce stuff. well i'm not looking at her and i really don't care. i'm just irritated with his presence and all. what'll i do is to stay on the call for more than 15 minutes to drag their aht down. **evil grin** well ferdie keeps on telling me that i'm a floor walker today. well i keep on telling him that i'm not. he replied that tl might get "tampo". i don't care. i told him that thre's already an fw. then he said that it's the oic that is left standing and all. hmp! so, let him do the fw. i guess that's what he wanted after all.

guess what? tl texted me and was so mad why the hell i did not do the fw thing. she also said that she does not know what my problem is. i haven't texted her back because don't have a load. i would tell her that i'm sorry and i don't have a problem and it was out of my mind that i will do the floor walking for today. i would have to lie because they suck. i am wearing all black outfit today to express that i feel so bad and black today. i feel so broken and stuff from what has been happening to this team lately about me. well a while ago while i was taking my last call as per requested before i take my lunch, i was transferring the call to CRL and then this seagate approached me and asked me if i'm doing a transfer? i wanted to tell him, what do you think. but of course i told him yes and it was disconnected during a transfer by the previous agent and there is an escalation code and so i have asked him if that is needed. thanfully it is not. so i went ahead and transfer the call. i did not like how he approached me he think like he's higher than me. he's just an oic and i don't like hiim personally. he is my mortal enemy on my list. he's a pain in the ass. i really don't like the way things are. i just don't want to talk to them and i just wanted them to leave me alone. well i would admit that i did something wrong today. i am so sorry and anyway the pain has been done. so i just have to have a coaching session with tl tomorrow, i wuld assume, and tell her what i think is right. well basically it all started with a somple joke. she got pissed off by that. i admit that i did wrong. so the reason why i'm acting so weird today. and the past few days. i would never come to the team building any longer. i would just waste my time to my friend's house. not actually waste but i would take it productive. well terence here can notice that i feel so bad. he's the only person who can notice that i'm not in a good mood. well sorry dude if you are pissed off by the way i look and the way i act. can't blame you man. just leave me alone and don't mind me.

after i took my lunch i have decided to go down stairs and smoke. unfortunately i was able to see 2 of my team mates having a smoke at the spot where i have decided to have a smoke. so i never greet them and just left and walked away that they would think i would take my lunch at a fast food chain but i just walked and pretended that i am looking for someone then went back to that place farther form where they are so they could not see me. i have pretended that i am texting someone but thinking about what i will say to tl. well good luck for me tomorrow..... i would just have to approach her and say sorry for what had happened. then go back to my original state.

o well good luck for me tomorrow. if ever things will get worst than i think it is. o well i have my explanations redy and i have myself ready and prepared. all set.

see you probably tomorrow for some freaking scary updates.

ciao!

never gonna stop?

well basically when i finished my call a while ago, i immediately packed my things and went to ferdie and invited him to come home. but it took him so long so i was not able to ait for him any longer because i wanted to go home and get out of this messed up palce. just what i thought. tl and ferdioe had this conversation about me. first of all ferdie talked about his interview as a workforce. then tl asked about what my problem is. well i told ferdie that i don't have a problem i am the problem. told him not to mentione anything to her because i don't want her talking to me and reiterating things to me for me to understand. well basically i understand things it's just that i could not accept the bitter truth but i have to swallow the bitter pil to the bitter end. meaning i got to stick it out. well what i'll do is never talk about it if we have a coaching session. i would go with the performance and move on. well ferdie mentioned one thing that if ever my stats are good and all she might defer my promotion or everything will change just for my promotion. well i told him that i don't care. it's her discretion and i don't really care about the team already and i really wanted to get the hell outta here. iwant to be transferred to another team than in this team becuse it really sucks.

o well life is ever so strange so full of change and i don't care about them anymore. i am still here in this team because of ferdie, my friend, and not because of the team or because of her. i believe that ihave been hoazed and all of these things going on are planned or one of their evil plans. you can say that the way i think now is just like ron, as what she said to ferdie a while ago that i'm becoming ron, well i'm way too different from him and i'm not like him at all. one thing that i can broing them down is to make them feel paranoid about stuff. ha! i know her weakness and she'll suffer and feel the agony that she had given me. i intentionally stayted here on my station far from her station because i really don't want to see her face even hear her and as well as fish and his minions. team building? nah, i won't come at all, i won't make any excuses but i will not really come with them and i would say that i' m not a part of the team anymore. i self proclaim that i'm not a part of this freaking pathetic team just like what happened to ron. i should have been transferred to chad's team than me being stuck in this team because domination has conquered the team especially favoritism. yeah she can say to my face that she does not have any favoritism in this team, i don't htink so. i really don't think so. right now, she had given me a reason not to trust her at all. since she's the boss, i would follow her orders adn stuff, but i will not divulge with their personal shits and craps. my trust in them had dessiminate.

as long as i have my job, that's fine. don't them dare to make a reason for me to be trerminated in this company or i will get back to them. as you can see tl is not yet around and i'm thinking why? well i don't care. it' a good thing that she'snot around so i will be free, mwahahahahahhaha!

well i just received an email from tl and asking me how was i and stuff, well i just read it and never replied on it. then i logged off from the email access in the office. well i'm not going to get any imprtant information anyway all are spams and i don't really like their punch lines and it's a waste of time. i don't want to talk about it anyway with her. it's going to be senseless and worthless. i know what i am doing is not benefiting anyone so leave me alone. if ever she'll approach me to talk about it well she's just wasting her time. i won't even tell her that anyway. whatever way she would plan for me to say ti to her, well i won't give in. i don't care if my promotion will be deferred or whatever, i don't care. as long as i have my own life, well that's good. now as of the moment i can hear mr fish here talking to ferdie about some technical stuff and i just hate to hear his freaking voice. he's a menance to me. i will not say that theyactually won, they're just having fun with the bad things they are doing and i'm not envious about that. it's better to be sad because you're doing your best to achieve goals rather than being happy and achieving goals in a wrong bad hideous way. finally it's my day off and i am so ever happy tah i will be meeting rex again and download stuff and talk about stuff and building friendship. by the way i have received a testimonial from him and i'm wondering what testimonial woud i give him. i want it long and meaningful. i'm not good at complementing people but i can show to them that i appreciate them. which i don't see in most people who i have helped in some ways, but that's alright i'm not asking for anything in return. for me it is a satisfaction or an achievement helping people in some ways to let them live their lives. moving on, i wonder if he will be available tomorrow for me to come over to his place. hopefully he would agree my visit on him to morrow so i don't have to stay home and make my brain stress out with the things that has been going on. but i do have another option, if ever he would be busy tomorrow and i could not come in his place i would just rather go to precious' house and talk about these craps that i have been suffering with. well, we had a chat earlier and i've shared what had happened to me these past few days and invited me for a coffee a while ago but it was cancelled and postponed because of her egoistic stupid boss. i was pissed off that moment because i woke up early just to get prepared to get out of the house early for her then suddenly sunday, it is cancelled by that stupid boss of hers. that's alright at least i have another day to meet her.

before i forget, yesterday when i got in the jeep, ferdie texted me and asked me where i was. i did not reply because basically i don't have a load. he also asked me what my problem is. of course i could not reply to that message. then i apologized to him when i saw him here in the office earlier. he understands and he knows.

o i just can't wait to end the shift. or shall i say for the shift to end. i'm fed up with all of the people around here in this freaking station. i just can't wait to take my lunch first and go home. so i can do things that i like. i hope it's april 5 so i may know if i'll be regularized or not. well, i do believe i will be regularized but no incentives because of that darn csat crap. because of that stupid customer and narrow headed monster, i got a low grade. i even explained to him that it's out of our scope and he failed me. what an unreasonable freaking bastard. if ever i have the chance to check that shit again, i will change the status of the product to stolen so he could not get any support again, mwahahahaha. and if i capture that person's email, i will send multiple spams. and that would be good and satisfying **evil grin**

i wonder why it is not queueing? that's not fair, because when i was a floorwalker i have to end my floor walking task just to take calls. then now it is not queueing and this new people who has been given a task will be able to do the floor walking on time. that's not fair. that's why i'm hoping it's queuenig so that people who are assigned as an fw will take calls, mwahahahahaha!

well fish's minions keeps approaching me and asks me how my calls are. well basically i would just tell them ok then went back to my call. i don't have to build any rapport to them beccause basically i don't really like them and i really am irritated and annoyed with what they have done and actually doing. i feel like they are doing things nice to me because in the back of their heads they have a grave palns for me to bring me down. well i don't have to worry about that because they're nothing to me and i do believe that they are pretty much immature and people can see that. they are old enough but they way they are acting is like a 5 year old kid. very unprofessional. anyway going back t o the mature and professional life, it's 1:09 am and i'm about to take my lunch momentarilly then few hours later, i will go straight home, mwwahahahahaha! good luck with me later. i wonder how my mom was. i wonder if she enjoyed watching the concert with her highschool classmates.... i am beginning to wonder now, if it is true that the adjustments will be sent to our atms later or on tuesday? i wonder if i am one of the people who will have that adjustment. hopefully, so i can buy that hardware as soon as possible.

so basically i'm on lunch right now and was not able to take it with ferdie because his lunch is early. well i wonder if ever the queue would increment today. hopefully itwould stay as was it has been. so it won't be too much pressure for me and some of the colleagues here not including the fws. based on the song i'm listening now, it's alright i'm ok god can explain, i think. well i just got off from the smoking chamber and i managed to plug in a 2-piece earphone in my ears and play it so loud that i could hear noone. well i was left alone in the area and this person, which is fish's frined , a QA, saluted and greeted me. so i just raised him an eyebrow and never speak. i was a bit uneasy because i was wondering if he was talking to me or asking me something which i don't and i can't even hear for me to reply. buy anyway, suddenly another QA came in so i said to myself, you have someone to talk with, then momentarily i finished my cigar and left, meeting a team mate and just raised my eyebrow just to have a courtesy with that bang hole. so now you found me here typing and adding more things that i witness during break and stuff.

when i went to the pantry i met ferdie and tapped him on his shoulder and he was just done eating and left the pantry. he told me that we will be going home together so he will wait for me or vise versa. hopefully i won't have to wait for 48 years before we leave this messed up place. i am much excited to take my off and do things that i wanted to realx and free myself from this pain, sorrow and patheticness in life. well i don't know if i have to reply on the email tl sent me about how i am. well she's pretty much paranoid about the way i'm acting now. i did not stay on my station and i always isolate myself. ha! i don't care if she gets tired compromising with me. i 'm not asking her anyway. all i want is for her to leave me alone and let me live mylife. i don't care if she would not give anything for me to do or assign me for a certain task. i'm not looking forward for it anymore. i'll just wait and be patient with what will happen. i do believe that i will achieve my goals someday, somehow. i'm so tired of staring at the sun. i wanted to free myself from these craps, but i just can't and i don't know how. i am looking for a happy medium but it looks like it's not looking for me. solace as you will know. i wonder when will i be able to get that and find that. it's so irritating that i could just kill myself now and die. i'm so pathetic.

it seems like anywhere i go everything turns out so bad and routinary. i don't know really if this is my purpose or destiny or i just don't have a purpose at all. can somebody tell me please so i can set my mind to that thinking. i should have been someone else, but what can ido now? just to have a bitter pill to swallow and stick it out to the bitter nend. i feel like no one's interested to listen to me and even hear me. when i try to speak and tell them what i'm feeling they don't even listen and they would even say to me to speak up and be conversal or vocal. i even imagine, when i'm dying, i haven't talked to anyone about what i am really feeling. so sad that my life will reamin a mystery. that's cool. i know i did my best but it's not good enough, it turns out so bad that everyone would almost abhor me and they would reject me and so i feel dejected. o well, that's life that's real life anyway. i think life is manipulating me and i'm not the one manipulating it. that's wy things turn out so bad and wrong. so i come out as a walking mistake. i would even hear something about my family being discriminated and stuff, and i just hate that crap. well ther's always a divine justice to get them.

o well what ellse can i say? but just to live life accordingly and approrpiately and see what tomorrow will bring for me.

ciao!

mega super bad day

well i arrived home early yesterday after work. i was thinking about things that could possibly go wrong when i got the commendation from this client. well i did not mnind about it much and i just conntinued what i always do, routine, so i woke up at 5pm earlier to get ready for work. then i logged in to my station and it does not have an internet connection. i transferred to the other station that has an internet connection. then i have read my emails. of course i received a bad news about my floor walking crap! well guess what, i'm not going to be a freaking fw for today. well my schedule is monday, every monday from now on. it freaks me out. it made my day bad and i've been a soliloquiy in the smoking chamber. i smoke 4 sticks continously because of that. so i almost cried and i started to hate myself thoroughly. yeah, i understand why i was not going to be a floorwalker for 2 days a week because of my freaking csat. ok fine so i guess i'm not competent enough. what i will do is do my johb accordingly and never, ever talk to anyone around here. i will just get away from this messed up place when 6am strikes. i will return from my domicille. right now i'm listening to the music i have out loud so no one will bother me and so i can hear no one. i'm really pissed off and i don't want to mingle with anyone. this is so pathetic. i hope that someone would kill me now in my station or while i'm headed home and or while i'm headed to work so i don't have anymore problems and shit like this. well i guess i'm being immature here. i'm the only one who's so immature and have to suffer the agonies and pain. i ust can't imagine how fortunate worse poeple when it comes to attitude. i'm not saying that i am a good person or what but i can say that i'm not that bad like them. i will try my best to find a way to die and to kill myself. i reallly can't commit suicide because i'm scared. i am just asking anyone out there to kill me now. please i'm begging you!!!!! i'm down on my knees and hands shout oon tho the heavcens on high that i will die this year. i don't care where my sould go, but at least that will be the only dillmea that i will have. i wanted to apologize to ferdie if i'll act so strange today and if ever i won't be able to wait for him later after the shift. well i don't want to talk to anyone. i will just have to spend my time alone. argh! i hate this shit! i really wanted to freak out and push myself around. i really don't want to understand this horror that is going on in my life. it just pisses me off. i know i can admit what's going on but it really is dragging me down. if only i could just let myself die and burn. does anyone see the thief inside my head? am i really that bad? to deserve all of these. o well i believe ewhat's going on here is what i've ordered. so i should really blame myself. i'm not blaming anyone, especially god. i am only blaming myself, my incompetencies, stupidity, and worthlessness. well as you can see i am a bastard, literally, and everyone hates me. so i should hate myself. they said that to begin or have success in your life you should love yourself but what am i doing? one of the reasons maybe why i'm like this. such a lovely day, isn't it? so lovely that i could just kell them. i only have 6minutes before i log in again. too bad. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! take this pain away and this feelings away from me, please i'm begging you!

well the fwe approached me today and so acknowledge him and when he left my station i mocked hime, and so i decided to search in google what bitter is. then it showed a bitter quote webstir. mwahahahahahaha! it suits me. well anyway, a team mate asked me if i'm alright because i look pale. well i said to him that i'm just fine. so basically it shows that i am not fine at all. well hopefully i would drop dead now so i can be excused to be absent tomorrow. well i have decided to log off from my email so i won't be contacting anyone here in the office because i'm pretty much pissed off to all of them and i don't want to talk to anyone. when i took my break i met kris and so we've talked about his gimmicks and stuff, because i have no choice but to talk to him since we're the only once in the chamber. i appreciate rikk. he is an observant really. he knows if a person is not feeling well by just looking on their face. well i appreciate him asking me if i'm ok. moving on, i won't feel better at all and on monday i won't be doing a floor walk because as hat they said i need to prioritize being an agent or i need to prioritize production. ok fine.

well i just took my lunch and you know what tl toold me? well she got a feedback from the person who braged in my call yesterday. she said that i did not even told her that i will take my break so she should have barged in to another agent for her not to waste her time. fuck her! i told tl that do i have to tell her or even ask permission from her. by the way she's beside me and she saw me asked permission to take my freaking break. so she knows that and she should have the initiative to transfer. my good ness she's a pain int h ass. well basically it adds up to my burdens again and i just hate it. i deeply hated myself more. than earlier because of that. now i see what had possibly went wrong all these days i'm worried about. too bad and too irritating. hopefully she should have not told me that. but what can i do, the pain has just done. i will go home immediately later. i won't have to wait for ferdie anymore. i just need to sleep this feeling i have inside. it's really tearing me apart. i feel like i could just die right now. i'm not at ease and so don't bother telling me to be alright. i am just lisetening t my music just to forget all these craps. aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! is there a pill to take. well i just have to stick it out to the bitte end. freak!

i am so tired and so pissed off. don't you ever ask me something, chinoy, i won't bother replying to you. just leave me alone. i'm not well and i'm half crazy. i'm not in the mood right now so i believe i have to end this crap. see you tomorrow and hopefully everythings fine tomorrow. at least i have rex. that's the only person that makes me feel alive these days so i won't have to loose that person. ciao!

commendation crap!

hi i'm back, well basically i was so sad with the pay i just received. well it's really not convinging at all. i only got 8K but i was able to get 2k from my salary. i have managed to buy me an earphones and it's a good earphone. now i'm imagining that i already have the dvdrw on my hand. i just can't wait for that. if only i could borrow money from someone right now, that would be open to lend money. i'm so shy to ask anyone because it's a huge money that i will borrow and i know all people are having theit own needs especially their family. if only that is possible for me to borrow money now, then i will be gratefull. anyway i have to take in calls for the rest of the day and tomorrow will be my floor walking days again. i just can't wait til i get out of this messed up place. and buy that freaking optical drive. o well just have to be patient or else. i will have to keep my money in a safe place where i can no longer touch it or use it for whatever reaon except to buy that shit!

well guess what, i am so happy with what ferdie's have been up to. well what i mean is that he will really be a workforce one of these days. how fortunate. how i wish i have thought of that before. well i guess he has the lucky stars this year. well, i'm waiting really for mine and i do believe that i am lucky for this year. it's my year and i know i will be successful this year. well i just need to change.

o please, i'm falling and so help me. someone help me please, i really need some word of advise and if that's possible. if only i could meet someone who would definitely talk to me and have an interest to preach me about life and analyze my feelings, attitude and stuff. so i can feel something good and somehow i would realize things that i have not realized yet. i do believe there a re a lot of things that i haven't realized yet.

wel cy had asked me if it's ok for me to have somebody buddy me up on mycall, well i said no and gave a big smile. then this seagate approached me and said that somebody would buddy me up. i said no, why me, then he said that tl said, well there's nothing i can do about that. ok fine right now, i have this new agent beside me to listen to my call and i just hate it. i'm not looking at her and i'm not in the mood to talk to anyone here. i am so annoyed and irritated and misguided with all theses thoufht s that i have.

o well life is getting so strange than i thought, full of change and i just need to work it out and just ride with it. i just need to be more smart and wise or else things will fall down on me and crash me into pieces. that's bad. thank god and the people who is buddying up with me had their break. so no one would listen to each calls i have. hopefully it's my lunch na. so i could just wait for the time to pass by again and go straight home and wala!

moving on with my life, i feel like i could die right now, i feel so energetic again and somehow got over the things and feelings i had with precious. that's my tl. i am trying to be calm and somehow show that i don't feel bad anymore about it but definitely i do. definitely i won't ever

well too bad that i have a sneeze today, i don't know where i got it from but definitely when i woke up earlier i already feel the squeaziness on my nose so i know i will have a colds today. well guess what, i have. at least i don't have any problems today regarding these craps in this messed up place. i feel real good and a bit comfy. i'm just waiting for 6am again to get outta here. ferdie will be promoted one of these days. how fortunate and lucky. he will be the first one to be promoted after all the hard work and stife. i'm just guessing when will be my turn. i just needed to be patient and all. i feel good today also is because i have managed to buy me an earphone, as what i have mentioned earlier. hopefully the quality is good enough and that it won't break easily as what had happened when i bought one from cdr king. it costs me 200 bucks. i just hope on my next pay, i would get around 10k so i can buy that optical drive as soon as possible so i will be happy again. i would like to consume all the slots available for my computer and s i i have enough resources to do a lot of things with my system. i also wanted to upgrade my video card so i will have a great quality with my graphics. i was also tying to have this illusion that somebody would have mistakenly deposited 30k in my account so i will be able to buy me things i needed, what a loser, ha!

moving on, i hope mom won't realize that i only gave her 6k from my salary so that i won't be having a dilema with the plan that i have. i hope on nextpay mom would pay the bills, like my credit card coz it's not moving at all and i'm worried that if we had an emergency at least i have my card i can use it so to speak. i really want to get outta of this messed up place. it's either they all fly to another country or i alone fly to another country just to be separated from them so i can live my life. i just can't wait for my sister to get outta here so everything will be light for me so i don't have to give all of my freaking money to my mom and let myself suffer from being a pauper. i just hate it when i'm with my firends and i don' even have money, it's like a humiliation that they would say i work and yet i don't have money? too bad.

i really hope somebody would give me 2k so i can buy that freaking drive asap. i just can't wait any longer but i have to. i wonder what would be tl's next glimmering, shimmering, agenda? i don't know if she had to let me take in calls and have someone replace me to do the fw. because i heard that one of our team mates will be a floorwalker. i'm worried about that but i am prepared once i hear that crap. well somebody told me that seagate will be a floor walker for a new team, and i feel so good about it, at least he will be separated from the team, but i hope i was the once chosen to be transferred so that no more problems here in this team. but what i can say to myself is, dream on! i don't really know if tl cares much about my promotion or something. it's really driving me nuts. i don't know if she really cares about me than seagate and his minons. after all what had said and done, i don't want her to tell me that crap. i won't believe her. she even always comment on my hair, that it's better if i don't have any gell on it.

guess what, i just received a call a while ago and i just did a power cycle and this client is too talkative and in the end she wanted to commend me. i jumped for joy and got excited but not that excited, i was too excited that i have to take off my headset for a minute, at least. for the first time ever i have received a commendation here in siemens. my goodness. that's good and one thing that's worrying me is, i do believe something will get wrong here. i don't know if i got home or later when i get here at work. hmmmmm.... to o bad.

i am worried about what will happen probably later or tomorrow, badly. in exchange of this commendation crap. it is 2:58am and i wonder what could possibly go wrong. well i can hear mister seagate, gossiping something on his minion to whom i talked with earlier to go on bio break. i do believe he got envious because i was able to mingle with his minion and not with him at all. mwahahahahahaha! i'll let you suffer prick head! i wonder why it's avail today? i hope tomorrow will not be queueing so i can be a floorwalker for 4 hours tomorrow just to get a way from this agony. i prefer to take in calls first then do the floor walking so at least i have time to relax. anywahoo, i want to breathe and scream from the top of my lungs to release all this pain and agony i feel and also these weariniess inside. i almost forgot to give my cd to a friend of mine here to get a copy of the software for windows to change the skin. i hope he is here. so far i haven't seen him and i guess it is his off. anyway i just took my final break and i went to the smoking chamber and it's a hell of a smoke chamber.

anyway i'll try to give you updates tomorrow. ciao!

tgipd (thank god it's pay day)

i'm back to my old station and on front of me is, tl. i wonder if i will be an fw for the day. i wonder if it iwll be queueing again later so i have to go auto in in no time. hopefully not. well if i'm going to take in calls again well that's my job. just hoping that everything's going to be just fine and dandy. i'm wearing a bough net today because i want to. i don't know. something just went on my mind to wear something like this.

ok my floorwalking hours is over and i'm taking in calls now. and i'll be taking my lunch on 1:15 am. well ferdie went ahead and took his lunch early as scheduled and was not able to wait for me. that's alright and i believe he's starving. o well he borrowed 50 bucks from me and probably he does not have enough money left. he will pay me tomorrow. that's alright. i just realized that i only have 1 more , i mean 3 more sticks of cigar in my pocket

finally, i just took my lunch and i already consumed 43 minutes of it. well i've ran out of cigar and so i will have to beg a stick from someone. i don't know who but hopefully they would give me a stick as i always give them when they ask me. anyway, moving on, it's a very tiring task to be a floorwalker. your feet will get tired and it's so damn humiliating going circles in the station checking each clusters if they have any issues and stuff. anyway, that's fine. i'm looking forward for it on thursday again and hopefully i won't have to go on auto in beofre the end of my floor walking hours. well i hope i have another coaching session about my performance and not about personal matters. i don't want to talk about it with tl because i don't want to. it will just lead us nowhere. it's senseless to talk about it this time. i know it's never gonna be alright again, after what she had told me. later on will be pay day and so hopefully it will be convincing and exciting or else, i don't know. i would freak out if the pay will be lower than 9k. that will never be fair. mwahahahaha! so that i can start to save money to purchase that darn dvd writer for 2.6k i find it pretty cheap. before it costs around 5k and so i'm not looking forward to get one. but now, it's cheap, i will get one and so ican experience burning dvds and stuff. what will it feel like? i wonder.

i just checked my balance today and no credit yet. so basically they will enter it at 6am, hopefully. i am pretty excited to have my pay now so i can decide whether i can buy that shit. hopefully it's december so that i will have my 13th month pay. that will be very spectacular.

hopefully things will be good later. i hope i don't have to get sad about the pay that i will be getting later on. they should amaze me. as far as i know i don't have any absent for this month. the last absence that i had was last feb 3 and so that will not be counted on this cut off. they should keep amazing me on my pay or else i will kill them.....

o well so much to say, i just have to park myself from this thought. see you again tomorrow. or perhaps later.

fortunate enough!

i'hi we meet again, well basically, i'm not in a mood today. i don't know why. i need to go to work because i have to. if i did not go to work today well everything's gonna be bad when it comes to pay day. as of the moment i am trying to open up my tools, and darn it, internet is not available for the moment and it's 10 minutes before i log in and take calls. how am i suppose to work? they should do something about this now! well i will not take in calls if there are no tools. hopefully the main tool will not work also so that we are not going to take in calls. i don't really want to take in calls if tools are not available. i'm serious. i do believe clients will get mad and stuff because the systems are down and updating, as if it's updating, they are not the ones that are taking in calls. i will protest. bad thing about this also is if it is queueing. that's pretty way too damn bad. finally, my tools are up so i don't have to refresh my phone just to not get a damn call. but basically, don't let it happen that during a call, my tools will die. that's really, really bad. i'm telling you. i do have to release that call if that happeneds, just kidding, i'm going to freak out. now this if final, finally, the other tool just opened up and it is available. ok i'm ready to take in calls, but just don't freaking let it happen that in the middle of something it's not going to work. i'm really going to freak out.

moving on, i'm again at the end of the cluster, well i do have a reason that the internet is not working there. now if she'll misinterpret things again, assume things, well, that's her prerogative, i don't care. as long as i know in me that i'm telling the truth that the station is not working. ferdie just received a call, so i do believe i'm next. ok i will just prepare myself. talk to you later.....

i just managed to call her tl instead of precious, well, i do believe that that's what she wants me to call her insteasd of her name, or else. well i smile and stuff to others but when it comes to them, a big no no, good luck! i don't feel like talking to them because they suck as much as i suck, but i do believe i suck the most. anyway, as long as i have rex, that will be alright. at least he's there an i'm here and he appreciates my presence. hopefully, he appreciates me, not just because he does not have anyone in or on his side. i don't want to be jsut another friend just to catch his ego just like, you know..... moving on, i'm not really sure what will happen later or tomorrow or whatever. i'm not looking forward to talk with her and ask how i was and shit. just leave me alone. if she's gonna coach me, well just make sure it's work not personal crap. i don't want to talk about it coz i'll never, ever care about it anymore. i will not speak anymore. if she wanted to know stuff, well ask anyone else not me. whatever force she'll take, well my mouth still sealed and all. sorry! well you guys have fun, don't mind about me, i'm unworthy. you should not waste time with unworthy people because it'll hinder your growth, causing, growth gap. that's too bad. it's 9:40pm, still waiting for a call and i do believ ethat later on will be queueing, or tomorrow night. well that's life, as long as i have my own life, that will be better.

well i have approached her and asked for a certain code that i need, and she is acting like she wants to kill me deep inside. well i don't care. i would let her feel that, and i don't want her to worry about things that i might say onto others about her. i'm notlike that. actually the bad person here is me, actually naughty. so it's all my fault what have become between us. o well, life suck! as well as myself. ferdie is not in a mood right now, so i told him that i'm not in a mood too because of those people. then he said that he will wait for me to take my lucnh because he will be a workforce later. how lucky and gratefully he is. unlike me, just another pathetic, unworthy irritating crap. anyway, i wonder what wuold happen if i jump over these windows? i think that's fun. i do believe that's fun. at least everything will end to me. i envy others here, i hope i also have the lifestyle and the way of their living their lives, do you know what i mean? i wish i also have the thngs they have and that they are experiencing. unlike myself, i'm just stuck in a cage with no doors at all to open. no keys, padlocks or even holes for me to fit in. too bad ei. well once told me, patience is a virtue. well id o believe that i'm losing my patience and i feel like i could die just right now to better end things. i can't really take this anymore.

well tomorrow is my schedule to be a floor walker, and i don't know if that's automatic that i should go on assigned. well i think i need to automatically go on assign and never ever sit on that station. i will never mingle with her i will just go round and round at our station just to check on the agents here and kick their asses....joke.... well i will not talk to her about how they were, how was the vacation and all. i just don't care at all. i would just mingle with new agents here and ferdie and that's it.

you know what makes me feel alive right now, is looking at the pricelist of computer hardware that i am planning to purchase. i really hope that i would be able to manage to buy me that part so i would feel so alive and stuff. *sigh* i'm down on my hands and knees and shout on to the heavens on high that i will have that hardware sooner or later. wahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! how i wish! just don't let me down on pay day this wednesday, or else..... i'm really going to freak out and start killing my old pathetic self. that's too bad. i'm just really hoping it would reach about 11K so i can immediately buy that freaking, freak hardware without letting my mom know. mwahahahahahaha! too naughty but i guess it's about time for me to be able to do things that i want and i earn it anyway.

for crying out loud, plaese give this chance for me to be happy and content somehow. please i'm begging you!

well i just took my lunch without ferdie, basically my lunch was deferred because of the queue. i hate it and i'm pissed off. i just wsh that i died just right now in this very moment. i'm irritated of all these things that are happening to me. people are talking about their pay, their gimmicks and stuff, and i'm just quiet and wondering things what could possibly go wrong and what will happen when i come home. what will do when i come home and stuff. i just hate it. wishing tat i could fly high. i really hope that mom and the rest would fly to US and so i could liv here alone and find myself. i am hoping that dad has the opprtunity to bring with him 3 of his family in the states. it'll be ok if i am left here so i could somehow feel being independent and all. i wanted to feel the luxuries in this place alone and that for me to find myself. i really would like to make my own money and use it the way i want it to. and also not worried about people who i should support financially, unlike as of now. i continuously have a lot of problems and i really hate it. one of the reason maybe why i don't get fat at all. i really want to get out of this messed up place but when i get out of this messed up place, another problem i have to face when i come home. too bad for me. too bad. hopefully things will be better and ok one of these days. *sigh* i am so tired and sick and ill of these. i keep on saying things like these but there's no progress and no change at all. i feel like i'll be like this forever. i am hating it. i could feeli lik e i could just die. if only i am granted one wish, i wanted to be rich, so everything will be handy and possible for the family. i would not be worried anymore. the only problem in our family is money. could not do much because we don't have money, what i am earning is not enough and so i have to get used to it for now until we all succeed. it's because of my sisters. if it weren;t for their immaturity, well things could have been dandy. i woul dnot have to suffer. i could have earned money and had someone to love on my own. basically things are worse than i thought. if only i have the eagerness to just leave them behind, i believe i will be ok. but i'm not like that. i do pity them and i would like them to feel successful so things will be good for them and for their family now. o well, i just have to be patient and have to take all of these sufferings because it's on my face and there's nothing i can do about it but just to find a way to clean it up and go away on it's own. if ever things gone worse, i don't know, i guess i just have to get used with it and live with it coz that's destiny i guess. there's nothing i can do to manipualte things. but i will not allow these things to happen to me when i am 25 years old coz this is too much. i have my own life to live and so are they. so give it to me and don't hinder me from grabbing my own life.

guess what, there's another team building that will be held next, next week. damn it. i thought it was the last time. i don't want to come. a big no, no. is there any excuse that i could think of, probably? i'm not really sure and i'm pretty scared about that. i don't want to make excuses again. imagine i have to lie on my mom and to the team, that's so bad. o well, bahala na si batman. hopefully it'll be alright.......

o well it's 5:20 am and i still have 40 minutes til i get out of this messed up place. lucky for fish that he has a lot of assign time than taking in calls, that prick!

ciao

unhealthy

well here i am and back in the same damn old messed up place. i've isolated myself again and took the farther station from tl's station. basically, i'm mad and i'm shy to face her and look at her. because of what she had said to me yesterday. just what i thought, he was mad at me because of the jokes i pressed on her. too bad for me and especially for her. what a pathetic loser. well basically she's my boss and i should not throw jokes like that so no one gets hurt. so i've decided after we had a conversation not to talk anymore. just to keep quiet and never mingle with anyone about her. i never ment to hurt her feelings when i tell jokes. i just realized, without thinking, that it will hurt others feelings. that's what my mom tells me, i should always think first before saying anything. i should have filter in my head. i don't talk much but when i utter something it's coming out worse than ever. i feel so sorry about what had happened these past few days. i felt it that she felt bad about what i have said. i've noticed it since wednesday. so i'm really sorry for crying out loud. well too much damage had been done, no undo key. if only life has an undo key. well in reality there's none.

now i felt like i'm worse than ron. honestly. i should hav been the one transferred than him. if ever he was not transferred then everything's fine and comfy. more success to him and more bad luck to me. he deserves the opportunities that were given to me. he should have been the one having these tasks for his career growth. i'm so messed up. everything's messed up, and the reason is me. i always fail things. i don't want them to make me feel important because i'm not. hindi ako nagpapaka importante sa kanila and i just want to live my life alone. i think i'm the one here that has this personality problem not those people i know of. so i need t die, now! i think i might have to go away and disappear. i know He is telling me something that i'm not even paying attention and not even listening. i think i have a big wall in my ears the reason why i'm not getting things right, as HE is telling me what to do to make life better.

today's the day that i know things are not ok. so i need to do something but i'm not sure what to do. geees, this is getting bad and irritating. i can't just go like this all the time. am i being bad? just tell me and inform me so that at least i a m aware. i tend to say things about other's attitude but i don't even observe myself of being that too. i can't take this anymore and i'm almost pretty sure, i am a dead man sooner or later, you'll see. hopefully. 2 minutes to go before i log in. goodluck with my calls and please make it good somehow, enlighten me with intellectual things so i would not fail on my work......just like yesterday.

guess what, cy is the fw for the day. good thing. good luck with him. honestly, i felt bad about it because i was not chosen to be a floorwalker. well anyway, that's ok ad alright. the world does not go round on me alone. o well, that's what i get of being an asshole. i'm not showing my face to tl because i don't want to. walang pakialamanan. please lang noh! i'm also thinking aout my agenda later. after my shift, i don't know where i will stay, because rex messaged me to go there after lunch or on lunch. now the enext problem is, i don't know if he'll allow me to stay there for one night because as far as i'm concern, my mom knew that i will be in batangas with the team building but definitely not. i have never told anyone about that yet because they'll gonna kill me. everything will gone wrong and bad. so good luck with me. hopefully when i go to rex's place, everything's fun and comfy. i guess i will receive a call now.

good thing that my call was pretty easy. well this fw stayed on my cluster and i hate it i felt so intimidated and i'm sorry. i hope someone would save me from all of the unclean. what i wanted to happen right now is to feel like i'm contented and satisfied but it's too far from the reality. i always tend to have illusions and fantasies about my life but definitley it will not ever happen because of myself. i hate myself, really. how can a person grow if you hate yourself. too bad and pathetic. i will try to be calm and feel good today. as long as know notices me and no one cares about me and that's just fine. i don't want to have a coaching session again with her because i believe that will be pretentious and all. ayaw ko na so to speak. i just can't wait to go home and have some fun. i'm not looking forward to become a floor walker on tuesday. it's not good. don't they ever spin me around or i'll spin their heads so they die. i'm so amazed with what is happening to me today that i could just kill myself.

well i went on bio break then suddenly precious asked cy where i am. i said i'm here. and so please don't ask me to transfer there on my station because i don't want to.mwahahahahahahahaha! o i just can't wait go to rex's house. i will not mingle anymore to anyone except for ferdie. that's a fact. in the smoking room earlier i did not talk to anyone i knew there. well because id on;t feel like pretending. people would just talk to you because they cannot resist of just being quiet just like me. i can be just quiet for the rest of my life. like i don't talk to anyone and stuff. to avoid mistakes because i'm a walking mistake. unhealthy......i want to leave this messed up place now! i wanted to go away and disappear. why can't it happen to me. why can't i just die rtight now. this is so annoying. now i can see that i will never be successful and worthy. so i deserve to die.

well basically tl asked cy why i was in this cluster and she thought that i did not want to sit beside her. well honestly, yeah! i just masde an excuse that somebody was seated there. but when i arrived no one's seated there. it's a good thing that i am seated here. i want to stay here and please don't mind me coz whatever you say, i will not leave this cluster, ok? so leave me alone!

i just realized now that this station actually makes me feel good and comfy. i feel like i'm alive and alone. that is what i like. thankfully i was not being transferred back t my station. i wanted to fly high, so high that i could touch the sun and feel free like a bird. grabe! talagang si RON e wala na. talagang nakalimutan na nya ang lahat and stuff. wag na wag nyang sasabihin na inabandon namin sya ni ferdie dahil sya ang lumayo at hindi kami. ni hindi nga sya lumalapit sa akin ever. keber! basta good luck na lang sa kanya at sana mmaging masaya na sya sa buhay nya.

going back with myself. moving on, what will be the agenda later. after my shift, 6 am what will i do? will i be able to find a way to make myself happy and stuff? will i make something cool. wala naman akong pera. i'm pissed off by my mom, coz she took my money and the reason why i don't even have money. i only have less than a hundred bucks. my good ness. so pityful. i don't want to borrow from anyone coz i'm not used to with that. it's embarrassing. i work then i just need to borrow money from others. that's humiliating. very humiliating.

anyway i am going to try to have m y lunch with ferdie, because i want to. i just wanted to experience going down the building and talk something about things and all. i will not transfer back to my station because i feel like i could die when i see her. i am humiliated by what she had told me yesterday and i don't care if she feels like i'm avoiding her and if she will talk to me later regarding that. she is open to everything but i'm not because i know things will be worse once i open up and tell what i feel about her. i'm really so sorry about what happened that's why i'm avoiding myself to have conversation with her. the problem is me, ther's no problem at all. thankfully she's not asking about how i am today because definitely i would say i'm ok but deep inside of me i'm not. so leave me alone please.

o well today's the day i pray i'll make it through. so far so bad. so i'm gonna kill myself now. i can ferdie from here and he's very busy working on with his or with the queueue. i envy him because at least you can see his career growth and stuff, unlike me.

well i just took my last break for the week and i met 3 people there, kris, jp and the other guy which i don't know who. well we've talked about ghosts and had fun with it. then psyzophrenia, i don't know the spelling, and had a fun for quite a little while. at least i was able not to think about the sad things in life. mwahahahahaha!

well i guess i'll have to see you on monday again, and just inform you about further things that will happen. by the way tl is not around as well as the other tls and i wonder why? good luck !

ciao